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Starting to think I'm wrong in the head(4 Posts)
Certain parts are finally coming together like pieces of a jigsaw and I'm afraid of what it says about me as a person.
- I have few friends. The last time I had real friends was at high school. Since then, I have been incredibly lonely, but even when I do have an invitation to see a friend or go out, 9/10 times I will make an excuse and sit at home on my own feeling sad. I have been making excuses since high school days, but then I would see everyone at school so didn't miss out on much.
- I am an incredibly jealous person. If there is someone prettier / more clever / more confident than me, I instantly avoid them and dislike them. My DP has 3 children and sometimes I am even jealous of them - small innocent children who have so much love to give, and I sit and think - I wish they were in their rooms or with family because I miss my adult time with DP. I know this is horrible but I can't help it. My DP has a long and complicated history, and I even get jealous when he divulges parts of this to other people (including a counsellor) yet doesn't confide in me.
- I tell small lies about my life even to the people closest to me. I vowed that there would be no lies to my current DP, and there have been no major ones, but I might lie and say I have been at work or been out when I have actually been sat in bed all day in my pyjamas, just to make my life seem more interesting and to make it seem like I am 'in demand' or 'successful'
- I get stuck doing nothing for days. I have done nothing since the weekend, I have a busy and stressful week this week but have been 'off sick' for the past 2 days, vowing that I will go in and make up for it some other time, but the stress of how much I have to do just paralyses me even more. I've been in bed and have lied about this to DP and family when they called earlier.
- I'm selfish. If childcare falls through because someone is unwell / has their own plans / something last minute happens, I am rarely understanding (on the outside I am, but on the inside I think about myself and my plans)
- Thoughts get stuck in my head. When I am trying to go to sleep, I will think over and over about something that has happened, usually something that has made me upset or anxious. It's a fairly subconscious thing and I can't stop it - my mind just plays it to me and I can't switch it off or think of something else without massive effort, which of course isn't conducive to sleep either. Sometimes it will be things like, thinking about someone DP is close to dying, and comforting and supporting him. I don't wish anyone to die, so why do I think this? Is it part of a subconscious jealousy?
I don't know what I hope to gain from writing all this. I could go on but that is enough for now. I had a happy childhood, come from a happy home, did well in school, am studying for a prestigious degree / career, have a DP and have a reasonably functional relationship because all of the above are hidden so well (we have many other complications but that is not for now). So why do I feel all these awful things?
Hope you are feeling OK today
It sounds like you have some anxiety issues and its making you depressed. I am not a doctor or anything, but what you say sounds a lot like how I feel. I finally bit the bullet and asked the GP for a mental health referral which took about a month for the appointment.
Would you consider talking to your GP?
I found it a huge relief to know that I was not alone in these feelings, even though there is a huge road ahead, I feel better.
Thank you for replying. I did go to my GP a few months ago when I had a long period of just laying in bed, shirking responsibilities, not eating - and she gave me some self-help book titles / websites.
I accept that it probably is anxiety / depression, but I am worried about some of my thoughts and thought processes - surely they are a separate thing? Just worried about what kind of person I am underneath it all.
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