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Sat in my car crying and no one to talk to.

(181 Posts)
Messupmum Wed 29-Jan-14 16:30:46

Just seen GP but I couldn't talk to her, she gave me a months worth of meds and I was in there 5mins.
My therapy that I waited a year for has been cancelled until further notice.
I rang the cmht but no one was there who could speak to me.
Friends and family make things worse or don't know what to do.
I want to ring hv or day hospital but I'm not under their care anymore.
I'm sat near a busy road and all I want to do is run out into it.
I'm broken and can't be fixed.

olcote Wed 29-Jan-14 16:48:46

Messupmum, I don't know what has caused you to feel this way, but presumably you have kids, please please think of them; they need you, whatever is going on they need you. The way you are feeling won't go on forever, it's just now, so please don't do anything rash. It can be very hard for friends and family to know how to help, sometimes we don't even know ourselves how they can help, but if they are willing to help, please please let them, don't push them away. Are you starting to take anti-depressants, or was this just a repeat prescription? If you are new to them, they are going to take a while to work, you will need to accept that they are not a quick fix, they need a few weeks at least. But then you will start to feel better, it may be the smallest thing at first but it'll happen. If you seriously feel that you are in danger from yourself, you owe it to yourself and your kids to get to hospital, or go back to your doctors surgery and ask to see someone else as a matter of urgency. Best of luck to you.

Messupmum Wed 29-Jan-14 16:51:27

I've been like this for so long I don't think it'll ever get better. No one listens to me anymore as they're used to me being a failure and pathetic. I had to post here as there's no one. If I go back into the surgery, everyone will stare at me.

LastingLight Wed 29-Jan-14 17:19:45

If they stare at you, so what. You need help, and if there is nobody to assist you in getting it then you will have to advocate for yourself. It's hard, I know it's hard, I've been there where I would drive on the highway and just want to crash my car into a wall. Could you not talk to your gp because she was in a rush, or because you didn't feel able to? Go back, write her a letter if necessary so that you don't have to speak. Harrass cmht, they must help you. You are not a failure and pathetic for being ill. You wouldn't feel that way if you had diabetes or a broken leg would you? Don't harm yourself. Don't do that to your children. Feelings are not reality, and this can get better.

Messupmum Wed 29-Jan-14 20:21:37

I managed to drive home and make a cup of tea. I'm regretting not waiting for a lorry to pass and just walking out. I've always thought I wouldn't do it in that kind of way before, to involve a stranger, but I was there and the urges were so strong and now I can't get it out of my head.

I thought I was having a couple of ok days, but this always happens, it all comes crashing down. Now I'm in that 'zone', I feel detached, in my own world, and nothing seems to matter anymore.

paxtecum Wed 29-Jan-14 20:38:41

OP: I wish you well.
Can you contact the Samaritans?

Are you on your own or do you have DCs with you?

Don't worry about the stares at the surgery.
Are you able to sleep at night?

Sorry, I've asked lots of questions.

Please keep going.

missmagnum Wed 29-Jan-14 20:46:44

Perhaps a&e is an option if you feel you need help right now, you can ask to see the mental health team and they may put crisis care in place, where they will visit you daily and make the necessary referrals.

I hope these feelings pass and you're able to get some proper help soon. Another avenue could be your local MIND, they can sometimes help with counselling. Google your local branch and ring them if you're able but you can usually email too.

Messupmum Wed 29-Jan-14 21:50:26

What is proper help though? I feel I'm a waste of their time as have tried different things and have the support of cmht, so there's not much they can do. Not meaning to sound ungrateful, but I don't know what to ask for now. I just think I'm not meant to be here.

I can't do anything tonight, I'm in bed anyway. I feel completely out of it, I can't think about tomorrow, next week or anytime in the near future. It panics me. I can't do this everyday anymore. I'm starting to lose the mask I've always hidden behind, but I don't want everyone knowing.

fluffydressinggown Wed 29-Jan-14 22:18:41

I don't have any words of wisdom but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, I know it seems impossibly hard but you are doing so well to get through every day. x

missmagnum Wed 29-Jan-14 22:20:11

I guess proper help is finding someone who will listen to you and not dismiss you with just medication. My dp went through a terrible time a few years ago, gp and cmht weren't that much help to be honest but finding MIND was a turning point. Its hard to fight for help when you're at your lowest, do you have family or a friend who can fight for you? If not, then perhaps try and email them, sometimes easier than picking up the phone. Just explain how you are feeling and see if you can access their services.

Messupmum Thu 30-Jan-14 10:37:02

I will look into Mind, thank you. I don't know how I'm getting through each day. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, but I just go through the motions like a zombie. I'm so good at faking a smile, I get comments saying I look well. If only they could see my thoughts.

Mrswellyboot Thu 30-Jan-14 10:41:38

I just want help even if I don't know what to say, to listen, we are here for you xxxx

Life can be shit at times.

missmagnum Thu 30-Jan-14 11:08:20 its worth a read through their site even if you don't feel up to contacting them today.

