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Suicide & Intrusive thoughts

(136 Posts)
littlegingercat Mon 03-Mar-14 01:13:03

This is so self indulgent, I'm sorry in advance.

I had a thread on here a while ago about paranoia, about being worried that I was being watched and people were filming me. I've searched everywhere in my home and come up with nothing but I still feel like it's happening. Can't get rid of it. Can't shift how horribly paranoid and skin-crawly I feel.

I've had anxiety for years, and it's building up at the minute so I'm constantly anxious and can't focus on anything. Feel like I can't breathe for a lot of the time. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts about overdosing, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels inevitable. I've overdosed in the past but this feels different, can't really put my finger on why but it's more external.

I see some MH professionals but I don't trust them, there's definitely no way I could tell them about how I really feel, how much I'm self harming and how I have to keep doing it worse and worse, the suicidal thoughts. I just see them about my anxiety and about getting outside, but I can't vocalise the general anxiety I have, it's so wide-reaching that there's just no way I can talk about it, all my worries about health/contamination are so strong and I can't work out how to exist around them.

I can't phone anyone because of the anxiety, don't have any friends, and no family that I'm close to. So I need to fix this on my own, but I keep going deeper and deeper, and I can't find a way out. Does it get better? What do I need to be doing to make this stop? All I can hear is a voice berating me for not taking an overdose and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Sorry and thank you if anyone reads this.

thingscanonlygetbetter74 Tue 13-May-14 14:35:13

You should look at the self help course
or follow one of the useful modules on Centre for Clinical Interventions.
CBT for numerous mental health difficulties.
it seems that posting on this site is not really conducive to changing your situation. I would advise perhaps using a mental health site like MIND or
that way you get a response from people who can advise you from their professional and personal perspective, good luck.

littlegingercat Sat 03-May-14 01:40:58

Thank you miramar.
Nothing good ever comes of my appointments. I always just end up feeling vulnerable and anxious, so I SH or OD.
I have no real choice but to accept that no-one can help. I don't know what else I can do.

miramar Tue 29-Apr-14 21:19:59

I hope something useful comes from tomorrow's appointment.

littlegingercat Sat 26-Apr-14 21:20:45

I've not really found anything that helpful, but I am exhausted and struggling to think or concentrate.
I'm seeing the support worker on Wednesday, but I can't talk to her about this. I haven't got anyone that I can talk to. There was the GP, but she made it clear last time that she's done all she can. I don't think I can get it together enough to co-ordinate a trip to the surgery anyway.

I just want everything to stop. I don't know what else to do. I keep on hanging on and in reality, this is how it's always going to be. There's just no point.

Thank you for replying.

miramar Sat 26-Apr-14 11:23:12

I'm sorry that you feel that way.
Did you find anything interesting or useful in the books or web links?
Will you see anyone soon? Hopefully someone can help you to come out of this.

littlegingercat Thu 24-Apr-14 23:34:56

I don't think I can do this anymore.

miramar Sun 20-Apr-14 19:09:18

I think HQ just wanted to add to the conversation, not stop it.

Anyway, I'm still here. smile

littlegingercat Sat 19-Apr-14 21:32:07

Thank you, that's really kind of you.
Felt like I should stop talking after the HQ post, I didn't want to keep making a nuisance of myself especially when everyone's been so kind.
Nothing's changed anyway, so I don't know what else anyone could say.

miramar Fri 18-Apr-14 08:02:37

Just thinking of you.

miramar Sat 12-Apr-14 22:59:31

I hope that the amazon book ideas and web links are useful.

take care

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 12-Apr-14 12:48:52

Thanks to those who brought this thread to our attention.

Hi littlegingercat - we're sorry to hear you're going through a tough time at the moment. We'd like to echo the advice you've gotten here and suggest that you keep trying to find help in real life. There may be some useful information in our mental health webguide

Best wishes thanks

littlegingercat Sat 12-Apr-14 02:31:09

I don't know of any non-profit organisations. I know the national ones, like Mind, but they are so busy doing so many important things.

I don't really know what an advocate does. With the potential spies, I couldn't really be honest with someone else. I don't know. I think I've gone past the point of caring and that scares me.

I just really wish that I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. Well, later on today.

Thank you again. You're very kind, to spend so much time talking to me.

miramar Sat 12-Apr-14 01:49:40

Are their any other local organisations that could help? Maybe a non-profit organisation could offer some support.

I feel that an advocate could be useful to you. I know it can be frustrating when trying to navigate what's available where. Just a thought.

