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this illness has stripped me of all i am worth

(32 Posts)
mouses Fri 21-Feb-14 12:29:20

Ive suffered with depression for as long as I can remember - although it was clear until 4yrs ago <just thought it was normal shit life behaviour>
ive got a good idea its a mood disorder, bipolar, borderline personality disorder etc... tho gps, councillor and psychiatrist just think depression.

ive never had a huge amount of confidence or self esteem, but going back in time I had enough to socialise, make friends and have hobbies.. I went to preforming arts college, had kids then BOOM! life went down hill. well it wasn't the best life yet id give anything to have the old me back!

never had family support, ever. had a good group of friends (pre-motherhood) I was never one to have intimate boyfriends, go out drinking, take drugs etc - made a few mummy friends but they fizzled out when I wasn't as out going and as exciting as a wet cloth!

fast forward to today, 3 kids, no friends (well one but she a lot older and prefers visitors in her own time) no hobbies, no emotions, no feeling of worth? I sat here yesterday near tears (again) at how isolated and lonely I feel. I cant bear socialising, im terrified of it. so may never get over this. I have zero interest in any thing. my kids are bored stiff, they don't socialise and its my fault - everyones elses kids have the confidence to go cinema with friends (which they don't have either) travel and play out. whereas mine are staring at computer screen all day. sad

life feels so empty and well 'lifeless'! only left the house yesterday to get sugar from the shop but hadn't been out side since last fri, as kids are off school haven't had to go out.

theres just nothing there, I feel theres no point to life. I even struggle bein a good mum. I regret having them and having nothing to offer.
sorry to rant on but I have no to talk to in real life.

Quitelikely Fri 21-Feb-14 12:50:23


Are you married? Do the children see there dad so you get a break? Are you taking meds?

I'm really sorry that you feel this way but I think you need some meds or definitely a change in meds because whatever your doing at the moment just doesn't work.

Trust me your life doesn't have to be like this. But you have got to help yourself for your childrens sake if not your own.

You really need to encourage your children to do other activities outside of school if possible like guides/beavers/rainbows etc. if transport is a problem why not ask them to see if anyone in their class goes etc and try to arrange lifts and so on

Also your HV might be able to get you some free nursery time if you have very young children since you are struggling at the moment.

Have you thought about going back to college? If your on benefits usually all childcare is paid for and you can retrain to do something you feel is a worthwhile, enjoyable career.

I know the place your in. It's depression doing this to you.

Keep talking. How old are your children

mouses Fri 21-Feb-14 13:51:57

hi, im not married. I do have a partner but he lives with his mum. we tried living together but I couldn't cope with it, hes so out going and social where I aint and we just clashed.

my two boys (12 & 9) see there dad fortnightly but he doesn't have his own place so cant have them over night. so its literally pick them up at 11am on a sat and drop them back around 7pm, then again sun.
my partner is the my dds dad but to be honest has other priorities and doesn't spend time with her. i haven't got it in me to confront him about this, also he wouldn't know what to do with her! so i feel she's looked after better by me.

i have been trying to get my gp / psych to change my meds (fluoxetine) but they just upped dose! so i decided to take stand and refuse to take them any more cos i was feeling the same as i am know on them. they might as well as been smarties!

i feel so guilty that the kids suffer, but i just cant bring myself to take them to after school clubs, i know im not lazy so i don't understand this?! i don't drive and the kids don't really know anyone that well to tag along?

my dd is 3.5, she goes nursery 2 and a half hrs a day. this ties me down to the house. the counsellor keeps saying about mind groups but i just cant get to them in time and they wont let me bring dd.

same goes for college, i have no one to have dd. in sept she goes full time so i know i will have more chance of doing something (if i can get out the house!)

i sound like im making excuses but believe me i find life a huge effort, not deliberate. i don't want to be like this but i just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

every day is SO painfull mentally. i do have manic moments where i spend loads of money uncontrollably, on a certain 'projects'.last phase was keep fit, treadmill, gymball, health gadgets, health foods..... at the time i forget im down and in my own 'happy' zone? then come a few weeks later im here crying cos i realise im still the same depressed waste of heartbeat!

livingzuid Fri 21-Feb-14 14:42:55

Sorry to hear things are so tough. You can request to see a new psychiatrist if you aren't happy with your care. And perhaps see another gp for a second opinion?

Were you ever diagnosed with post natal depression?

Quitelikely Fri 21-Feb-14 15:03:04

Can't you ring up the surgery and ask for sons different medication. Your current set just obviously isn't working for you. I know sertraline has been brilliant for a lot of people so maybe you could try that.

At least in September your dd is going to be at school so this leaves you free to do some things that you felt you couldn't due to looking after dd.

What you need to understand is if you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got. So you really need to change your life. You need to start doing things differently and getting out more. I believe you will only be able to start this if you change your meds though. You are at such a low ebb you need that kick start.

Do you and dp not go out to the pub etc why not try going to a sure start centre. Honestly you have got nothing to lose. Go to the toddler groups, I know you say you're dull but bloody hell so am I lol I've never got anything I retesting to say and Im stuck in a rut right now very much like you and tonight I'm going back on the meds. I don't want to but ill do it so that it gives me the kick I need.

