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Cheating depressed DH

(28 Posts)
CheatedUpon Wed 12-Feb-14 16:14:40

DH has been suffering severe chronic depression and anxiety. We struggled with it for many years, but the past 2-3 years he became more and more distant and withdrawn. Basically, our love life came down to pretty much nothing at all. I always put it down to his depression and never wanted to discuss it with him. Did not want to embarrass him, and not to make him feel even worse about himself. And yesterday accidentally found out he has been cheating on me . I was so shocked as you probably know that having depression in the family is not fun and I always tried to help/support him through it. It is also so out of character. He had a major breakdown last summer, was off work for a month. It took ages for things to get back to normal. I think the affair happened before the breakdown. What do I do? Afraid that talking about it will make him feel worse he has serious self-esteem issue. Our 11 year old adores him. We are not that young either, in the late 40th... If he was a "normal" man, I would just probably leave him but this is different.

CheatedUpon Thu 13-Feb-14 13:07:56

Bumping myself. Been crying on and off all night. Feeling very cross that my first reaction is - how do i sort it out? If I leave, our son will blame me no matter what. He adores his father. I wonder how many families go through things like that. Men having middle age related affairs. Women having to pick up the pieces.

fieldfare Thu 13-Feb-14 13:14:40

I'm sorry but you're not going to like what I have to say.
At some point you are going to have to act for yourself. To preserve yourself, your sense of self worth, your confidence, everything.
You have supported your husband, to your own detriment and he cheats on you. Regardless of his mental health issues, it shows a complete disregard for you, your family and everything you hold dear.

I would not be able to remain in a situation like that.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thu 13-Feb-14 13:14:45

Cheated, I've known a couple of men who had depression, only for it to later turn out that they were having an affair and that the depression was probably due to the stress of hiding it. A lot of damage can be done by cognitive dissonance - the "I'm a good family man" jars with "but I am screwing someone else behind my wife's back".

You haven't done anything wrong, you know. Depressed or not your H has no right to cheat on you. An illness is not a get out of jail free card. If he'd broken his leg and then had an affair would it be ok?

I'm so sorry he's done this to your family. You are not obliged to stay with him because he is ill.

Can I ask if you've had any support throughout his depression?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thu 13-Feb-14 13:22:12

Cheated, I think you need this thread to be about your pain and not about H's mh problems. If you asked mnhq to move this to Relationships I think you'd get a lot of support.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Thu 13-Feb-14 14:52:41

Definitely get this thread moved. You sound like such a lovely person, he has an affair and your first thought is all about him and how you can support him. You sound beaten down.

CheatedUpon Thu 13-Feb-14 15:41:05

Thank all of you. Didn't want to go in Relationship forum exactly because of the MH side. He is not your normal rational cheating bastard.
*FuckYouChris" - no, didnt have any support.They tried different ADs which were not working, he had really bad anxiety, could't sleep, went on for ever.He wasnt even offered counselling for himself, just given some courses. We tried mindfulness but to be honest it was a waist of time . And I had been working full time through this and keeping it all "normal" for our son.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 13-Feb-14 15:43:14

"he is not your normal rational cheating bastard"

And that is exactly what he will play on to get you to forgive and forget his cheating.

He is.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 13-Feb-14 15:45:25

(a very good friend of mine was in exactly the same situation last year, years of coping with a depressed, reclusive husband who would disappear for days on end, even over Christmas, leaving her and his family thinking he was dead in a reservoir somewhere. Turned out he'd not been quite as reclusive as she'd been led to believe, but had made the acquaintance of several women while she was worrying herself sick over him and blaming herself for his breakdowns.)


LilyBlossom14 Thu 13-Feb-14 15:45:43

don't confuse him being unfaithful with depression - they are 2 separate issues and one does not excuse the other.

Do not stay with him out of pity - and you can't fix it or make allowances for him.

He was unfaithful because he wanted to - not because of his health.

CheatedUpon Thu 13-Feb-14 15:52:51

Oh God you are right. Of cause you are right. We talked today, it was "I have been so stupid , I can't believe I have broken the most important thing in my life". What bollocks. What am going to say to my boy...

livingzuid Thu 13-Feb-14 16:05:28

There are plenty of people struggling with depression. They don't all go and leap into bed with someone else. As a pp has said, the two are compeletely separate. He should have turned to you his wife for support not sought it in the arms of someone else.

Your son will be fine. But there is no way you should stay with someone just because of what you've put above. If you want to leave, leave. If you want to work it out and believe there is something to save then do so. He is a grown man, however, who needs to take ownership of his condition himself. You can't cure him. thanks

livingzuid Thu 13-Feb-14 16:06:30

And he needs to face up to what he's done and the hurt he has caused. So sorry you are going through this sad

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 13-Feb-14 16:07:49

Rethink your OP.

Begin it with the cheating. Sort out your feelings about a man who has demonstrably cared so little for your relationship that he has been prepared to chuck it away for a fling.

How did you find out?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Thu 13-Feb-14 16:13:51

Whatever you have been doing hasn't helped has it? He isn't getting any better and now he is behaving in a manner which is harmful to you. If he is sleeping with her you are at risk from std's.

You and your kids deserve a healthy happy home and I personally feel this is best achieved on your own.

My ex was mentally ill, it almost killed me.

You and your kids deserve better.

Let this new woman provide him with the help and support he needs.

CheatedUpon Thu 13-Feb-14 16:39:35

thanks again all of you. I know what you mean Lumpy. Sorry you've been through this as well. I saw some of his emails accidentally, one saying "please forget about me" so sounds like it is over. He says its only happened once , looks like was some kind of internet relationship.To be honest, does it matter? Bastard.

livingzuid Thu 13-Feb-14 16:45:33

Nope it doesn't matter. He's behaved terribly and you are left to pick up the pieces. You might want to move this to relationships as honestly it's not to do with his depression.

What do you want to do about it?

CheatedUpon Thu 13-Feb-14 16:53:40

I don't know.I told him I need some time.We are in the middle of selling the house to move closer to his work and my son's school. We had all these plans together.It's like a bomb exploded.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 13-Feb-14 17:26:53

And that's what my friend's husband told her. It had all been online. And it was a one-off. And they hadn't, of course, had sex. And it was over.

You need to look at The Script.

He has learned it off pat.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 13-Feb-14 17:28:40

May I predict also that she will have been a trollop who a) flattered his poor downtrodden ego (the subtext will be that you are responsible for him needing to have fucked around, it will be your fault, for not being attentive/beautiful/caring enough for thim) b) was a mad psycho stalker and he tried oh-so-hard not to let his penis fall into her vagina, but oh, shucks, she made him......

CheatedUpon Thu 13-Feb-14 17:36:17

To be honest I don't give sh**t who she was , I would not talk to him about it. He didn't try to put it on me - it was more "I feel so bad about it, I hate myself, how could I do that to you, I only love you" bullshit.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 13-Feb-14 17:37:52

I am liking that you don't give a shit, and I am liking that you are angry.

Stay angry.

CheatedUpon Thu 13-Feb-14 17:43:52

You made me laugh Drunk about mad psycho stalker smile I'll join you in park with a bottle of something when it stops raining wine

harrap Thu 13-Feb-14 17:43:56

Sorry you are going through this. I've posted about something a bit similar-see if you can find it-might help-might not- but you are not alone.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 13-Feb-14 17:48:21


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