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Please tell me recovery stories

(36 Posts)
BluBurd Wed 05-Mar-14 16:44:40

I have spent most of the day crying my eyes out. I have depression and anxiety and currently on my 9th day of sertraline. I have never had depression before and this is very deep, it consumes me and I can't think about anything else.

Everyone keeps telling me I will get better, I will be okay. The tablets will help. It's been six weeks since the depression and anxiety began and I am struggling to even think about having to do another day.

Please can you give me some hope, some reassurance, something for me to hold on to.

BluBurd Wed 05-Mar-14 16:50:02

My daughter discovered me on my hands and knees upstairs, sobbing my heart out. She picked me up and hugged me. Told me everything was going to be okay. Brought me a teddy bear, some orange juice and two biscuits. I'm so proud of her. And so ashamed that I can't pull myself out of this.

drbartlet Wed 05-Mar-14 16:51:50

the sertraline will help. takes 2 weeks to kick in so you're nearly there. good luck xx

fluffydressinggown Wed 05-Mar-14 16:52:32

I am sorry you feel so low.

I am in my recovery from MH problems and I can honestly say that it does get better and easier. The medication should start to kick in soon, which will be a help.

Take care.

LastingLight Wed 05-Mar-14 16:54:11

(((HUGS))) You cannot through sheer willpower heal a broken leg, and nor can you pull yourself out of depression without help. When my depression was first diagnosed 12 years ago (although I've had low grade depression for most of my life) I was put on Sertraline. That, together with counselling, made an incredible difference to me. When that dark cloud lifts and the sun comes out for you again it's the best thing ever. One day you will suddenly realise that you've been happy today, and maybe the day before, and it just sort of sneaked up on you. Hang in there with the sertraline, you've just got to keep it together as well as you can and be very, very kind to yourself. Your daughter sounds lovely. Do you have other people supporting you?

drbartlet Wed 05-Mar-14 16:54:20

there's no need to be ashamed - you're ill and you're going to get better because you've got treatment.

ElectricalBanana Wed 05-Mar-14 16:54:21

I have been at the bottom of the big black hole - just where you are. The black dog has been my only friend.

But I am better

It will come to might not be obvious at first but one day you will suddenly stop and think "ooh- it's getting better"

Sending very very warm hugs and love to you x

Sevensev Wed 05-Mar-14 16:57:38

I had depression once for 3 months, about 20 years ago, and that is all.

I now very occasionally can feel it maybe coming, and have several ways to stop it becoming proper depression, so have not had it since.

BluBurd Wed 05-Mar-14 18:40:09

Thank you all, made me cry. I cant wait for the day it feels like I am living again and not just existing.

I have a crisis team and my mum, ex husband and brother are all very supportive. I am struggling though as I feel a burden and I don't want to drag them down with me.

I really thought I couldn't stand another day of this earlier. I have never felt like this in my life and don't recognise myself anymore. I just want to be better.

violator Wed 05-Mar-14 19:43:01

Big hug for you.
I've been there, been at the very bottom of that awful pit, and I'm better now. Like you I had no history of depression or anxiety and it was so shocking to realise I was ill.

What helped me was taking the days hour by hour if I had to. I tried not to think about anything except getting through the next hour.

Counselling and CBT is enormously helpful in conjunction with medication.

You're not a burden, you're not well. And you WILL get better.

BluBurd Wed 05-Mar-14 20:39:54

Thank you, I want to be better so badly. I am not really having therapy yet as my crisis team want the tablets to kick in and calm me down a bit first. Not half as bad as I want them to kick in.

I have spent the evening under a blanket cuddling a teddy bear, like a little girl sad but it is actually making me feel better.

I love the end of the day as I nearly always feel better, but I hate going to bed because I know I will wake up and have to get through another day. I will try hour by hour, I will try anything that will stop the anxiety attacks.

violator Wed 05-Mar-14 22:13:58

BluBurd I was the same, I'd be relatively calm in the evenings and then in the mornings would be hit with the worst feelings. That will get better, I thought it never would but it did.

Just know that the feelings you get when you're anxious are just feelings, they're just physical symptoms. They can't and won't harm you.

Did you know the physical sensations of anxiety are the same as the ones you get when you're excited? It's just the thoughts that accompany them make them feel awful.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight.

Sevensev Wed 05-Mar-14 22:40:15

First off, I very much doubt they think you are a burden. Sounds like they just very much want you to get better and are very willing to help you. smile

Second. I found ignoring thoughts, especially the night ones and the ones before I had breakfast was the best way to go.
I even used to have notes under my pillow just saying "ignore my thoughts" on them, so when I woke in the night and in the morning, I would just take out the notes to help me, knowing I had written them when I was well and therefore they were reliable.

BluBurd Wed 05-Mar-14 23:09:42

Thanks both of you. I don't really get physical symptoms with the anxiety attacks, I don't get the racing heart, pins and needles, etc. It's all in my mind instead.

I get the thoughts, that I won't get better, there is something wrong with me or when I am really bad, that things aren't real. The thoughts lead to the feeling of something really bad about to happen which leads to tears, which leads to more thoughts and then pacing and desperately trying to phone people.

The physical symptoms I can and have handled, I have had anxiety once before when I was a teen. I just can't handle the mental side of it, feeling I am crazy, things aren't real, impending doom etc.

I wish I could just be normal again.

