over-awareness of self and own thought processes

[kitnkaboodle]

Can anyone offer any help on this?

I've suffered from this in small doses since I was a child. Get episodes when I am suddenly very away that I am 'trapped' in myself, in my own consciousness. It's almost like feeling that I am just a consciousness, unconnected from the person I see in the mirror. I'm not talking about feeling 'out of body' though. More that I am hyper aware of my own thoughts and consciousness, and feel quite isolated in that way.

I thought I had hit on it when I started reading about depersonalisation/derealisation, but now I don't think that either of those fit. I DON'T feel as if I'm detached from reality, I don't feel like I'm in a dream and I don't feel as if I'm in a play (or everyone else is in a play and I'm the only real one). It's more the opposite - a hyper-real awareness of self, and a consciousness about my consciousness that doesn't seem normal.

I hope I am making sense to someone else out there, as no-one else I've spoken to ever seems to connect with this or 'get it' What's a little scary is that the episodes seem to be getting more frequent and somewhat longer. I can almost always 'snap myself out' of it though - just by doing something mundane or talking to the kids, etc. I wonder if the increase in episodes could be anything to do with the menopause ..? I also read a hint somewhere that this could be somehow connected to OCD, which I sometimes feel as though I'm on the fringes of.

Any ideas welcome

[basia2]

I do understand. I do not know how to help, but I get what you're saying. I am sorry you feel this way. I hope you are able to talk to someone about it.
Hugs.

[MadameLeBean]

I have the opposite, I feel like everybody else has a real centre (self) and I have (am) nothing / a fake. Anyway, my advice would be to seek counselling, perhaps one who is trained in CBT also.

[livingzuid]

Yes the besf thing is to get to your gp and get referred to a specialist. Be sure to not take no for an answer!

[kitnkaboodle]

Thanks - it doesn't actually affect me much in my day-to-day life, thank goodess. Just episodes that come and go and i can snap myself out of. Probably happens a couple of times a day to a mild degree, and then maybe once a week have a slightly more prolonged spell. But always when I am quietly on my own/late at night, etc. Never really happens when I am busy/in the midst of doing something with other people.

I do sometimes worry about getting 'stuck' in that feeling, though.

I was mainly interested to see if anyone else out there 'gets it', or can even name it. I'd also be interested to hear from OCD sufferers to see if they can understand it. I do feel that sometimes I have (thankfully mild) OCD symptoms too - rituals about locking doors/car door, occassional obsessive thoughts.

[kerstina]

I can relate a bit was thinking of starting a similar thread myself.
I have certain times when I am intensely self conscious and aware of my self which I absolutely hate I suppose like an extreme introversion. I am ok if I can loose myself in another activity. I also think it is related to my hormones as I get it worse certain times of the month and think I am in the peri menopause state.
Also I am feeling very numb at the moment not sure how long I have felt like this but I think it might be a way of protecting myself from feeling pain. I can't remember the last time I felt truly alive and felt joy even when nice things are happening. By the same token with a recent tragic event I am not allowing myself to fully grieve. Not sure how I can resolve this it seems to be a consequence of growing older and growing up. I already take a very low dose anti depressant but don't want to block my feelings out anymore.

[kitnkaboodle]

Yes - extreme introversion just about sums it up. You feel trapped in your own self, and almost as if you are disembodied - or just a pair of eyes that is viewing the world. Sounds weirder and weirder as I describe it. But the good thing is that I'm not particularly 'suffering' as such. It's just an episode that I get every now and then. I'm not aware of having any other MH issues and there is no trauma in my life.

I can just worry myself sometimes by wondering what it would be like to be trapped permanently in that frame of mind, and then start to panic a bit. The best cure is just chatting to someone else about daily nonsense, but I spend a fair bit of time alone.

[livingzuid]

Do you think it's like disassociative behaviour? I do this, I detach myself and it's me but not me. Normally when I am stressed or in a bad situation. It's a coping mechanism. I have bipolar but also bpd traits so get treatment for both. The disassociative stuff I see a psychologist for.

