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(15 Posts)
Dapper17 Fri 21-Mar-14 09:13:06

A friend suggested this forum for it's candour and advice - I ahve deleted old thread and reposted to shorten.

My marriage is at its end. Wife is now having an affair, and telling me that she does not want to reconnect with me and that I'm crowding her. I've announced my intention to move out.

Wife in recent months has been very stressed re: financial situation, and sleep pattern has been a mess for four years.

Wife does not know however that I know she is self harming. She has also looked up suicide methodologies online, although stating to her affair partner that she would never be that hurtful to children.

She will not talk to me, and does now know that I know. I am very concerned for her wellbeing and do not know what to do.

LastingLight Fri 21-Mar-14 09:55:31

Unless she is willing to admit that she needs help there is not much you can do. Protect your children. Take them with you when you leave.

bluepen Fri 21-Mar-14 11:51:54

I have had several thoughts and ideas about this.

Your wife sounds very unhappy.
Do you think that she has had an affair because
1.she was unhappy in the marriage
2. she was unhappy and depressed generally
3. she has up and down moods
4. other things happened in her life before she met you
5. she thinks she can escape her life and marriage by having an affair

Dapper17 Fri 21-Mar-14 13:23:03

Lastinglight, I'm the guy in this - in any court battle, I have a 2% chance of winning. That aside, surely there must be something I can do?

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Don't think so
4. Possibly, although she has told affair partner things she has not told me
5. Definitely - money worries have stressed her out, she is sleeping less and online more, going out more and withdrawn from house.

I have not helped with this - I've been stressed re: my work and looking for work, and have my own issues (passive aggression / "nice guy syndrome") that in turn stressed her further. I'm seeking treatment for these, but sadly I fear it is too little too late. When everything blew up, she became very critical of virtually everything about me, and that I was to blame for everything. She will not tell me her thoughts other than citing passages from a book about failed relationships.

bluepen Fri 21-Mar-14 15:37:01

Does her doctor know?

LastingLight Fri 21-Mar-14 15:56:09

Where I live the father theoretically has exactly the same parenting rights as the mother, and this is more and more being seen in practice as well. Is it different in the UK?

Can you ask her to join you for counselling? The point doesn't have to be reconciliation, but rather to help you make a plan for how to minimise the impact on the children and how you will deal with them and each other going forward. Maybe if you have sessions individually as well as together she might open up about the depression and self harming.

This may seem stupid but have you tried being nice to her? Doing the kind of things you might have done for her in the beginning of your relationship? Small things like make her a cup of tea while she is in the shower, cook dinner when she isn't expecting it, buy an unexpected treat for after dinner, fill up her car with petrol, pack her lunchbox, take the rubbish out if she usually does it etc.

CookieDoughKid Sat 22-Mar-14 01:19:03

What's sending me alarm bells is the self harming and looking at suicide methods online. Doesn't sound like a partner that wants to engage and be present. You can't take the child and runoff. You'll get arrested!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 22-Mar-14 01:23:55

Cookie - why? It is the recommended method when a woman is leaving her spouse who is mentally unstable?

The police aren't going to be interested in a father removing his children from a mother who is self-harming and suicidal.

Dapper17 Sat 22-Mar-14 02:33:32

Externally she gives no impression of being stressed in any way - calm, personable. She has a support network here, whereas I don't (my fault, working on it). Theoretically the man has a 50/50 chance custody-wise, but realistically the wife wins, virtually every time. I am not in the UK, another western country.

Lasting light, when I said I'm the nice guy in this, I meant it - I do most of the household chores, I look after the kids while she goes out, and bathe and put them to bed every night. I do the majority of the cooking (breakfast every day, most dinners). There was a short period where I would come home late from work a few nights a week, but I made sure I was home on time to enable her to go out on the other days. I gave up my pasttimes for various reasons, but mainly because I felt guilty spending time away from family. Stupidly however I get grumpy when I don't have my own space, and I took it out on my wife, leaving her uncertain of what mood I was in.

Add that to my job issues...

Finally we had an argument some weeks ago that became physical - blocking and shoving, and she finally hit me and pushed a piece of furniture over (floor lamp). She has said that this point however that she lost all respect for me (despite her doing it to me with our child in her arms in the past), and suggested we get counseling. This involved me going to counseling, while I got the blame for everything. We have argued incessantly ever since, and she has distanced herself from the house and me, and started cosying up with her affair partner who is 'there for her'.

We had a 'talk' yesterday, which involved me talking to her, and her saying virtually nothing to me. I'm trying to empathise with her in an attempt to walk in her shoes, see how she was feeling, but she is unresponsive to that. Like I said, at this time I cannot reach out to her.

Dapper17 Sun 23-Mar-14 04:21:30

wife has now said that she tried to commit suicide last week. Will not talk to me about it or tell me whether she has sought help or not. Has laid blame on me. Wants me to leave (as do i, environment too toxic for kids to be around)
I am contacting our GP tomorrow.

bluepen Sun 23-Mar-14 08:55:51

Just what I was going to say. Make sure that you go and see your GP tomorrow.

Dapper17 Sun 23-Mar-14 20:48:27

i was incorrect when i said i was to blame. Not just me. More to it, but still not sharing.
Contacting GP today.

NoEgowoman Mon 24-Mar-14 22:24:58

I hope things are making some progress forward. It sounds like there is not so much you can do for your wife but can protect your children. Thinking of you.

Dapper17 Wed 26-Mar-14 21:10:55

She has changed gp. Need to find her one somehow. Other relationship looks to be emotional affair where she wanted more. She appears be looking elsewhere too. Maybe for attention or appreciation. She does not know i know about these.

Dapper17 Tue 01-Apr-14 07:47:51

I am leaving. Wife on dating sites. Has clearly checked out of marriage despite her lip service otherwise. I need to look after myself so I can be a good dad.

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