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Any other relatively 'high functioning' working mothers with depression/ sucidal thoughts out there?

(190 Posts)

I wondered if could find some support with others feeling like me. Rather than a thread thats all MeMeMe, it would be great to hear from and support others and get support myself.

I've got 2 DCs, work in a full on job though 4d a wk, it might as well be full time. I've had PND since DC2 (now 16mths) and it got worse after returning to work. Its lead to sucidal ideation, despite meds this has continued. Right now things are bad and Im constantly thinking of ways out though I know I cant /wont act on it.

Anyone else?

ColouringInQueen Tue 25-Mar-14 22:11:07

sheis you're not alone. So sorry though that you're having such a tough time. I'd never come across the high functioning term before but its spot on.

Someone wise upthread - Plumprof said mothers have never had so much demanded of them than now and I think there's a lot of truth in that. I had a breakdown Jan 2013 and am a lot better. But still drove home this eve having to restrain myself from hitting the accelerator and seeing what happened. Like monica I have frequent urges to just run away from it all. It is exhausting keeping going.

Can you get signed off? I can well imagine tho its not easy with a nanny around. Is there anyone else you could stay with for a bit to get a break? Could you come to some arrangement with your nanny that she and dc are out in the morning and you're out in the pm?

Sleep and exercise do help - but as we all know its not that simple...

take care

HarrietVaneAgain Tue 25-Mar-14 22:30:10

Your husband sounds a bit like mine Sheis. He's got a very demanding responsible job and doesn't really do emotion. His attitude is very much 'what's the matter now' which makes me feel dreadful. Is there anyone else you can talk who can provide support? I found it was vital to carve out sometime for my self. You could look into something like getting a mothers help to come and do the kids bedtime while you nip out for a coffee or what I did was join a gym with a crèche which made a big difference to go for a swim and have a bit of time to myself.

Good morning everyone

Thanks again for more helpful posts and shared stories. Your comments are all so helpful. It does seem that due to the nature of this beast- there are a lot more people suffering in silence than I would imagine.
Everyone- please use this thread to chat too.

Thanks for the perspective on being signed off. I will look at the work policy on this later today. Its an option but it will be a big advertisment to all around me that I've got an issue, but then maybe thats not a bad thing really. I could work around the nanny if needs be, the issue is the youngest one will want me if she sees me so it would need to be managed carefully. The other option is to visit family on the other side of the world. That would be wonderful but it would mean a massive strain on my husband doing both ends of the day with the nanny (as she finishes quite early currently). Something to consider.... very tempting I must say smile Although my H might not see it as recovery but as a stress free holiday for me and he might be resentful (understandable).

In terms of support - there isnt anyoney really. I have one friend who I dont really get to see but exchange the odd message with about it. I also have an alternative health practitioner who acts as a counsellor really and I talk to her and check in once or week or so. The big gap was at work and is at home. The work gap is closed a bit now as I've told my mentor and also yesterday, my line manager as my performance issues needed some explanation.

Prof- thanks so much for your support. I will drop you a PM.

Harriet- I am sorry that you dont have much support either. How do you cope? Do you have family around?

Mega post! I had better get down to some work

Please do keep posting - this is so helpful for me, and others I hope.x

metoo22 Wed 26-Mar-14 11:36:23

Hello op and everyone
I think I fit - or used to - into this category too. Very full time job, and my marriage is on its last legs. I have always projected a strong capable image I suppose, but feeling very anxious and down. I crashed in January after a specific crisis and have been signed off work since then, about to go back but part time.

Plumprof has good advice on being signed off. I thought I would just need a week or 2 but my GP rightly noticed from the start that it would take longer than that. It has been good to just switch off from that side of my worries, and I have come to not care that all my colleagues now know I have MH issues. OP, it's good that you have been open at work: would they consider a temporary reduction in hours or change of duties?

I'm going back part time initially and to a less stressful role, so hope that helps. Having therapy, trying to learn to be less hard on myself amongst other things.

Thanks Me

I have looked at the options of being signed off from the perspective of whether I would get paid- this would be essential. Its as clear as mud (of course) but I think i can get paid for 4wks then after that it goes to 60 to 70% of salary which we couldnt sustain as we are our limit with me doing 4d/wk and having a nanny.

I wouldnt want to let the nanny go or change her hours as I need the break plus would need her again (I hope). So I need to look at this more tactically maybe.

Did your marriage survive?

HarrietVaneAgain Wed 26-Mar-14 13:24:34

Hello again. It's good to be open with your boss. Mine has been very helpful. Depends on the environment you work in but I've been circumspect with other colleagues, so much in my line of work is on reputation. I did slip up tho and confide in someone who has always been a bit of a work rival. She's been great and has covered for me a few times I was really pleased and surprised.