BadSeedsAddict Thu 06-Mar-14 06:35:33

Two recovery stories.
One, mine; used to get panicky to the point of being paranoid people were looking at me, hated myself, threw up most of my food after eating, cut my arms and legs. Over the last twelve years and after going onto to ADs I have slowly sorted myself out and got help inc. CBT for low self esteem. Now much much better but I had many moments along the way when I felt I couldn't go on. I have got here bit by bit and very slowly, I would say so long as you are focused on getting better and try as many things as you can, you will see improvement. I used to get down on myself for not being able to do things like meditation etc but that's unhelpful. There will be something that works for you. Just keep going and don't give up .

Second story;
My friend got so bad she attempted suicide. She got help but what has really helped her is her decision to keep pushing forward with helping herself. I can see the difference in her from a year ago - she seems more sure of herself and less nervous and anxious. She is trying different things including group therapy, and one-to-one counselling. She seems to me to be at the beginning of the journey I am also on. I told her how well she's doing because she really, really is smile it's wonderful to see!

You are at the very beginning of this. The important thing is to keep going forward. (When I get stuck I sometimes have Finding Nemo's Dory in my head; "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"!). You'll get there. It doesn't feel like it, but you will. Try to be around people you can talk to about this stuff, who won't be negative or judge you. It helps enormously.

BluBurd Thu 06-Mar-14 07:42:37

This is what is worrying me so badly .

I'm so consumed with how I feel and so afraid of it, I don't think I am helping myself. I get up, give kids breakfast, take them to school, wash the dishes and then start phoning around, looking for reassurance that I'm okay, trying to pass the time until my exhusband comes home from work.

It feels like this is my normal now. I don't remember what it used to feel like before the depression and anxiety started.

LastingLight Thu 06-Mar-14 08:15:58

BluBurd I think you have too much unstructured time on your hands. I suggest you set small goals for yourself.

- Go for a walk. You don't have to walk far, walk for 10 minutes then turn around and go back. That's 20 minutes of cardiovascular exercise in the fresh air. If that's too much, start with 10 minutes.

- Read at least 2 pages of a book. Even if you have difficulty concentrating, try to get through those 2 pages.

- Unpack and tidy up one shelf in a cupboard.

- Put some music on and dance. It's the privacy of your own home, nobody will see.

- Try to find a support group for depression and anxiety in your area.

- Bake biscuits / brownies / cake.

- Wash one or more windows.

- Write down one thing that you're grateful for.

- Write a love-you note for your dc's (how old are they?) and leave it on their pillows.

- Build something with the kids' Lego

- Play with clay or play dough (really, can be very therapeutic)

- Something simple you can do with the dc's:,15671

Do you think you could do any of those?

BluBurd Thu 06-Mar-14 08:22:48

I definitely do LastingLight. Once the kids go to school there is this huge block of 5 and a half hours with my own company.

I love the idea of writing love you notes for the kids. I will do some of those.

My crisis team just phoned me, as they didn't call back last night. My key worker reassured me that I am not psychotic. She said they assess my mental state at every appointment and if they thought for a second I was psychotic it would be dealt with straight away. She said I am in a state of severe anxiety and that I need extra support so they are increasing my appointments.

I asked to be admitted but she believes it's best to deal with this in my own surroundings.

LastingLight Thu 06-Mar-14 08:53:43

It's all well and fine to say you must stay in your familiar environment, but being on your own for 5.5 hours is far from ideal. How often are your appointments with the crisis team? Are they telephonic? Who is on the crisis team? Sorry for all the questions but I'm not in the UK and would like to understand how your system works.

BluBurd Thu 06-Mar-14 09:42:58

I have appointments every other day for the most. I can call them at any time and they are just around the corner from me.

I got back from the school run and my mum phoned. I am now in tears and have text my ex husband to apologise for being such a crap mum to his kids. They all deserve so much more than me. I want them to have the best and happiest of lives. I wish it didn't feel so strongly like I won't be there to see it.

LastingLight Thu 06-Mar-14 10:18:35

Oh BluBurd, I know that feeling of "I'm a crap mum and they will be better off without me". My DH said to me "You're the only mum she's got so we have to make the best of the situation". And things got better. Hang in there, don't think of yourself as a crap mum but rather a good mum with temporary problems.

Mrswellyboot Thu 06-Mar-14 10:21:31

From the sounds of your daughter who is so caring and loving, you sound like you are a good mum to me. flowers

BadSeedsAddict Thu 06-Mar-14 13:05:16

It is really hard when you have anxiety and are in the house on your own. Do you have any friends who you can talk to about this stuff? I am lucky enough now to have a friend who will make me go round to her house to get me out, and I do the same for her. We are both prone to anxiety and can get very down and isolated when the kids are at school. Can you get out and see someone? It's very important to be around other people when your mind is dragging you down.

BluBurd Thu 06-Mar-14 15:46:09

I do have a friend that lives just round the corner, I can go and visit her. I have an hour long appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow too, to review the meds. I'm nervous incase he increases the meds, I don't want to go through the horrible side effects again sad

I am feeling more level headed at the moment, hoping my distress for the day is over.

doodlepigs11 Thu 06-Mar-14 22:26:09

I have been through very similar, not being able to imagine what it was like to live 'normally'. I now do feel normal again and am slowly forgetting how the anxiety felt. I felt worst in the morning then a bit better in the evening like you. after about 10 to 14 days on medication I noticed I was feeling like I did in evening earlier and earlier in the day, until by about 3 weeks in I was waking up feeling ok. Hang in there, it won't be long. I agree with others, keep busy, get out the house every day, make sure you always have something planned for tomorrow.

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