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Married to a Sociopath Husband

(24 Posts)
10152530 Tue 04-Feb-14 23:14:52

Anyone out there living or has lived with a sociopath,
Are you married to one or have divorced one, I have been married for 17 years and been fighting to understand his behaviour.. Thanks to Mumsnet members who read my story and knew straightaway how to classify the person I've known for 17 years.
I obviously googled sociopath and he ticked all the boxes.
It's been very hard for past 13 years. Thank you

10152530 Wed 05-Feb-14 06:24:09

What effects will it have on our children?
How easy to get out of this marriage?
I never thought of not allowing access to the kids should we divorce but after reading about sociopaths behaviour, I am pretty sure that husband will brain wash the kids and turn them against me by telling lies & twisting stories. I am so worried

scottishmummy Wed 05-Feb-14 06:47:13

I'm afraid using google and mumsnet opinion to diagnose is useless,unreliable
No one on mn can reliably or safely diagnose your dh or give you safe advice
A psychiatrist can assess and diagnose after face to face assessment

I wouldn't take any real life action based on mn opinion.id seek real life support and help

Step back from google

Many on mumsnet diagnose online,making big definitive statements,well that's wrong and it's no better than asking stranger at a bus stop in most cases

10152530 Wed 05-Feb-14 10:16:21

Hi scotishmummy
Thank you for posting... I understand the advice you are giving me. I am the one living & working with him... I don't think all the articles from doctors, psychiatrists describing the symptoms of a sociopath are wrong as if so, please send me a link to the genuine one and I will check it out.
I can assure you that based on my husband's behaviour with me personally and with the others and only me knows very well what he did, as said he fitted perfectly within that category of being a sociopath.
Not sure what's your position on this, do you live with one yourself, are you a therapist, a psychotherapist....
Look I have tried everything with him, I have advised him to speak to s.one to explain some of his behaviour but all I get was rejection and I am the Sick one needing great help...
If I give you just few examples of his lack of remorse, shame & guilt you'll be writing a book about my life story. Thank you

10152530 Wed 05-Feb-14 10:16:41

Hi scotishmummy
Thank you for posting... I understand the advice you are giving me. I am the one living & working with him... I don't think all the articles from doctors, psychiatrists describing the symptoms of a sociopath are wrong as if so, please send me a link to the genuine one and I will check it out.
I can assure you that based on my husband's behaviour with me personally and with the others and only me knows very well what he did, as said he fitted perfectly within that category of being a sociopath.
Not sure what's your position on this, do you live with one yourself, are you a therapist, a psychotherapist....
Look I have tried everything with him, I have advised him to speak to s.one to explain some of his behaviour but all I get was rejection and I am the Sick one needing great help...
If I give you just few examples of his lack of remorse, shame & guilt you'll be writing a book about my life story. Thank you

Linoge Wed 05-Feb-14 10:35:47

I was married with a psychopath (or sociopath). He was seen by psychiatrist and psychologist who both told me that he is a psychopath.
His behaviour was so outrageous that I moved away after one year of marriage. He was violent and very manipulating. He was really charming and we got married within three months. I thought I had hit a jackpot there. The truth came out very soon after we got married.

He tried to visit psychologist but ended up arguing with her. We tried couple therapy but that just made him angry at me back home.

gamerchick Wed 05-Feb-14 10:43:06

the only thing you can do with a person like that is to run away as fast as you can.

My ex I could write a book on... his latest stunt was to con money out of his partner under the guise of visiting our daughter in hospital.

He lied so he could go out on the lash instead.. he needed money and just feels no shame about it whatsover.

they are not easy to get rid of, but you quickly realise how hard life was before when you finally manage it.

Bonsoir Wed 05-Feb-14 10:49:07

It's all very well to say that only a clinician can make a reliable diagnosis but people in relationships with sociopaths are not usually in a position to get a clinician to confirm their suspicions.

So you need to be pragmatic.

10152530 Wed 05-Feb-14 11:06:53

Thank you for your support, same with me, known him for 9 months, he was charming & sweet talking... He asked me out, he asked me to marry him and now he's saying that I begged him to marry mehmm
When we purchased the business, I put more cash in plus c/c & loans.. He only put c/c & loans and he is been saying that I forced myself in the business and should be his PA/secretary full stop...
I took him counselling with me on many occasions, he is now saying nothing wrong with him but every therapist confirmed that I am the sick one...
I never win with him, he is never ever wrong and when it's the obvious of the obvious like sleeping with my own sister when she was 18 (7years ago), his comment was he never intended to hurt my feelings and God will forgive him coz it wasn't his intentions... So sad & sick

Do you actually need a label to decide whether or not to stay in this marriage?

