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What if suicide really is the only way out?

(77 Posts)
littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 02:49:22

I don't really expect anyone to be around at this time, not sure why I'm posting other than a vague hope for some kind words, even though I don't deserve them.

I posted a little while ago about paranoia, about feeling like I'm being watched all the time. I saw a GP about this yesterday and she prescribed an additional med to take with my AD, but I can't take them. I read the side-effects, and they're scary. I can't decide if I'm scared of the potential side effects, or if I'm scared that these tablets aren't what they're supposed to be. I was paranoid that the MH team I see were part of whatever is going on, and if they were, so was the GP. I forced myself to see her and I'm more scared than I was before. I keep thinking about the appointment and can't tell if I'm remembering what happened reliably.

Self harmed last night and it helped a bit, but not enough. Hasn't helped tonight either. Nothing I normally do when I feel low or anxious is helping.

I'm trying to listen to music to distract but lyrics are jumping out at me and I don't feel safe at all. I've changed bands so many times, but even the most upbeat inane poppy rubbish seems to be saying so much. Even fail safe songs that I always go to when I feel low, seem off, like they're malevolent.

The only thought in my head that feels like it's actually right, is of OD'ing. I can't stop thinking of new things to be scared of, there's no end to it. I don't expect anyone to know what to say but I needed to get it out and I can't think of anywhere else that feels safe. Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, my head is pounding.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 03:06:34

Thank you.
If you haven't already, have a look on the moneysavingexpert forum. I've lurked on there for years and the debtfree part of the forum is incredibly supportive and helpful for debt matters.
i think that maybe this has gone on too long now and even if there is another side, there is nothing there for me.

SugarMouse1 Sun 26-Jan-14 02:58:11

Hang in there

I know how you feel, am feeling a bit trapped about debt

Please don't OD, may only make things worse

There is hope, many people come out the other side, try and remember that and people want to help you, this forum demonstrates that.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 02:48:55

Thank you for replying to me, sleep well. I guess by underlying issues, I mean things that could be discussed during therapy. I have anxiety/depression which I'm trying to treat but it's not really working and me being a completely worthless/useless human being is separate to that.

Dromedary Sun 26-Jan-14 02:31:28

It really doesn't sound, from your posts, as though there are no underlying issues. It sounds as though you're unnecessarily afraid of things and poeple around you, and this is restricting your life in a very stressful way. This is something that can be addressed through treatment. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, and hope you can get some rest too.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 02:24:11

Thank you.
I'm glad you're doing better. I have no underlying issues, I'm just useless. My life holds no promise.

anothernumberone Sun 26-Jan-14 02:14:57

Littlegingercat after 2 years of counselling it came to me in a blinding moment of inspiration that there were people in the world who did not fantasise about how they were going kill themselves on a daily basis. Once I realised that it was not normal I finally addressed the underlying issues and moved past them. You can too suicide is not an answer contemplating it is a symptom. Keep trying you can get through this I did not believe I could but I did and honestly I have never looked back.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 02:09:47

Thank you.
Can't use the phone so can't contact Samaritans.
I use the internet booking system and there's only one GP I can see, she has no appointments available and others are all male. I don't think I need A&E, can't go outside on my own anyway because too fucking useless and pathetic. fucking useless can't can't can't, i'm past being sick of myself.

Dromedary Sun 26-Jan-14 01:48:41

Can you try the GP again first thing on Monday? Tell them how bad you're feeling and I'm sure you'll get an earlier appointment. You can see a different GP if necessary.
If it would help to talk to someone now, call the Samaritans, that's what they're there for.
If you're desperate, go to A&E.
The drugs will help - if there are side effects it is worth it if you feel this bad.

littlegingercat Sun 26-Jan-14 01:13:43

Thank you both.
Tried to make a GP appointment yesterday but can't get an appointment for at least two weeks. Not sure if on purpose or if the GP I see is just on holiday/booked up.
Don't know what to do now. I want out.

AngryFeet Fri 24-Jan-14 17:02:57

No I think talking about how you feel is the right thing to do! Asking reassurance from us in the form of questions like "could there be cameras watching me?" Is enabling if we try and reassure as no answer will be the right one.