It used to happen lots when I was in a bipolar state but now I am on medicine it's much better.

When do you get these periods? What are you thinking of when they happen if you don't mind me asking?

[kitnkaboodle]

hmmm I looked up disassociation, and that may be what it is, tho' I feel that it is more a sense of heightened reality rather than detachment from reality ... but in any case it is definitely a distortion of reality - an overthinking about thinking rather than just letting yourself experience thoughts and emotions in a normal way.

Thinking about it (!) I suppose that it happens to me when I am absorbed in something - say, I don't know, sewing something fiddly, then just when I am coming out of the absorption it's almost as if for a moment I can't remember who I am or what I look like, or what I'm supposed to be doing. After a nanosecond of panic, I can get 'back to me' again. And also often in the middle of the night if I'm awake or walking to the loo I can feel weird and feel like I don't know who I am or where my thoughts are coming from

...perhaps I'm just tired ... maybe that's what triggers it. I would say I'm more tired than stressed most days.

But I would love someone to come on here and say 'oh yes, that's just what happens to me!! I know that feeling!' ... but they never do!

[Sesamestreet14]

I know this thread is old but i have just seen it and cant believe it. For years since i was at least13 i have felt like this exactly!!!like this i have searched evrywhre fr someone who undetstands what i am talking about. I looked at depersonalisation/derealiation but like you its not the same i dont feel outside my body ir in dream but opposite inside i might be washing up and suddenly be aware i am doing it extra aware it comes out of blue and like you if i wake up i sometumes get it go to loo and be aware i am walking to the loo extra aware. Thing is it is scary when it happens panics me sometimes it just goes othet times it stays on and off for days. This us the first time i have seen it in words exactly the way i have it. I used to say"have you ever felt what it is like to be yourself" only way i could put it into words. Its like an rxagerrated sense of awareness but its not nice. I have sufferd anxiety since my mum died when i was 13 and i suspect it is somefng to do with it it is obviously distirted way of thnking but i dont know why i am just so glad that someone has the same as me.....has anyone helped u know the thread is old but at least u dont feel complely mad now. You explain it exactly. I hope somene picks up on this.

[PIGG]

At last.
I know I try and explain this to other people and they just dont get it.
I originally thought everyone was the same as me.
I remember it first began when my dad was having issues.
It feels like my soul is alive in me. That I'm inside of myself.
I feel like yelling 'I'm me!' It often happens more frequently when I'm under a bit of stress. So glad some-one else feels the same way.

[LaydeeVee]

This is pretty much what I have. It can be viewed as a pure-O theme, existential OCD. It kind of fits into DP/DR as well, certainly on the No More Panic forum there's lots of threads in the DP/DR section. Some view it as existential depression. It's awful, you're not worried about a real situation but are plagued by philosophical thoughts going round and round with no resolution.

[noego]

Read The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle. It may help you understand that consciousness is ever present and aware of all that is.

[Letitgo2018]

Hi OP I do feel that this sounds really like dissociation. I have had mild dissociation / detachment feelings and I feel very trapped and preoccupied in myself, yet separate from them also. As if my real, true consciousness is trapped inside myself, and a more sort of basic functional part of me is doing my chores etc, waiting to snap,out of it so I feel fully present again. It's an uncomfortable feeling because you don't feel quite fully present for eg I don't chat much, or laugh, make jokes , or make lists. But at the same time I feel fully aware.
However is it causing you any trouble? And are you ok otherwise?

[noego]

In a different culture this consciousness might be referred to as the Buddha mind. A consciousness that is aware of everything yet not attached to it.

