Not sure of best way forward with my Sister- any advice?

[cheekymonk]

Hi, am hoping for some insight as my family are at a loss with next move. i live away but my family (Mum, Dad, Sister) live in same town. Dad lives with his Mum, Mum lives in old family home and Sister shares house with friend. She is 31. she lived with emotionally abusive bf for 7 years. The turning point was when she was pregnant and she had an abortion and ended the relationship. She says she still has feelings for him and he her, and they maintain a texting and occasional seeing each other contact but no sex as far as i know!!!! after fallout of relationship sister lived with Mum, they fell out and sister at one point didn't know where she would sleep some nights but always found someone to help. she has been through a few jobs and was a nurse but now back to care assistant where she started as she struggles to cope with responsibility of job. she has made big mistakes (eg. given incorrect dosage to patients) and also had issues of being late, stealing (meals and chocolate bars) for example. She stirs between family members and recently admitted that she gets bored and just likes the drama. This last behaviour has pushed me away and the last few weeks I have had little contact with her. We all get very frustrated with her. Parents have bailed her out financially continuously and its like she needs constant looking after. I'm aware how unsymapthetic this sounds but this is the 3rd year now since breaking up with bf . her anti depressant dosage has been dobled and she had tried to get some counselling through womens aid. I think i probably could have been a better sister but i found her selfishness and complete self centredness so hard to deal with. for instance my Mum was down with me for dd's birthday party and she rang saying she felt low 1 hour before dds party so My Mum goes into party all worried about her instead of being able to relax and focus on her grandchilds birthday. if sister needs cheeering up she doesn't care what time it is or what other person is doing. it is draining for all of us. How can we help her get better??

[cheekymonk]

No one?

[RandomMess]

The difficulty is that she has to want to get better to start with. She sounds like she needs an assessment and then appropriate therapy - certainly more than "counselling".

[ScarletStar]

You can't really help her get better unless she is the one to take charge of her own life. I have experience of this in my family and I know how much it hurts to watch someone you love wreck their life, however it is up to them to fix things. You need to look after your own needs first and foremost otherwise you will sink in your mood and find your own life becomes chaotic. You've already said you feel drained by it all. How does that help anyone? The best support you can give is at a distance. Be firm with her, tell her that you love her and want her life to be better, but that you need to focus on your own needs first.

I'm sorry if that's not very helpful but it doesn't sound like your sister is ready to make changes so there's really no point in you or your family killing yourselves to help when it will be totally unappreciated.

[cheekymonk]

Fair points both of you,thank you. Have been googling a bit and sent her phone number for local mind and I agree she does need far more than counselling.

[RandomMess]

TBH the best you can do from now on is stop enabling her/bailing her out. Perhaps she is going to have hit rock bottom to decide to take control.

It's that sort of "I love you very much but I'm not going to condone your behaviour/actions"