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help, my anxiety is off the scale.

(56 Posts)
dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:03:16

Posting here for traffic. I've had a relationship break down this month which sent me a bit crazy. I run my own tutoring business, but thought going back to classroom teaching might give me more stability and regular hours. So I got a short term contract through an agency.

The school was lovely, but after an hour my anxiety was through the roof. I was sobbing in the toilets. I left my last school with anxiety issues and it seems all those issues were triggered by being back in a school again.

I quit after two days. The school and the agent were mystified and angry with me, as I left the school having to find someone else.

I started citalopram four days ago. I'm sitting in bed shaking, feeling suck and with no energy. I let everyone down. I'm such a failure.

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:03:48


dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:07:36

I think I might email the agent/ school to apologise and explain. I feel devastated. Maybe it would have got better if I'd stayed.

IsolaRossa Sun 02-Mar-14 09:11:52

I've taken citalopram for anxiety. It does take a while to get going, so if you've only just started, you probably dont think it's making much of a difference yet.

I've also had a lot of therapy, because my anxiety is absolutely crippling.

To a certain extent, you have to take the medication, trust that it will work and push on. Or at least, that's what I have to do. I'd have made myself stay in the school, but tried to have less duties or something until I felt a bit calmer. I haven't found a way to avoid anxiety without pushing through, it's severe enough that I can't avoid all of my triggers.

You could explain to the agency and school. I've always found that in person is far, far, far better than by email. People will take you at face value in person, and appreciate you telling them. It's also something that has helped me build confidence.

It's horrid, though, and I completely sympathise.

SundaySimmons Sun 02-Mar-14 09:12:07

Anxiety is no different from excema, it is an affliction that affects you. You have not let anyone down.

Currently, you are distressed because of your suffering an anxiety attack and the consequences of it as well as your body getting used to a new medication.

Please take note that you are suffering. You wouldn't be mean to someone who is suffering, so please be kind to yourself and not add to your distress by beating yourself up!

Anxiety is a condition that can be managed. It may take some time but you can get it under control.

Citalopram will reduce your anxiety, you need to give it time.

At the moment, you are overloaded with many different emotions, so try and relax in your bed. Look forward to later on having a nice warm bath, or perhaps a lay down in front of the tv, anything that is just chilling out.

Google yoga, some simple poses and deep breathing may help you relax.

Springcleanish Sun 02-Mar-14 09:12:26

You did the right thing in leaving, but when you feel up to it an email explaining the circumstances would be a good thing to do. For now, just focus on getting yourself better, and take each day at a time. I found setting small targets for each day helped, these could be anything from getting dressed, doing housework, to visiting the supermarket, then later on, approaching social situations. You are not a failure, you have sought medical help and you're on the first step to feeling better.

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:14:08

Thank you. It's horrific. I might go to the agency and school on Monday to explain if I can face it. I feel trembly and jittery.

anydreamwilldo Sun 02-Mar-14 09:16:59

Citalopram may take a while to kick in, up to 3 weeks. I had similar issues, actually felt worse for first week or so and wanted doc to give me different tabs!
Please hang on with it all, take it hour by hour, try to get out for several very short walks and keep telling yourself it will pass.
You need to be kind to yourself, the job is probably not right for you now.Just tell them you are not well and will be in touch in the future.
I can honestly say it was the shittiest time of my life, but it has passed and the meds have worked. I feel like 'me' again, and you will too.
Good luck and don't obsess over it all.

ElenorRigby Sun 02-Mar-14 09:18:43

As others have said you have not let anyone down, you are ill.

The citalopram will take time to work, you may also need a higher dose, your GP can help you with this. Also ask your GP for counselling.

Pushing yourself at this stage is not going to help.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal. thanks

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:19:29

I feel pretty crap. I've got to work today, but it's tutoring which I can cope with. I feel so awful.

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:30:22

I am seeing a counsellor but I've only seen her twice. I just had this very very strong feeling that I needed to run away from the school. It was very strange. I feel terrible. The agent said I had to think of my reputation and the school thought I was rash and impulsive.

BringMeTea Sun 02-Mar-14 09:30:38

Poor you. I have suffered anxiety and sometimes still do. It is debilitating and frustrating and you have all my sympathy.

As someone has said please try to accept you are not to blame. You are being proactive and trying to improve your situation. Well done.

In the short term you need to be kinder to yourself and take baby steps. I do not think you even need to go into specifics with the school or agency though of course do it if it will help ease your anxiety about 'letting them down'. At my worst I just had to repeat to myself that no matter how much I felt I was letting people down by being unable to fulfil certain obligations, the world will not stop turning.

