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I'm on a slippery slope.

(14 Posts)
SlipperySlopeToDestruction Thu 20-Mar-14 16:33:57

Testing name change first.

SlipperySlopeToDestruction Thu 20-Mar-14 16:49:10

Bit of background. I have children who have some SN, am married and have had depression for as long as I can remember.

I have previously attempted suicide and failed. At that time I lied to the hospital and said my OD was "accidental". I have a history of self harm, mainly cutting, scratching and hitting myself.

Recently, my mental health has taken a big nosedive into the depths of hell. I feel I am trapped in a relationship due to circumstance when, although dh loves me, I am consistently second to work. Even when not working he prefers to spend his time on the computer rather than with me and the children. Whilst I am not anti computer, far from it, I am not someone who is totally dependent on their partner, we are our own people and not one person, I think the current situation is very unhealthy.

The words "I'm keeping you fat" have been said to me. I have to deal with all the children's medical issues myself, do all the therapies and attend all appointments on my own. I am also solely responsible for "keeping house" as I don't work out of the home.

He does work very hard, that I cannot fault. I, however, bear the brunt of all his frustrations. Get shouted at, ignored, snapped at but then expected to fulfil my duties in the bedroom.

I feel trapped as I would lose my friends, my home and everything I've ever known. I don't work as I care for the children and unless I got a super flexible job, it is not a possibility at this time.

Even if I became untrapped, I would be alone forever. No one else would tolerate me and my low moods, especially when I come as a package with two SN children.

I am therefore of the realisation that this is my life. Forever. I am then sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I have started self harming again and intrusive thought invade my head. Fantasies of suicide, a desperate urge to crash my car into the next lamppost.

I need to sort this out. I can't talk to him about it as I will end up on my own and that I just can't cope with. I need to learn to suck it up again.

SlipperySlopeToDestruction Thu 20-Mar-14 16:57:23

As an aside, I met up with an old friend recently. I fear I opened up too much to them and have made them uncomfortable. I get horribly paranoid and worry when people don't respond to messages etc. I know they are the same so can't see them doing that to anyone but my stomach is in knots and it's making me feel sick with worry.

LastingLight Thu 20-Mar-14 17:32:47

Is your depression being treated? Can you speak to your gp about meds and therapy? If your mental health improves you will find it easier to deal with both the kids and your dh.

SlipperySlopeToDestruction Thu 20-Mar-14 18:26:48

I'm on medication. I have a review next week too. The problem is I've always been too scared to be totally honest. Scared my children would be taken away from me. It's since been pointed out to me they wouldn't due to h. I just can't see an end to the way I'm feeling.

LastingLight Thu 20-Mar-14 18:41:29

You must be honest, it's the only way you will get the help you really need. If you read the threads on here you will see stories of people who were very ill, got help and nobody took their kids.

SlipperySlopeToDestruction Thu 20-Mar-14 19:10:54

They are the only things that make my life worth living. I'm barely holding onto that right now. If I didn't have children (I know this is hypothetical as I do) it is likely I would kill myself tonight. Most people would be shocked as I have perfected my "front" over the years, even this is beginning to crack.

LastingLight Thu 20-Mar-14 20:46:52

I wish I could do more for you than just encourage you to tell the medical professionals everything and give you a virtual hand to hold. (((HUGS)))

SlipperySlopeToDestruction Thu 20-Mar-14 21:14:39

I've been scratching at my arm until it bleeds. I'm having very strong urges to cut myself with a knife.

bluepen Thu 20-Mar-14 21:17:06

Hi. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so unwell.
Do you have people in rl to offload to?

SlipperySlopeToDestruction Thu 20-Mar-14 21:31:23

I did but the only person I've been totally honest with hasn't seen/responded to my message and I don't want to bother them. They don't need that from me.

I can't speak to h about it as he said last time I self harmed he would leave me if I did it again. I tried to speak to my mum but she told me to grow up.

I feel like I have no one.

bluepen Fri 21-Mar-14 07:35:51

You need someone. Friend? Church? Neighbour?

SlipperySlopeToDestruction Fri 21-Mar-14 07:42:48

I have a friend. He also has depression, we are going to do our best to help each other through this.

SlipperySlopeToDestruction Fri 21-Mar-14 07:43:48

It's the one I thought I'd said too much too. I hadn't, he's just going through a really shit time too.

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