It is ok to say im not coping/I feel paranoid/depressed etc etc. Keep posting here for support. But you must go to your doctor. Not for reassurance but for help. If you want to get better you need to fight for it. The drugs will make you feel well enough to get the therapy you need to make these changes. You are stuck in a vicious circle right now but you are the only person who can get you out of it. You CAN get better. But you need to push for help and the only way to do that is be 100% honest with your gp and mh team.

dreamingalone Thu 23-Jan-14 22:18:21

I agree with feet too , what have you got to loose being honest? your feeling crap as it is

dreamingalone Thu 23-Jan-14 22:15:15

I know what you mean , I used to worry about consiqueaces but I am happy with the outcome , your not finding it beneficial becAuse you haven't taken it consistently, feel free to pm me , what will convince you to speak to your gp the whole truth x

littlegingercat Thu 23-Jan-14 19:52:49

Thank you all.

AngryFeet, you're probably right about the enabling. I am incredibly reliant on external reassurance and it's probably not a good thing. I need to stop doing it.

Dreaming, I'm glad the sertraline is working for you. I'm on 200mg and I don't find it very beneficial. In the past, I've talked about things and it's never helped. It makes me more anxious because then I'm not only anxious about the initial thing, but I'm also worried about the consequences of talking about it. Stupid, right?

Thank you all for being so kind and helpful. It's helped to make me feel less alone, but I think AngryFeet is right and talking about how I feel is enabling and I need to figure out what to do without leaning on other people.

dreamingalone Thu 23-Jan-14 16:52:00

hI HUN , i am sorry for how your feeling i just wanted to say i am taking setreiline 150mg it does work! if you remember to take it everyday. the list of side effects are rare usualy , i felt abit sick for the first few days then it started wworking but missing days doesnt give it the full chance of working, i know you hate feeling like this. please give the tablets a go the other one they gave. i know your scared of the side effects hun but your thoughts of suicide out way any kind of side effect. you need to be honest with the people who want to help you . you cant live like this forever hun please , i am telling you this fromm experiance , coming out with everything no matter how crazy you think it sounds will be a load of your shoulders and then they really know the best way to help you , you really can be happy but you just have to take these steps. one step at a time. ring the gp and tell them how you feel its easier not face to face i found. or write a letter and drop it in anything. but living like this isnt fair on you . suicide is not the answer. please just tell them everything. you arnt the only one with mental problems they wont judge you . your not well and its not your fault . the doctos just want to help like they want to help anyone else. i remember for me the setreline worked properly when i got on the right dose it can sometimes take a while to know what dose suits you. if you take it consistantly and its not working then they will discuss dosage with you. just contact gp please.

AngryFeet Thu 23-Jan-14 09:29:58

Im sorry you are feeling so bad. But in my honest opinion (and coming from someone who has dealt with severe anxiety) you sound very very unwell and you need help urgently. All we are doing here is enabling you (reassurance is enabling in anxiety disorders). You are not being watched. Your doctors are not against you. You need to find a way to start being honest with the people who are trying to help you. Im sorry you dont have anyone to fight your corner as I think what you need right now is for someone to take over and make decisions for you.

newyearhere Thu 23-Jan-14 09:13:10

> Even if the medication is exactly what it is supposed to be, there are listed side effects of sertraline that worry me and I'm scared of the chemicals that go into making it. It's all doing things to my brain and I don't feel like I'm in control.

There are chemicals in our brain anyway. Sometimes some of them aren't in the right balance. That's where medication comes in. Makes sense to treat chemistry with chemistry. The doctor will have prescribed it to many people before.

littlegingercat Thu 23-Jan-14 00:09:33

I can't talk about why someone is watching me, I'm trying so hard to rationalise it away and if I talk about why it'll just make it all the more plausible.

I cut, mostly. Sometimes I take small overdoses. I have countless scars and if I'm honest, they don't really bother me. I'm always cold so I'm fine with wearing long sleeves all the time. I've SH'ed for a very long time and it's the only thing that really helps me cope.

Talking to the cameras would be very very unsafe. They know that I know (because I told the GP) but goading them would not be good. I'm not meaning to dismiss ideas, and they're all really rational and sensible, but this isn't a rational situation.

Thank you both.

