Can't sleep

[Suicidal5833]

I've taken four sleeping pills but still can't sleep. I just keep going over and over bad things in my head. Plus I'm not well and the pain is keeping me up. I feel different at this very moment I am writing out suicide notes and I feel calm and happy while I'm doing it. The sadness I feel is that my youngest will not remember me from when i was well and a good mother.

I've had enough of being a invalid unable to do anything barely able to get out of bed. My mum and partner have to look after the kids in shifts because I can't even look after my own dc. Tomorrow when she picks them up I'm going for a walk to a place with a very very high bridge and before I did I plan on feeling how it feels to fly.

[muddleup]

Can I join you in the not sleeping?
I think I've watched everything on my sky box and am now watching the shopping channel...not good because I'll end up buying rubbish.

I don't have any answers to make you feel better, I'm in the same boat, hoping it will sink.
I can only say what people say to me to phone someone or speak to crisis team.
My kids are older and can fend for themselves when I'm struggling but I do worry about the effect I have on them.
I feel quite hypocritical writing this, I guess I just wanted you to know your not alone xx

[Suicidal5833]

Thank you do muchuddlewp that means a lot it helps to chat to someone in the same place who understands how old are your dc? Mine are 8,4 and 2

[muddleup]

Hiya, mine are 13, 15 and 19, I think they are just as much hard work now as when they were younger, just now they are bigger, 3 teenagers under the same roof is a disaster sometimes.

Do you have much support?
I have a Cpn, psychologist and psychiatrist , sometimes they are helpful but other times I feel like I'm talking to myself, but then I struggle to get what's in my head into words.

[Suicidal5833]

I did have a lovely pychiatrist and two cpns and a psychologist but I had to switch doctors because I needed a emergency appointment and I don't get on with the new one. I no longer have therapy as the course finished but am awaiting further therapy. Also as I have bipolar and my illness is episodal my cpns discharged me when I was well and now my new pychiatrist won't re refer.

[muddleup]

Sounds very similar to me.
My previous psychiatrist was lovely, he really listened to you but he left and my new one isn't as good.
I've not long got a new psychologist as mine went off sick and then left, she was great. The new one is ok but it's hard trying to get used to how she works.
My cpn is a hit or a miss, never really know how it will be with her.

Hows things this morning?
Have the kids gone to your mums yet?
Can you try and tell her how things are for you?
I hope things are better for you today x