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How to help DS, twenties, when no-one's talking to us

(7 Posts)
Treasa24 Sat 15-Mar-14 23:56:13

DS, mid twenties, hasn't given sign of life for a very long time. We know he was in hospital, attempted suicide, was/is seriously ill with MH issues. Background of aggression, drugs, difficulties adjusting and unresolved grief after grandparents died. Very recently, he's come back into our lives. No notice - just turned up.

Young DCs still scared of him and, tbh, so am I. I was a target for his aggression many times.

Now says he wants to leave where he is and when when he's come down our way, he looks, frankly, awful. As if sleeping rough. He comes unexpected. DH and I see him locally but he can't come home. At least not just yet.

It is disruptive but, especially. heart breaking to see him as he is now and to hear really only monosyllabic sounds from him. He has a MH worker where he lives but before we even contemplate getting him closer to home (he's clearly very homesick after all this time), we'd need to know something about his most recent diagnosis, what kind of support he's getting etc.

When I phoned the MH centre he's under, I got a very cold, shirty response from the duty worker. Said the info I could receive was 'restricted' as per DS' wishes. We advised DS to lift that restriction but he's so not with it, that I don't think it sunk in. Will be speaking to his actual case worker next week but don't expect much more.

To make things worse, the person he's living with (my ex) has put a block on our phone and either puts the phone down on us when we phone from a mobile or is icy cold and unhelpful. We've had to ask the police to be intermediaries (ie when DS is missing at night) which is madness. Doesn't help when the 'adults' should be sharing information, talking to each other, for DS's sake.

We're dealing with one homesick, lonely young man but without fact and support, we don't know how to help him. We don't know what kind of accommodation to be looking for and if he's ready to work or train. THe MH people in our area, with whom he had contact in the past, aren't even responding to emails requesting that, in the event of DS coming this way, they liaise with the services where he is now. I'm anxious, scared, isolated and feel utterly helpless. Any thoughts or suggestions would be welcome. I'm sorry this is so long.

tiaramasu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:45:33

Wait and see what the case worker says?
And if they are not forthcoming, ask what they would do if they were in your shoes?

Treasa24 Sun 16-Mar-14 19:15:39

Here's hoping she's forthcoming.

DS rang this evening - sad he's lonely and want to come this way to a hostel for a while. Trying hard to persuade him that he should stay put till DH, he and I have a plan in place, preferably with help and support from his MH team. At the moment, I have no idea what his diagnosis/treatment is and feel so helpless.

Younger DC is furious with me for taking DS's call - says he's 'crazy' and I should turn him away. Has bad memories and isn't reassured when I say that DH and I are doing our best for oldest DS, as we would for any of the others and that he won't, anytime soon, be coming home. He was really very difficult and aggressive and I have to protect the others.

I'm feeling terrible - headache, ill, weak and have to face another week of work from tomorrow and the uncertainties about DS - will he/won't he come to where we are - what I do on the evenings I'm at work. I wondered today, for the first time, about seeing my GP, just to offload and see if they could arrange for me to talk about all this. Maybe, too, they'd act as a kind of conduit with MH services who are keeping stoney silent. I rarely ask for help. But I think this is one of those times. How does this sound? Feel washed up.

Aldwick Sun 16-Mar-14 19:23:23

Can you contact your local Mind Group for advice? I really feel for you - what a heartbreaking situation to be in.

Aldwick Sun 16-Mar-14 19:23:26

Can you contact your local Mind Group for advice? I really feel for you - what a heartbreaking situation to be in.

SilverStars Sun 16-Mar-14 21:34:26

Hi your gp could offer you counselling, but there is likely to be a wait which is not ideal. I seriously doubt whether any gp service would act in the way you want as a go between, as patient confidentiality is paramount and they are not his gp nor paid for their services to assist. If a MH team has been instructed not to talk to you at the patient's wishes they will a,so not talk I would imagine to a gp service he is not under.

I can hear the dilemma. Can you tell your do that unless he tells you his diagnosis and allows his MH team to talk to you that you are not able to support him? If he comes to you with no knowledge and away from his own support system then you can only phone the police to take him to a place of safety or get his assessed or an ambulance if he agreed to it. Sounds tricky. Also hear the concern of younger children if there safety is at risk potentially.

joanofarchitrave Sun 16-Mar-14 21:39:31

Contact Rethink for support. I really feel for you.

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