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Feel like I have given up

(12 Posts)
BluBurd Mon 24-Feb-14 08:38:01

Just over four weeks of constant anxiety, feeling unreal, thinking in going crazy and am going to die soon. Feeling like I will never be able to live a normal life again. I feel like a burden on everyone, I don't know who I am anymore and what the point of anything is.

A doctor prescribed sertraline and I had a panic attack a few hours after I took it, couldn't sleep all night. I was too scared to take it again yesterday and feel even more hopeless because I can't take something that might be able to fix me.

I have four beautiful children, that I can't be a proper mother too. Lately I have been thinking more and more that this could all stop. That I could just kill myself and then I wouldn't be a burden on anyone anymore, my kids could live with their dad and no one else really cares all that much about me myself.

I just can't accept what's happened in my life and I don't know if I ever will. I have an appointment with the crisis people and am going to ask to be committed. I'm scared of how I feel now. I feel angry at everyone and I'm scared that I might end up killing myself if things don't get any better soon. I am scared I've lost my mind.

LastingLight Mon 24-Feb-14 08:47:28

Well done for seeking help, that is an important first step. You need to give the doctor feedback on what happened with the sertraline, their are many different ad's and if one doesn't work they can try something else.

You seem to have good insight into your situation, which helps. When is your appointment with the crisis people?

Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. I know that right now the problems don't feel temporary but that is a lie that depression is telling you. Don't believe it. Your children need their mum.

BluBurd Mon 24-Feb-14 08:52:51

I just don't see the point. I have lost the person I used to be, I hate what I have done and feel like I should be dead. That I don't belong here anymore. I don't know how to make anything better. I tried. Even breathing, it feels like if I didn't bother I'd just stop. My appointment is at ten I think. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

LastingLight Mon 24-Feb-14 09:00:43

It can get better, I promise you. You need and deserve to be helped. Be very honest at your appointment, it's important for the professionals to know exactly how you feel. That person you used to be is still in there. Depression is masking her but with the proper treatment you can get her back. Don't give up.

teawomen Mon 24-Feb-14 10:37:42

Hi. I can sympathise with you. But stick with the sertreline for a few more days it has helped me massively get my life back to the point some days (most) I feel like me again I've been on it four months now and I've never looked back. Do tell your doctor what happened not as I felt horrific after a week mod taking fluoxetine our body's all work differently that tablet just wasn't right for me. It takes. Few weeks to get the full effect and side effects can be grim sometimes. Good luck I honestly know how you feel I only have one child and it's hard enough being anxious with one lt alone four. X

BluBurd Mon 24-Feb-14 11:41:18

Thanks tea woman. It's hard to know what is the tablet and what's my own anxiety. My crisis team seem to think I have acute stress disorder. I spend my days feeling like I am going to die at any moment, obsessively searching the internet for answers, crying and feeling numb. Just been told my brother will be coming to see me tomorrow, it's been years since I saw him. And I feel nothing. No excitement, no happiness. The only things I seem capable of feeling is hopelessness or anger.

My appointment got moved to 1pm. If I am not admitted my mum has said she will take the week off work, and her and my brother will stay with me whilst I get on the tablets and my ex husband will have the kids so I don't have the stress of them whilst I adjust to the tablets.

I am just terrified they won't work and I will be in this state forever.

SilverStars Mon 24-Feb-14 19:19:51

How did your appointment go?

It sounds a good plan with Mum and brother if not admitted to hospital,plus having children having time with their father.

Is there any reason for the stress (apart from being a single mum to 4 children?) that you can help address to change the situation for you? More childcare with younger ones maybe? Or home start? A family support worker from the children's centre? Just some ideas.

teawomen Mon 24-Feb-14 19:49:51

It's trial and error with the meds. But I promise it does get better. What happened at your appointment?? You sound like you have a great support network that's the key. Get out for walks I know it's the hardest thing in the world but exercise and fresh ark will do you the world of good. I didn't think id ever get my life bck. Good luck.

BluBurd Tue 25-Feb-14 17:34:38

Hi, thanks for the messages. I ended up out with my mum and brother and am back on the sertraline. I take it at night now and today with the extra anxiety I took 0.5 of the lorazepam and have been more settled today.

I'm mostly feeling depressed. I should be with my kids, running my house and going to work, not sat about doing very little. I'm so frustrated that I am like this and it's taking so long for me to be okay.

teawomen Tue 25-Feb-14 19:54:26

Just take it easy. Best thing for me was getting out. I used to walk about in dream land it was horrific looking back I hope I never return. Anyway it was my mother in law who forced me out ( dd was nursery when I was off on sick it was hell) at the time I just wanted to hide from the world but it did help. Even if I didn't enjoy any of it. We went for cuppas, to asda anywhere which took longer than an hour. I never suffered with depression just the anxiety and panic. I slept when I needed and then went back to work 8 weeks after starting the tablets and that was just before Xmas. It hasn't been an easy road but having people around you helps.

BluBurd Wed 26-Feb-14 18:41:08

I'm struggling to take it easy. I am like a Jekyll and Hyde at the moment, I go from being okay to complete tearful mess convinced I'm about to die, can never be normal again and I'm going to lose my kids. It's horrendous. I had an awful morning, ended up taking 0.5 lorazepam which calmed me down.

I just hope the tablets will work for me. Help me accept everything that has happened and get back to some sort of normality. I was very suicidal again this morning. Just want to be better.

teawomen Wed 26-Feb-14 19:42:33

Give it another week and if no better I would defo go back to doctors. There's no harm in taking your lorazepam. Good luck. Hope you feel better soon.

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