I do go to groups but I haven't been for weeks blah blah just like you really but I do make sure the kids get socialised here and there, when I don't, which happens my guilt is terrible.

It's a vicious circle and sadly only you can pull yourself out of it. Life is hard sometimes but I have realised no one is really going to come along and help me out in the ways I would like. I've got to make it happen and so have you. Do it for the kids. Ring the surgery and ask for a new prescription or just start taking the extra dose. Something's got to give. Also does your dp sleep over? Can't he give you a break or something? What part of the ik are you in?

Quitelikely Fri 21-Feb-14 15:04:21

Uk that meant to say!

mouses Fri 21-Feb-14 16:08:18

livingzuid i knew i had post natal depression but denied it in fear they would take kids off me. its was only when i hit rock bottom my eyes opened to how bad i was.

i waited so long to get my appointments with the psychs only to feel let down. i didn't have any energy to fight to see another. i have my next appointment on the 6th march and will tell him how im feeling.

quitelikely i tried telling them the meds aren't doing anything but was told i cant change them until id seen a psych would could diagnose me and then supply different meds - only for him to up the does of what i was taking.

i know its ony me who can change things and you know how hard it is right? you speak true words and i am my own worst enemy.
i do need to get out more, although i have no where to go? i do sometimes go for a walk but all i do is think about how bad i feel.

no i don't do pubs, my dad was an alcoholic and beat my mum infront of us kids - then i spent 8yrs with the boys dad who was drug and alcohol abuser. so i cant bear these places.
i have social anxiety, i find restaurants, town centres really hard to deal with, i have to go home if i start to feel shaky. cant do it.

im sure ive seen sure start, ive had homestart where a lady volunteered to visit once a week but had no effect on things really. toddler groups here are during the morning, a time which dd is at school. the mums round here snigger at my health so wouldn't give them the time of day!
the glares are deadly.

i keep promising myself to do better for the kids but the guilt is so over powering and knocks me down to that dark place. where i just cant think straight. again im aware its up to me and take full responsibility for their lack of life... bit like my up bringing! it is like a vicious circle.

yea dp stays 3 nights a week, as i say he doest have much responsibility with dd, he's too much self centred. (not that i will get mum of the year award) i wouldn't be relaxing any way, id be worrying is she's been fed, go a coat on, if he's even watching out for her. so it wouldn't be much of break.

im in Essex

livingzuid Fri 21-Feb-14 16:49:39

No one will take your kids away from you because you have depression so please don't worry about that.

It's right for your gp to refer you to a specialist for you to talk things through. Only they can diagnose what your illness is and the correct combination of medicine to combat it. A gp isn't trained to do so. Just don't leave that room without a referral.

Good luck thanks

mouses Fri 21-Feb-14 17:07:30

i had a first meeting with psychiatrist in November 2013, he said i need to changed my mind set. true... but its like asking an alcoholic to walk out the room and never drink again. if it were so simple i wouldn't be in the room.

that's not directed at you, its what i was thinking at the time. i was seeing a counsellor - was meant to have cbt or some eye movement something? therapy. but 3 or 4wks in and she said i needed more help than she could offer so never got the therapy? was referred to psychiatrist and that was that.

thanks for the luck x

Quitelikely Fri 21-Feb-14 17:44:11


Is there any chance you can up your meds? I know your peeved with the psych but just for now do you think you can do it?

What do you mean they laugh at your health? Have you tried going back to the gp with your social anxiety as I do believe that cbt would help with that.

Also I know the effects of having the type of family you describe but try to let that motivate you into creating a stable, loving environment for your own family. This is so when they grow up they repeat what you showed them a family is like.

Have you heard of city socialiser? Google it. It's for people who want to get out and meet new friends. Please consider going. There is a person who totally supports you on your first few meets.

Do not give up on getting yourself better. The doctors and nhs have a duty to help you get better. Keep preserve ring with them. It's not their life that's a mess so they don't give a damn (so it seems at times). Keep fighting until you get what you need to make you better.

Do you think you will up the meds?

mouses Fri 21-Feb-14 18:11:33

im meant to be taking 40m of fluoxetine, to be honest i thought i was doin ok without them but i might go to the gp for them now. feeling really ill and my head is swimming.

neighbours often ask if i want a drink in the summer sitting out in the garden (communal) when i said no i don't drink they sniggered. they ask if i go out for a night and i said no, they laughed again. 'what do you do then?' they asked! word goes round round and a lot know of my health and i feel people avoid me. i feel panicky when talking to people and i think it shows.

i really wanted it to be the complete opposite of how it was for me growing up, i find it so hard to give them so much attention. they have no grandparents, aunt, uncles... i don't know what to with them its feels very lonely just us.

i will google city socialiser, never heard of it. i do want to change i just feel alone and have no support to help kick me up the butt!.

