I need help/ some-one to talk to

[Katkins1]

That's it really.

Having a tough time. Single Mum , PTSD, final year of uni. Had a big fall out with my classmates, now no-one talking to me. It's all my fault, and all to do with triggers. Grandfather died Jan 1st. Have counselling, but had to cancel recent session because of childcare.

Was reading today, and kept having thoughts of self-harm. I've not had any flash backs for a while. Sat here crying. I need help, I know I do, but I don't know what to do. I think it's grief; but I don't know.

[Wolfiefan]

So sorry to hear you are suffering. (I'm going to try and sleep soon so forgive me if I disappear!)Are you on any meds? Do you have a GP or other health professional who could help? Any other RL support? Are you alone at the moment?

[Katkins1]

I'm not on meds. Its not something I'd consider, having had them in the past. I've a long history of MH issues, by rights, this is 'better'.

Yeah. On my own. Was meant to be doing uni work, but gave up on it.

[Wolfiefan]

It might be better but it is not right is it? Perhaps a different combination of treatment? Meds/counselling?

[Katkins1]

No, its not right, I know. I'm wondering if its final year pressure, or something else entirely. I'm not a fan of meds, but have been thinking a change in counsellor. At the minute I can't really talk though. I feel as though all of my words get stuck.

[LastingLight]

Can you write your feelings down Katkins1? You can give that to the counsellor to read. Single mum, PTSD, final year of uni, grandfather died - no wonder you are taking strain. Be kind to yourself.

[Wolfiefan]

How are you feeling this morning OP?

[Katkins1]

Hi. Thank you so much for your replies, and for asking. I feel less alone knowing there are people out there who would take the time to do that.

I feel a bit better. Still really tearful, but my flat is an absolute tip so I set aside a day to sort it all out, have a bath after and then order takeaway probably. I've sorted one room, am just doing it in bits and pieces because there's so much of it. DD has new curtains, so put those up and I've got some new storage units coming for her later. So, putting those together will be a task, I'm sure. Sorted out her toys, and put up some fairy lights from the lounge she wanted, too. My room, kitchen, bathroom, lounge, all need organising, vacuuming, dusting, doors wiping down etc.

I think when I have some of that sorted, I will feel more organised. Lastinglight, I'm a writer alongside my studies. That's my actual job where I get some publications and p/t workshops occasionally. I keep a blog, and seek out some support from my writer friends. I e-mailed one last night, because all I kept doing was crying, and said I'm rubbish at asking for support, but can I ask for some please? I just said I don't know what I need. Just a friend, that's all.

I think that's what it comes down to. Needing a friend. I still really feel like crying all of the time, and I do wonder if that's grief. It's hard to unravel, because having PTSD complicates an already complicated situation. I was only diagnosed in May.

[skyninja]

How horrible to feel like this, and it sounds as if anyone would be under a massive amount of pressure after the things you've been through emotionally. However, if you've had previous MH issues you are possibly more susceptible.

I would consider another visit to the GP though, the tears could be grief but when I had ante-natal depression all I did was cry. And don't discount meds, they are not always the answer but they could be helpful in getting you in to a better place in which to deal with the PTSD and grief.

[Katkins1]

I am scared though, that they will decide I'm too ill to carry on with University, and I'm so close to the finish now. Or if they call social services and take my DD away because of the state of my flat (all needs redecorating, its horrible, no matter how much I clean). I don't want that to happen.

[Wolfiefan]

No one will take your child away because your place needs decorating. Surely they can't make you quit university either. You sound like you have done loads today. Well done. I hope you get RL support too. Xx

[Katkins1]

I don't think they would make me quit, because when I work, my results are good! I think maybe I work too much.

My friend just phoned me and said I should go to hers tomorrow for the afternoon instead of staying in.