In terms of home I don't have any support really, we moved house to be nearer the in-laws and while they will occasionally babysit it's made other problems worse MIL was the most perfect wife and mother when she was my age did none of this silly work nonsense and spends a lot of time reinforcing DH's negative perceptions of me.

dinster Wed 26-Mar-14 13:45:21

I hope I can put a hand up to say 'me too', although I already feel guilty because I only work part time, only have one dc and have a very supportive dh and family help with childcare. And because sometimes I feel 'ok' and therefore it seems that saying I'm struggling is a lie somehow.

Spend most of my time feeling guilty about feeling down when I have a nice life and about all the things I'm not doing - meanwhile piling on more pressure about housework and cooking and chores. Feel like a bad person deep down. I've lost weight and am obsessing about calories; not sleeping and close to tears much of the time. Not suicidal but often feel that it would be better if I just wasn't here.

Not sure what to do. Have done CBT but felt it was another thing I failed at! Family want me to go to the doctor but I'm scared to and feel that because after all I'm holding it together, keeping going.

Sorry to be mememe - only wanted to be companionable.

I really hope you might be able to visit your family, Sheis, or at least find a way to catch a break somehow...

Grockle Wed 26-Mar-14 14:09:41

I couldn't decide whether or not to namechange but I can't be bothered.

I am a lone parent to DS have a foster child & work 4 days a week in a very stressful job where I get attacked and hurt every day. I have several chronic illnesses and now severe depression. This week, my mood has lifted a little and I'm not horribly suicidal but the past 2 weeks have been a little scary.

I don't have any family support & my friends don't really know. I don't know what to tell them. sad

dinster Wed 26-Mar-14 14:18:22

That sounds so tough, Grockle. Do you think you could talk to your friends? Or even write something down to show them? (I know that sounds a bit odd but it might be an easier way...) Is there any chance you could get a break from work?

I hope your mood can stay lifted a little.

Thereishope Wed 26-Mar-14 15:01:28

Can I join?

I am married with 2 dc. I have suffered with depression for over 25 years. I get very low days. I am not suicidal but want to run away on most days. I actually envisage packing a suitcase and handing dh my divorce papers.

I am quite sociable and involved in voluntary work which keeps me going. I need structure.

We are in a lot of debt and this makes me depressed and anxious. If there is a spend I have not accounted for, I am tearful even if £5 or £10.

I hate myself so constantly deny myself what I would happily give to another.

I see nail shops/hairdressers and think it would be nice to pamper myself. Then I tell myself even if we had the cash, I am not worth it anyway.

I want to like myself, I really do. I am my own worst enemy.

metoo22 Wed 26-Mar-14 15:22:11

Hi She
Yes, I have been very lucky to be on full pay for 8 weeks. Now going back onto part time pay (.6 until the summer) which is going to be really hard as I am main earner but I would not be able to go back to what I was doing. I really appreciate my boss giving me this chance.

My marriage is not surviving, no sad. It's me that wants out, H is not a bad person but there has been little to it for many years now . We have done counselling, made some changes but I am sure it has to end. We are still living together though as selling the house, buying new flats etc is such a huge step. H is very passive and will do nothing about it, so when I feel stronger I will start to make changes. So stressful for all.

Dinster don't feel guilty... but I know what you mean, I do too. But depression is what it is and its not a competition. That's something I have sort of learned, though I don't always believe it for myself. If CBT didn't work maybe some kind of therapy where you try to work stuff out from your past, get to understand yourself better, would help? I know its usually expensive and that's what put me off for years. I didn't feel I could justify that sort of money on myself. But I got to the point where I felt it was essential. Its slowly helping. My therapist has offered to lower my fees now that I am paid part time - very kind and helpful which I am grateful for. Feeling guilty and feeling you don't deserve things and that you're a bad person can be a central part of depression. I hope you will think about going to your GP.

Grockle - that sounds very tough, especially your work. Are you getting any support from GP etc?

There - that's a long time to be so unhappy. (((hugs))) all

dinster Wed 26-Mar-14 15:40:13

Thanks for the kind words and advice, metoo. I know it shouldn't be about comparing - everything I read and see seems to confirm how rubbish I am and how little I have to feel badly about when others are having such difficult times. But I do know that's part of the problem. I've no idea what happened to the person I used to be. I fear being dismissed by the GP but will think again about it.

Thanks again and hugs to all.

metoo22 Wed 26-Mar-14 15:53:59

Dinster I am struggling with the same thing really in my therapy - I am trying to work stuff out about my relationship with my DM as a child and how it has affected me. I feel ridiculous, self centred and pathetic a lot of the time because my childhood was OK, I wasn't abused or neglected in any way. What my therapist tries to get across to me is that it doesn't really matter what happened or didnt happen, it's more about how it made me feel, how I feel now, how I behave now.

In the same way, most of the people I read about with depression, anxiety, whatever, seem to be dealing with much bigger problems than me and I feel pathetic.

If you do go to the GP, maybe write down how you are feeling and give it to her/him? I did that on my second appointment, having been so tearful I couldn't speak on my first.