[BTBGYC]

Once again, I know this post is old but I have to reply. I’ve been searching for years and years for someone anyone, who would understand how I felt and I had literally come to the conclusion that my Brain is irregular and I’m just always going to be that hyper aware person that no one will understand, this strand of messages really has been so reassuring and empowering. Since i was 12 years old I’ve suffered from episodes of hyper-awareness that left me so distressed I could barely function day to day - it’s like a never ending cycle. It started with Hyper awareness of bodily sensations (blinking, parts of body) then moved onto generalised anxiety disorder then left me alone for a while but does continue to effect me across various times in my life. I’m currently going through a bad period of it and it’s pretty much as has been discussed, hyper awarnesss of my own consciousness and thoughts which can be quite invasive and makes it hard to get through the day sometimes. My emphasis has always been upon trying to foster a high level of control and simply ‘stop’ this awareness at all costs but after reading into the issue, it seems that acceptance may be a more effective way of dealing with it as hard as it can be, I can never imagine ever accepting this thing I’ve always considered so awful in my life! Overall, know you are certainly not alone, it’s such an empowering feeling to finally discover this, soldier on!

[Cuckooiamnot]

BTBGYC do not despair!!! I have been a sufferer of hyper awareness of my own consciousness and the very process of thinking with no particular content for the last few years. I have struggled so much with it putting it down to anxiety and trying to accept it. It has come and gone but a recent relapse this xmas made me break the rules and look for an answer further. I am so glad I did because I found it!!! It is a form of OCD AND way more common than we think. Jon Hershey talks all about it on his blog and I finally understand it now. Search in Google 'understanding hyper awareness anxiety' he has a book on it and how to deal with it too. I think if I hadn't have found this I would have never found the answer and continued to feel depressed and stuck in the lonely world of my hyper aware mind forever. I hope you find the blog but just search Jon Hershey hyper awareness and I'm sure you'll find it. Good luck...it has changed my life just reading the diagnosis and realising we are actually NOT alone!!!! People put it down to anxiety when you try to explain it. They say stop thinking about it or just let it go but any sufferer of this will know that's impossible and he validates that. There is a way of changing it there really is! Let me know how you go with it. Fingers crossed this diagnosis brings you inner peace like it has me 😊

[BTBGYC]

Absolutely brilliant, thank you! I will look that up right now. Just the reassurance of having others who understand is an incredibley powerful feeling, thank you cuckooiamnot!

[BTBGYC]

Would you mind sending me the link to the blog and book details? I cannot find it anywhere! Would make a world of difference, thank you!

[Cuckooiamnot]

Sure.
www.ocdbaltimore.com/navigating-hyperawareness-obsessions/
Trust me you're not alone. I struggle with this so much and have gone through depression because of it. I was making the same assumption as you that my brain was defected but it's a really common problem that just isn't understood enough! There are lots of explanations for people who think and obsess about breathing or blinking etc but not for us who are merely just aware of being aware! He nails it on the head for me. I hope you get something from it like I did. The book link is on tgere I think but it's called everyday mindfulness for OCD and you can get it on eBay.

[BTBGYC]

Amazing! Thank you so much, this is such powerful stuff! Seriously, no doctors or psychologists I've ever been to have ever understood it, just knowing it is recognised is incredible. Thank you once again, this is great :) We got this!

[Cuckooiamnot]

I know it's madness that they're not trained in the simplest of stuff. I'm the same...every Dr or psychologist I've ever tried to explain it too just says well.ive never heard of that before. Wasted months of analysing myself and why I felt like tgat could have been saved if I'd have just known it was a real condition and not me going absolutely mad because as you'll know tgats exactly how it feels. There is no content to explain the feeling! I'm not afraid of it anymore. The perception of it has completely changed for me now. I hope your life changes too now you've found this. Good luck x

[inhmr1]

hi i can relate. it’s not detachment nor an out of the body experience. yes its like ur hyper aware that youre aware. like youre a camera. seeing the world from your perspective, like these people are either here to exist for u and ur here to exist for them. none of my peers get it and if i further explain, i sound a bit crazy. episodes DO come and go. im not sure what to call it. i dont know if science has a term for it.

[noego]

@inhmr1

Perhaps it isn't scientific. Does it harm you?

[Clc70]

I am so relieved to read this . I get this like I am constantly watching myself . Say I need to go to the toilet then instead of just going I’m thinking of going and watching myself all the time . This makes me more and more anxious . Can any of you relate to this ?