Take care

littlegingercat Fri 11-Apr-14 18:18:55

Thank you both very much for replying.

I'll have a look on amazon for that book, thank you for the recommendation. I'm struggling to read at the minute but it can't hurt to try.

I'm reluctant to see another psychiatrist after past experiences. I've been told that I don't need to see one, too. I get medication from my GP, not the CMHT and I don't think they want to change that.

It's not the CMHT's fault that they're not helping. I think they're doing the best they can. I'm just so utterly out of hope and I can't keep on trying. Sorry for being so useless and repetitive.

TheLightPassenger Fri 11-Apr-14 16:18:48

I'm sorry you are feeling so down and limited in your day to day activities. All I can suggest is via GP and/or support worker you push to have a psychiatrist review you again re:meds and support, and try and be honest about your fears re:meds. There are some good books available re:amazon/kindle etc re:OCD and intrusive thoughts, such as Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer, which might be helpful even if you don't have OCD as a diagnosis.

miramar Fri 11-Apr-14 16:03:10

This is so sad. The CMHT are there to provide a service, you need the service, yet they aren't helping you. You're clearly an intelligent, thoughtful person with lots of potential. But even if you weren't, you still deserve the service.

littlegingercat Fri 11-Apr-14 13:28:09

Thank you both for reading that self-pitying nonsense.

I told the GP as much as I possibly could. Took notes with me and everything. She's lovely and easy to talk to, and probably the only person I even half-way trust. She's limited as to what she can do though, I've already been referred to the place she'd refer me to.
There aren't any other doctors at the practise that I could see.

It would genuinely be easier for everyone if I was dead. I am a burden and I take up too much time. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. Someone else could make better use of the offerings of the CMHT, one less patient for an overworked GP's surgery, less money taken from the government, an empty home for someone else to live in. I'm just a drain on resources.

I'm so scared of dying, so why do I so desperately want to be dead? It doesn't make any sense. Sorry for going on so much.

glastocat Fri 11-Apr-14 04:00:33

Oh you poor dear! Your doctor sounds rubbish, there is always something else to try! Is there another doc you could see? No one wants you to commit suicide, why on earth would they?

miramar Fri 11-Apr-14 02:11:02


I hope you can find a way to open up to someone who can help.

Take care.

littlegingercat Fri 11-Apr-14 00:57:55

I'm just going to ramble a little bit, I hope that's ok. I don't have anywhere else to express this, and just writing it down doesn't feel like it works. Trust me, I know how annoying I am, and I've used up all the kindness people have to give, so I don't expect anything.

So what DO you do when you've tried and nothing comes of it? I saw the GP. I hung on desperately, pathetically, to see the GP and she told me she could do nothing for me. Apparently, all they can do is prescribe a limited amount of medication, and refer to the CMHT. I already have the medication, and I'm under the CMHT.

Everyone wants me to kill myself. It's easier for everyone that I do. I want it too. I've tried. I've tried so fucking hard and I keep waking up, like some kind of sick joke. So I change tack; I do what I'm supposed to do; I ask for help, and nothing changes. I am never going to amount to anything, I've completely wasted my life, so why can't I just die?

What am I supposed to do now? I can't be me anymore, but I've tried to be someone else and I can't keep it up. Nothing is ever going to get any better. I want out so desperately.

littlegingercat Wed 09-Apr-14 16:23:16

I'm always more anxious when I've been out, but I'm used to that now. I know to expect it.
I had hoped it would go a bit better (though I don't know quite what I thought would happen), but it's done now, so at least I can stop worrying about it.
Thank you for replying again.

miramar Wed 09-Apr-14 15:27:07

I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope your trip hasn't made you feel more anxious.

littlegingercat Wed 09-Apr-14 14:23:36

Didn't go very well.
Thank you for thinking of me though.

miramar Tue 08-Apr-14 21:25:17

Hello, I hope things go well tomorrow.
Take care

littlegingercat Sun 06-Apr-14 00:00:24

I think it has to go through the CMHT, if she made a referral it would go to them. I've seen psychiatrists before, though only ever as an assessment-type thing. Had a few appointments with a psychologist but because I'm so utterly useless at talking about anything personal (especially with men), he stopped the sessions. I doubt I'll have the opportunity again, the NHS is not limitless.

I wouldn't blame them if they'd given up on me to be honest. I think I've given up on myself.

Thank you again. Sorry for still posting and going on. Don't feel like you're obligated to talk to me, please. I know I'm just going round in self-pitying circles.

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