I agree with scottishmummy that it is very dangerous to diagnose physical, mental or emotional disorders using only Dr Google and the opinions of strangers online. Of course there are people on here who may recognise traits or symptoms that a poster describes, and may well be right when attributing these to a particular disorder, but such opinions should always be followed with the advice to seek the opinion of a real-life expert - doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, counsellor etc.

But I don't think that is the issue here. Whether or not this man is a sociopath is irrelevant, if he is making you unhappy, gaslighting you (by lying about things he said or changing history etc), and it doesn't sound as if there is anything positive left in the marriage for you - and it is on that basis that you need to examine things and decide if you want to stay or go.

My heart goes out to you - it sounds like a horrible situation, and I hope that you can find a resolution that makes you happy, and enables you to lead a fulfilling life. The bottom line is that you have every right to put yourself first.

devilinside Wed 05-Feb-14 12:53:04

One tiny flaw in that argument though, most sociopaths don't see themselves as being the problem so would be unlikely to seek professional help. Often the only way, is to work it out for yourself and get the hell out.

10152530 Wed 05-Feb-14 13:16:15

Yes, I am getting advice and trying to discuss things with him to live apart and seek what's best for the kids... He will never go to see any of the professionals Sdt...genius suggested, I think you should read my life story posted last week on relationships... Help me understand my husband. Thank you

10152530 Wed 05-Feb-14 13:23:33

Thank you Sdt...genius, believe me, I have tried very hard to work things out while putting up with so much from him, Manipulation, lies, adultery, physical abuse, bullying.... As you said, not only I am not happy but I am so sad to have lived 17 years of marriage with 13 of them so unhappy... Have 3 kids to bring up and I need to be happy, content, confident for them and me obviously.

scottishmummy Wed 05-Feb-14 16:43:30

Sorry to read you've had difficulties with this man
Mn can empathise but No one on mn can diagnose
do seek real life support and I hope things feel safer/better.

scottishmummy Wed 05-Feb-14 16:48:38

I won't be sending links,or research or discussing potential diagnosis
As no one can diagnose online.its unsafe it's irresponsible

Sillylass79 Wed 05-Feb-14 17:21:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenBehavingBadly Wed 05-Feb-14 18:47:09

Sociopath or not, your DH sounds like a manipulative and unpleasant man. Your best way to deal with this is to get very good legal advice to protect yourself financially and with regards to your business and to put secure steps in place to get out if your marriage.

Don't start thinking now about whether the DCs should see him. Pick your battles once you are settled and secure away from the marriage. If he is manipulative, you'd be handing him your well being on a plate if you start off with that.

Asking how hard it will be to leave etc. is like "how long is a piece of string" and that's the same with anyone leaving a relationship.

JenBehavingBadly Wed 05-Feb-14 18:48:08

Also, and I've said this before; it takes about 13 years to become a consultant psychiatrist, and even then they wouldn't diagnose over the internet.

10152530 Wed 05-Feb-14 22:22:45

At the end of the day, I am the one who put up with him and his behaviour for 13 years, I know him well enough to classify him as a sociopath... The decision to leave him has been there for many years but it's never been the right time and I thought living under the same roof pretending husband & wife in the eyes if the kids is probably the short term solution but his disrespect and appalling behaviour are no longer acceptable.

pictish Thu 06-Feb-14 07:39:12

Just a quick post.
I think people can get a good idea of what is going on by reading up on things on the net.
I worked out my father is a narcissist by these means, and I do not need an official diagnosis from psychologist to confirm it. I already know.

Instead of pooh poohing the OP about her 'diagnosis', help her to work out what the fuck to do about him.

I'll be back later to see how she's getting on. x

pictish Thu 06-Feb-14 07:59:22

And this...

It's all very well to say that only a clinician can make a reliable diagnosis but people in relationships with sociopaths are not usually in a position to get a clinician to confirm their suspicions.

Agreed.

Sillylass79 Thu 06-Feb-14 09:21:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pictish - my intention was not to pooh-pooh the OP's diagnosis, and I am truly sorry if it came over that way. What I was trying to say was that the label matters less than the reality of her life - and if that reality is making her as unhappy as she sounds on here, she deserves much better and has every right to act to achieve that.

pictish Thu 06-Feb-14 11:40:22

Oh yes SDT I agree.
I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad. My point was probably the same as yours...let's not discuss whether or not it is appropriate for OP to think of her dh as a sociopath...let's discuss how she can get rid of him.

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