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What is the difference between normal sadness and depression?

(15 Posts)
BibiBebe Wed 22-Jan-14 21:38:33

Thanks violator...that makes a lot of sense. I did feel like I was going on auto pilot until the past two weeks and I don't know quite what I wan to say or share. It's all a bit blank still.

WithanAnotE....thanks...I'll try not to feel like a performing monkey. I do get comfort from the sessions with her. She's very warm. What we mostly talk about is him and why he did it and what he wants now.

I suppose I have been so shocked that you can't really begin the grieving or thinking when you still haven't really worked out what's happened and why

WithanAnotE Wed 22-Jan-14 21:25:13

"I am having counselling. For some reason I can't seem to get anywhere with it because I put on a front with her. No idea why. Just feel like she would be disappointed that I wasn't working on it hard enough."

Also very normal too, and your therapist will know this.

BTW, they are there for you so they won't be "disappointed" that you aren't "working hard enough". They also know how hard it is for you.

It isn't about impressing them, it's about them helping you.

It feels really odd I know, and you are doing great, so just go with the flow and say and do what you feel like saying. There is no right or wrong, and you will do it at your own pace.

newyearhere Wed 22-Jan-14 21:24:24

X-post about the counselling - sorry!

violator Wed 22-Jan-14 21:20:14

BibiBebe not so long ago I attended a lecture with a psychiatrist.

She said that when something terrible happens on a big scale, like a school shooting, the reports always mention that "counselling has been arranged for the parents."

She said it's been proven that counselling at that point is pretty useless. It's too soon after the event, and we need time ourselves to process a certain amount of what's happened.

It's no harm to continue with the counselling, but you may find you get a lot more out of it when you've processed things in your own head first.

newyearhere Wed 22-Jan-14 21:10:23

Would it help to see a counsellor do you think? It won't change what's happened but could be beneficial just to talk about it all and have the support.

BibiBebe Wed 22-Jan-14 21:09:47

I mean fired by my clients...not by myself!

BibiBebe Wed 22-Jan-14 21:06:35

Thanks. I am having counselling. For some reason I can't seem to get anywhere with it because I put on a front with her. No idea why. Just feel like she would be disappointed that I wasn't working on it hard enough.

Whenever I talk to her I just don't feel anything. No crying or anything so there's no big breakthrough moment like on the films. I just agree with her practical stuff like taking a walk and showering every day but then I never actually follow through. I don't think I am being honest with her really. I used to be really open before this but now find it hard to be honest with anyone. I've gone into myself a bit and don't really see the point of bothering.

I get lots of time away from the kids, they are at school and my ex and our families have been taking them a lot, but when they are here I know I am ignoring them. I work from home, so I am worried I am going to get fired. I am running out of excuses. I can't get signed off sick because I am self employed.

I know working hard, going out, making myself look nice and having exercise are all the things I should do, but just can't do it.

My little boy told me I was not the same and he preferred being at Granny's house now and asked if he could live with her. I felt like dying but can't seem to pull myself together even though I know I am letting them down. I just don't feel anything. Don't seem to get joy out of them or look forward to anything.

If it's normal for a few weeks more then I can live with it. Was just worried that it might be abnormal. I feel very guilty about all this. I never talk to people anymore.

My ex wants to get back together, but I don't even feel anything about that although it was all I wanted for the first six weeks. Now I just feel like that is pointless and hopeless too.

I am glad it's normal though. I don't really fancy anti depressants and all that malarkey.

LowLevelWhinging Wed 22-Jan-14 20:48:16

you have described classic symptoms of depression, which, as everyone else has said, is a perfectly natural reaction to your loss.

but in a way, it doesn't matter what caused it; if it is affecting your functioning and you find it distressing, you can speak to your GP about getting some help with it - medication and/or talking therapies.

WithanAnotE Wed 22-Jan-14 20:44:37

Sorry, enabled link -

WithanAnotE Wed 22-Jan-14 20:42:58

You are rightly experiencing a loss.
Depression is one of the normal stages in dealing with a loss.

A quick oversight link-

However, if you can, and you feel you need it, ask for help.

Your GP can help, particularly with regard to loss/bereavement counseling.

Depression in your circumstances is normal.
However, if it becomes lengthy, by which I do NOT mean longer that usually attested to 2 weeks - I mean several months, do see your GP.

Loss or grief is recognised to go through a depressive stage. It is when someone doesn't progress to the other stages that it might be a cause for further help being required.

NanaNina Wed 22-Jan-14 20:40:36

Yes I too think you are going through a bereavement process (and that's any loss of course) not just death. Sometimes people in your situation say that death of the partner would have been less painful.

You seem to be (and I am no medic) to be describing the symptoms of mild depression. Is it possible for you to get some bereavement counselling, or are you too "raw" for that........and you would probably have to pay and a good therapist will charge around £50 per hour.

I agree that you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to be feeling the way you are - it's very natural but I also think that if the way you are feeling continues for several more weeks I think you might be wise to see your GP - they can refer you for counselling but this is usually CBT (you can google it if you haven't heard of it) and you usually get 6 sessions but there is often a waiting list. Also they may ask if you want an AD - and these can be very effective and it may be that a small dose would help, although the general theory I think is that ADs are most effective in moderate to severe depression.

Does the children's father have them for weekends - or do you get time away from them during the week. I'm just wondering if you could have some time for yourself, maybe do some yoga or swim, or just a walk without having to worry about the children. Do you have friends and family in whom you can confide, as it can help to share your feelings with others, so long as they are good listeners and can understand that it is going to take time for you to recover from your loss. Many people think you "get over" loss in about 3 months but that's just not the case. It takes as long as it takes.............and rather than "getting over" something, I think we carry the feelings within us, but they sort of "shake down" into something more manageable. So your loss might feel like a football in your tummy now, but over time it will shrink to a small ball and eventually a golf ball or ping pong ball!!

BibiBebe Wed 22-Jan-14 20:01:57

ok, thanks

violator Wed 22-Jan-14 19:46:15

Be kind to yourself, you've had a horrible thing happen to you. The worst thing you can do now is be hard on yourself. You're not a bad mother and your reaction to what has happened is perfectly normal.

GotMyGoat Wed 22-Jan-14 19:39:32

You are in a grieving period - I think depression is a normal part of this process, so be kind to yourself.

BibiBebe Wed 22-Jan-14 19:38:28

Not sure if I am depressed or not. I am not feeling myself.

My husband left me and since then I have gone through the full range of emotions but just wanted to see if I have crossed over from normal grieving to being depressed.

Trouble sleeping. Either can't get to sleep or wake up at 5am
Feel really lethargic
Don't feel like talking to anyone or going anywhere
Can't work or concentrate
Don't much want to eat

All I seem to do all day is browse the internet. I didn't even get dressed today. Finding it impossible to connect or play with my kids. Feel like a bad mother.

I just feel really lost. I know that's normal, but am worrying that I can't seem to snap out of it

It's been 8 weeks.

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