HarrietVaneAgain Wed 26-Mar-14 17:19:58

So many people feeling guilty about being depressed sad I feel awful about it because on paper I've nothing to complain about. I have lovely healthy happy kids, an interesting and worthwhile part time job and no money worries. I know some people are worrying about accessing support on here my experience was the GP took it really seriously and got me six months of CBT within a few weeks. Always worth pushing for. The therapist was really good and did a mixture of CBT type stuff and some analysis of childhood relationship stuff.

PlumProf Wed 26-Mar-14 18:07:52

Harriet that is exactly it. You feel self indulgent because, as you say, you have a good job, lovely children and a nice house. You therefore feel no right to sympathy or to ask for support (and probably don't have time to nurture friends who might give it to you). Meanwhile you are run ragged with exhaustion and juggling.

Having grandparents on hand seems to be the key to making it all work, but lots of us didn't or don't have that luxury.

I would love to be an honorary granny for someone in that position - I have the time and the vigour and it will be years (I hope) before I have my own grandchildren as my DDs are busy getting life qualifications before tying themselves down.

Grockle Thu 27-Mar-14 11:19:02

Hard, isn't it? That guilt for feeling depressed when you have no real 'reason'. I have a huge amount of stress in my life so I guess I can blame it on that but I tend to just feel like a failure for not coping better.

I'm very tired but feeling brighter still, which is lovely. I hate that, for me, this is recurrent. I have great periods when I'm happy for months/ years even but then awful patches when I'm horribly suicidal and scared.

I have some support from CMHT in a 'see you in a couple of months' way, even when I was ready to jump off the pier. I do have a very supportive chronic health therapist who I see a couple of times a month to help me adjust and cope with my other illnesses.


HarrietVaneAgain Thu 27-Mar-14 14:17:43

You sound more positive today Grockle your situation sounds really tough. As I've learnt it's so important to take care of yourself.

Grandparents come with their own set of problems Prof although my in-laws are high maintainance I think. But it is nice to have someone else devoted to my DC and who spends time playing with them so I see what you mean.

Grockle Thu 27-Mar-14 14:46:51

I do feel more positive. I've been signed off work for another week (injury) which helps - knowing I'm not going to get attacked or hurt actually makes a huge difference to my mental health. And it gives me time to rest and think about life plans and stuff...

Hope everyone is coping today.

Hello everyone

Very busy day so only just got around to updating here.

Grockle- glad you are feeling a bit brighter smile I appreciate the ups and downs. Its good to try and enjoy the ups.

Dinster- you should try and not feel guilty. Every circumstance is different and I've learnt that not everyones situation is what it seems. Be kind to yourself.

Day not so bad today, which is a huge relief but it feels like a knife edge.

Hope everyone is ok

kazzawazzawoo Fri 28-Mar-14 22:00:12

I'm sorry you feel like this. I think I understand how you feel. I too function, but I just want to run away rather than commit suicide. My job is full on all the time, very busy, customer facing, lots of people who think they can be very rude because of where I work. I work 3.5 days, but dh is out of work so he is there all the time, I get no time alone. I want to run away and be alone. Or just not get out of bed, stay under the covers and speak to no one. Today at work I felt I should just walk out. I wasn't doing my job particularly well, at home I'm not cleaning the house very well and I can't talk to anyone. My dh doesn't do depression either and just tries to compete, ie always feels worse. My mother would be ringing every day if she knew and I'd feel the need to tell her things are improving, even though they're not.

I just can't keep moaning about how terrible I feel, no one really cares, so I put a brave face on and just cry when the lights are off at night. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. I have the meds but my anxiety doesn't let me take them hmmhmm

I'm sorry, this doesn't help you, but I just don't have the answer. Could you take an extended holiday and maybe have a holiday alone?

Grockle Sat 29-Mar-14 06:36:20

Kazzawazza, that's exactly how I feel and why I don't tell family. If I couldn't tell them that I'm feeling better every day, I'd feel bad & they'd fuss. It's easier just to keep quiet.

kazzawazzawoo Sat 29-Mar-14 08:14:06

Grockle, agree. That sums it up. It's easier to say nothing.

equinox Sat 29-Mar-14 14:23:32

If you call the Samaritans if you are feeling suicidal or isolated/lonely you will find them very supportive and non-judgmental listeners. Although I do not call them myself they are an invaluable service and they are stafffed by unpaid volunteers. I had a friend who used to rely on them quite a great deal and it got her through quite a difficult patch.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

howdiditgetthisbad Mon 31-Mar-14 00:31:23

Hi, just wanted to hand hold.

I think I've averaged 4 hours sleep in the past two months, I got three hours last night, baby is ill and also teething. I'm holding her now while she sleeps, I know that if I put her down she will wake. I can hear DH snoring next door.

No therapy this week for me, I have too much work to do. 7am start tomorrow. So. So tired.

re your husband shouting what is he saying?

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