Hope you feel better soon.

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:34:37

Thank you so much bringme. I am crying because it is such a relief to know that some people don't blame me. I am just so disappointed in myself.

drinkyourmilk Sun 02-Mar-14 09:34:55

I took citalapram for depression and anxiety for 3 years. It took me about 2 months to start feeling better and 6 to feel normal. This isn't to scare you, just to let you know that it can take time. Others have found it to be much quicker. I found the first 3 weeks quite tough as it stopped me sleeping. 4 days of sleeping pills and I was fine though.
I understand why you want to explain to the agency and school, but maybe now isn't the best time. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Go back to them when you are feeling stronger.
What helped me more than the medication was CBT. I was very sceptical but thought I'd give it 4 sessions. Ended up going for 8 months and have a very occasional session now when I recognise anxious behaviour I thought I had stopped. It helped me identify triggers, deal with situations I can't avoid, and helped me to process stuff better so I am not on 'high alert' constantly.
I know you feel horrific at the moment, but please remember that you identified the problem all by yourself, and have been brave enough to ask for help. It honestly will get better. Maybe by focusing on the little things for a few days will help? Just things like getting washed and up, having a cup of tea etc. It's just a case of time now.

WWOOWW Sun 02-Mar-14 09:40:05

the support on this site is great

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:40:27

Thank you drinkyourmilk. I might just send a short email to apologise, maybe I'm not ready to do it in person. They were so confident in my ability and chose me over another candidate. The children had already had a number of different teachers, so I let them down too. I feel guilty, but I'm getting three hours sleep a night if I'm lucky at the moment and I just couldn't do it.

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:42:54

Will take a look wwooww. Thank you. I'm actually surprised no one has told me what a horrible person I am, as I feel that about myself.

ElenorRigby Sun 02-Mar-14 09:46:50

The counselling will take time too.

As for the urge to run, I know it well.
Again be kind to yourself, if you cant face something at the moment, its fine, stay within your comfort zone until step by step you get better.

Another thing that helped me through difficult times was practising Mindfulness.

Maybe try this Online Course
Or read this Book
Also read what the NHS says about Mindfulness

You might also want to take B vitamin supplements.
Exercise is also beneficical. How about Couch to 5k

Sorry if that list is a little, just throwing out a few ideas which may help smile

ElenorRigby Sun 02-Mar-14 09:48:40

*a little long

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:54:43

Thank you so much. Vitamins would help as I don't eat much or well really.

AnnabelleDarling Sun 02-Mar-14 09:56:38

Send the school an email, apologise, say that you were feeling very unwell and couldn't stay, you don't need to go into too much detail.

My 13 year old has been suffering from terrible anxiety and panic attacks, it has been a nightmare for him, so you have huge sympathy from me. I have told him it's not his fault he has anxiety in the same way it's not his brothers fault that he has asthma. He has been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now and she is using CBT to help him. It is really starting to make a difference, he was able to go somewhere this week that he had been avoiding for months.

Keep up the meds and ask your GP for a referral for CBT. We were waiting quite a while for an appointment so I did some reading, there is a 'CBT for dummies' book and a workbook to go with it that I found very good.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Algea Sun 02-Mar-14 10:07:29

I did something very similar. I started a new teaching job and within a week or two realised I just couldn't cope (long term issue with depression.) As I see it, I had no choice but to leave. I e mailed the head to explain, and he was actually very understanding. I couldnt have spoken face to face, I was just too poorly and embarrassed. I begged to be released from the contract and he did so. Teaching is stressful at the best of times, and if you are already feeling fragile Im not surprised you felt you couldn't cope. You would have made yourself worse by trying to stay.

I did feel really awkward about my departure, but now I remind myself it is an illness; I know of other teachers who have left/been long term sick for stress and/or depression and actually most people are very understanding about it once they know. Be straight with them, apologise, and ask please could you try again when you are feeling better...and be clear to them and yourslef that you will not rush yourself next time. Good luck, and persevere with the meds.

WWOOWW Sun 02-Mar-14 10:16:39

Feeling that you are a crap person and that you are letting others down is part of anxiety - and feeds the anxiety for some, making it a vicious circle. Give yourself a break.

dontcallmehon22 Sun 02-Mar-14 10:26:27

I guess you're right. The anxiety pre existed the job though, so maybe I should've known not to take it. It did get worse though.

WWOOWW Sun 02-Mar-14 10:34:49

Anxiety will take various forms but in general the more you do something the easier it becomes. You might not be well enough right now but do not rule it out for the future - that leads to self hatred. As I say - be kind to yourself (and do have a look at the website above - the chat room is particularly helpful).

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