I was thinking about you lots last night, people do care.

Its difficult to see past the mask, my dp was a good faker, so good that people thought I was making it up infact. Do you have anyone irl that you could open up to? Its a big step, but you may find things easier if you have someone, just one person that really knows what is going on inside.

Messupmum Thu 30-Jan-14 11:21:24

I will look into Mind, thank you. I don't know how I'm getting through each day. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, but I just go through the motions like a zombie. I'm so good at faking a smile, I get comments saying I look well. If only they could see my thoughts.

Messupmum Thu 30-Jan-14 11:22:13

Sorry didn't mean to post again.

nilbyname Thu 30-Jan-14 11:25:15

Oh darling, keep posting, offering a hand to hold.

Climb into bed, have a rest.

Things will get better, you won't think it will, but it will.

silvermirror Thu 30-Jan-14 11:33:22

What about contacting a mental health advacey service.
Do you have a risk relapse assessment care plan?
It really does sound like your not getting the care you need.
A advacey service would help you access the care you need.
I really feel for you when you have vivid suicidal thoughts that just dont fade you defenetly need urgent assessment and care which i know your fighting and pleeding for.

Why has your therapy been cancelled until further notice?

I urge you to keep writing your thoughts here as i for one is listening and i think you write wonderfully articulate one day you could put this exeperience onto a book my mumnet memos or something i think your amazing and just wished you would get the help you deserve. Keep strong messedupmum keep fighting you can beat this xx

Messupmum Thu 30-Jan-14 14:44:41

I'm meant to be somewhere but I've told some white lies and I'm not there. So no one knows where I am, and it's a quite a nice feeling. I could keep driving and it wouldn't matter. Although I'm so tired, I'm waiting until I can get home and sleep for a bit. But then I thought how nice it would be to just go to sleep and that's it. I'm so exhausted, that thought is so welcoming. Especially as the worst part of going to sleep is waking up.

I'm a bit disappointed that I tried calling the cpn and another support worker yesterday, and have had no calls back. Last time I saw the cpn, I said I'd had a bad day recently, her reply was 'you have those kind of days and thoughts a lot though, don't you?'. So I agreed and just felt stupid.

missmagnum Thu 30-Jan-14 16:34:26

It's rubbish isn't it? We left lots of messages for DP's CPN, which were often ignored, you would think given their line of work they would know how important a phone call back or visit would be. It seems you have to hound them to get anything, but when you're feeling like this, its very hard to find the energy to bother doing that. Please do keep trying.

I hope you manage to get some rest.

Pinkandwhite Thu 30-Jan-14 16:45:42

Hi messupmum, I just wanted to offer another hand to hold. I'm so very sorry you feel as you do. It's unbelievably tough when you feel that way. I think other people's suggestions of contacting mind and the Samaritans are very good ones. Are you in a position to afford to pay for any help from a professional?

I know it doesn't feel like it now but there is a point to you being here and things can get better so much better. Xx

Messupmum Fri 31-Jan-14 14:28:57

Kept trying to post last night but it kept disappearing. Feeling scared about everything, even stupid things like having to get up in the morning or doing the school run. I feel everyone hates me, I don't feel close to anyone. I want someone to say they'll look after dd so I can succumb to the urges. Carrying on as normal is so hard right now.

PeterParkerSays Fri 31-Jan-14 14:40:51

Have you been able to get through to the CPN as yet?

Have a read of this blog, written by a woman on 36 whose mother died when she was 18, to understand why your DD needs to to run from those urges.

You have some positives - you have the IT ability to use the internet, you got your DD to school, you got up this morning. These are all positives.

Pinkandwhite Fri 31-Jan-14 15:09:47

I wondered where you'd gone. How annoying that you couldn't post. Well done for getting up and doing the school run even though you felt scared.

This may well be a dum question (massive apologies if so) but are there any times when you feel better? Or is there anything at all tha you can think of that changes things for the better even a tiny amount?

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly to keep on going. Please don't stop.

Messupmum Fri 31-Jan-14 17:23:15

God I'm really struggling, sat crying while dd's watching a film, hoping she doesn't notice. Didn't manage to speak to the cpn in the end.

I suppose there are times I don't feel like ending it, but it's taken over my life really, every waking hour. I even dream about it sometimes. I guess I just feel there's no point in living if it's a constant struggle and I'm just a burden and bring others down.

Pinkandwhite Sat 01-Feb-14 01:25:31

I'm sorry I've been out all day and have only just seen this.

I feel so sad for you knowing you were there crying like that.

I know you won't believe me but I'd bet good money that there are plenty of people who would never think of you as a burden or would think you bring them down. I bet your daughter is one of those people. I bet you do so much for her.

Do you mind me asking how long you've felt this way? I'm just wondering if there was any kind of trigger for you at all... Xx

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