Ehhn Wed 22-Jan-14 23:51:46

Good thinking about the medicine - if you can identify that sort of disordered thinking, it's showing that you have some objectivity about the situation - this is great progress, so keep reinforcing it to yourself. This is healthy thinking!
I find it helps to see the black humour in the situation (like the irony you've observed in the pills/chemicals/OD situation). Similarly, with the idea of cameras, could you consider playing up to the fact that you think they are there? Talking to them like you are in the diary room of Big Brother? Deliberately waving/mocking? Sticking two fingers up at them? If rationalising it doesn't help (and in the grip of MH issues I know it can be really hard to do so), then finding a way to make the scary thoughts less scary might mitigate some of the more intense intrusive thoughts?

Sorry lots of suggestions and they may not work for you, just stuff that I've worked on myself and it worked for me... But we are all individuals and our minds are so complex that each case is unique.

I'm Going to bed now but I hope you manage to get some rest. Thinking of you.

CheeseandGherkins Wed 22-Jan-14 23:22:56

I don't read the side effects leaflet usually, worries me otherwise, I know the important ones but I don't read the whole thing.

Why would someone be watching you? Keep it real and think, breath.

Don't give up. What are you doing to self harm? I've been a cutter and the scars are not good. Plus, you need to find a healthy way to release the stress and worry.

littlegingercat Wed 22-Jan-14 22:53:58

I'm finding it hard to rationalise the camera fear because I can think of reasons for people to be watching me. I tried typing out why but I can't explain it properly and I'm scared of the consequences.

You're right about the medication not being poisonous (though the listed side effects of the new tablets are still too scary to contemplate), I've taken plenty of overdoses of sertraline before and had no lasting effects, so they must be ok. The placebo effect worries me for a couple of reasons, probably unnecessarily since I don't feel like the sertraline is actually working.

Even if the medication is exactly what it is supposed to be, there are listed side effects of sertraline that worry me and I'm scared of the chemicals that go into making it. It's all doing things to my brain and I don't feel like I'm in control. Ridiculous that I'm thinking these things and at the same time I'm thinking about how much I want to overdose.

I've given up trying not to SH. It's helping a bit and it's reassuring.

Thank you both

CheeseandGherkins Wed 22-Jan-14 22:47:35

Read and cannot run. You are not pathetic or self pitying. Talk, that might help. Talk here and there is usually someone around at every time. Please do that rather than anything else. I know self harm, I have done for years although not recently. It helps but hinders too but it's a release.

Ehhn Wed 22-Jan-14 22:20:26

I have had the same camera fear before, particularly when I lived with my mum. The way I rationalised it was a) why would anyone want to watch me? B) even when I was self harming via binge/purge and if there was someone watching who thought i was the worst person in the world/disgusting/worthless... Well, who cares? At the time that was exactly what I thought of myself anyway. My dirty little secrets were just that - little.

Once I began to realise that the main thing someone would get out of spying on me was a mixture of boredom/mild revulsion, the fog began to lift and I realised that these ideas of people filming me were intrusive, irrational thoughts about cameras.

The same goes for the medicine - the medics' job is to make you better. It is not good for their statistics or their careers if you die and there will be an investigation into their practice. Therefore, it must not be poisonous or harmful to your body. Therefore, it can only be neutral - ie a placebo - or positive, a medicine. Placebos are proven to have a positive effect on mental health as they create a symbolic cure that the mind can attach itself to. Medicine, of course, is always more good than bad (I know there are potential side effects but they are always fewer/less serious than the benefits bring).

I hope this helps in a small way. Keep writing on here as connecting to people can keep you in touch with different ideas about your situation.

littlegingercat Wed 22-Jan-14 22:19:54

Maybe that is what the doctor thought. I don't know any more. I'm so tired of it all.
I haven't even had a bad day, I've done nothing out of the ordinary but it feels like something's just clicked off. I was so angry earlier, so mad that someone thought they had the right to spy on me, and so mad that I have to spend all my time just coping and getting through the day and never actually achieving anything. Now I just feel sad and empty and with a horrible gnawing anxiety.
I am exhausted. I feel like I want to cry but nothing is happening. I'm so sick of myself. I just don't want to do it anymore.

See, self-pitying crap. Sorry. You're all so kind and I am so incredibly pathetic.

StealthPolarBear Wed 22-Jan-14 21:54:44

"If I was a doctor and my patient said they were only taking their medication when they could manage it, I'd say something at least, I wouldn't just nod and smile a bit."
It depends I suppose. The doctor may have thought it was good you were taking them at all and not wanted to push you further.
I'm sorry you've had a bad day sad Tell us about it - be as self-pitying as you need to be.

newyearhere Wed 22-Jan-14 21:43:40


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