SilverStars Fri 21-Feb-14 20:57:40

Hi. You have been diagnosed by medical professionals. You do not need to have a different diagnosis to justify feeling so low - depression in itself is a debilitating illness. I am sure the medics have got it right. What you perhaps need to do is ask them what you need to do to feel better. So if they prescribe medication taking it helps. And be honest with them if you have not taken it. If you are under a psychiatrist then it is because you are on medication and do not have a diagnosis of mild depression. If you do not take it or do as suggested then like an other poster says, if you always do what you have always done = no change and you may stay how you are.

Can you ask your HV to see you. A home visit. Tell her how you are struggling to socialise and get out. She may suggest some afternoon groups or activities she knows of? Can you tell her how things are and she may be able to sort out extra funding for childcare even if it helps.

mouses Fri 21-Feb-14 21:10:09

ive been told so many things by them all i get confused. the last thing i heard was clinical depression? i don't understand whats wrong with me. i don't want to be depressed, i don't try to be depressed. i just want to wake up in the morning and feel its worth breathing and not just 'get through' the day. i need help an worried its all gonna go wrong.

i don't even know where to find my health visitor or who she it is now? they used to be based in my community centre once a week but i know that went years ago.

SilverStars Fri 21-Feb-14 22:50:55

When you see a psychiatrist they write a letter to your gp each time. Ask to have a copy of this. I do this with any consultant my family member is under - it gets posted out. Free. It will then have your diagnosis on it. Clinical depression is depression if that helps.

Phone up your gp's receptionist and ask for the name of the local heal visitor and their phone number. Then you can phone and ask for a home visit. You can tell her - does not matter if not seen before how you are struggling. They have access to different resources that gp's and psychiatrists do not have and can visit you themselves as well. Can offer practical help, support groups, help with childcare etc so you can get to groups etc where possible. They are amazing resources. They can offer a family support worker from you local children's centre also. You can also phone up your nearest, or visit, chikdren's sure start centre and receptionist can get you the HV number.

mouses Fri 21-Feb-14 23:19:40

ok i will do, i feel i just get pushed from pillar to post with no idea whats going on! half the time i don't even feel with it.

im going to gp any way cos im feeling so ill, will ask the receptionist for the health visitors details. thanks

LastingLight Sat 22-Feb-14 08:09:56

Hey mouses

I'm sorry things are so bad at the moment. Did you tell the psychiatrist about the manic spending sprees? That is an indication of bipolar rather than depression and you may need a mood stabiliser in addition to an ad.

Can you take the kids out for a walk? Maybe when dp is there? You don't have to interact with anybody other than them, just getting out of the house and some exercise will be good for them. Play a game where you look who can see the first/most dog, cat, bird, red car etc.


mouses Sat 22-Feb-14 09:41:49

hi lasting, i told him about the spending. he said its just something im doing to take my mind off things? i told him its a mood problem. and if i were diagnosed with any type id say it was rapid. i don't even know its coming. im not an expert in this its just how im feeling.

my older 2 are too old to play an eye-spy game, they just spend the time jabbing each other and shouting. my dd might play.

mouse26 Sat 22-Feb-14 10:00:21

Hi mouses, unfortunately I have no advice for you. Just wanted to give you (((hugs))) x

mouses Sat 22-Feb-14 10:16:51

hi mouse, thanks. how have you been? your thread had gone so couldn't catch up, was too busy spending and lurking on the fitness boards.

Bproud Sat 22-Feb-14 10:36:06

Hi Mouses
I am sorry you are feeling so isolated. Have you though about contacting your local Home-Start group here A volunteer could come and visit you, and help you to think about joining local groups (would go with you to start with) and fun things to do with your kids. You would get more regular contact than with a health visitor I think.

mouse26 Sat 22-Feb-14 10:39:46

I've been ok mouses, the corporal seems to be working for now so haven't really had much to say smile x

mouse26 Sat 22-Feb-14 10:40:33

Corporal? Should say citalopram grin

Quitelikely Sat 22-Feb-14 11:24:56


You don't have to drink to sit out with the neighbours. Or you can get alcohol free stuff or just say your on antibiotics so you can't drink.

How is your weight loss going? Can the boys play outside with a ball?

I know what you mean about waking up and feeling like that so you must take those pills. Even if its for a little while. Until you develop new daily patterns and routines.

mouses Sat 22-Feb-14 12:42:19

mouse im glad they have helped, i thought i was ok so hadn't been on the mh board.

bproud, ive had homestart before when my son was 2 (he's 9 now) she was lovely, called sally. it didn't help me get out, so she used her time to just talk to me and all i did was moan about life! the poor lady was probably relieved when her yr was up. also my son took a liking to her and was confused when the visit suddenly stopped. kept asking where sally was.

i am determined to get out to mind groups cos i think i would only be able to socialise with like minded as the would understand right? but this will happen when dd is full time school.

quite likely - i did tell them i will have a juice or coffee and sit with them but they mocked me, poring me a drink. i felt intimidated and not part of the social gathering.
my garden is communal and the stupid rules are no ball games, no bikes and no skate boards etc... so the outdoor space for the kids is useless!

im currently trying to move so i can start fresh.

LastingLight Sun 23-Feb-14 18:45:24

How was your weekend mouses?

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