I can't hold on anymore

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

I am so fed up of everything and don't know what to do anymore
I have complex ptsd due to sexual abuse, have horrendous nightmares and flashbacks, can't sleep properly, self harm and a whole host of other shit to deal with.
Today has pushed me over the edge. dd2 is 4 months, she's teething and being a general nightmare, dd1 is 4 going on 14, I can't cope with it anymore. I have cut today, now I just want to take all the pills in the house and fall asleep. I don't know what to do anymore

[morethanpotatoprints]

Cuppa

so sorry it is all happening atm, I have no wisdom or advice but will listen, and i'm sure others are on their way.

[selfdestructivelady]

Please please don't take those pills call crisis or the Samaritans I've been sexually abused too pm if you want to talk about it privately. I know it's hard today but hopefully tomorrow will be better. I sh as we'll but I'm currently 4 weeks sh free because my little sis was copying me.

[PistolAnnies]

Hey babe,

Hope you're okay? Are you currently on medication and do you have a partner around you, or maybe a good friend you could talk to? x x

[SancerreMerlot]

1.Have you a friend that could come round and look after the children for the evening?

1. Ring the Samaritans now and talk and talk and talk.
2. You can do it Cuppa, you can get through today minute by minute. Focus on anything, breathing, a spot on the wall and just rest for a bit.
3. You're children need you, don't do anything you can't undo.
4. We are all here, thousands of us on Mumsnet. An army of woman who can hold you up till you get stronger, use us. We can listen and support you through this.

xxx

[paxtecum]

Cuppa; contact the Samaritans.
I wish you well.

Your LOs need you.

x

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

Thankyou all for the responses. Dp is here but I feel like a pain in the backside to him tbh. He is currently trying to settle dd2 so I can go and lie down for a while. Everything just seems such a struggle. The crisis team are useless, there previous advice has been to have a cup of tea why didn't I think of that?! My cpn only comes once a fortnight as that's all she can do, I do understand they're stretched but it feels like I'm a burden.
I just want a rest from it all

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

I can't stop the thoughts, it's too hard. I know that if I took the tablets I could at least have some peace

[PistolAnnies]

Cuppa I'm sorry I've only just seen your last post, are you okay?

Are you undergoinh therapy of any kind at the moment? Are you on medication ? x

[LEMmingaround]

Could you asked to be admitted into a psych ward for a bit? What medication are you on? you know that your children need you don't you - that you will destroy them if you take your own life. You deserve to have a happy family life, you sound like a decent person. I am glad your DH is with you, he sounds nice.

[silvermirror]

Hi cuppa are you o.k ? You havent taken those tablets ?
Its really horrible feeling like you do, if you really cant keep yourself safe then do ring the crisis team, if you feel you need more support from your cpn then request it formally in a letter if you are unhappy with the response you can write a letter of complaint to your authority mental health trust. Look into advacey services in your area they can help ensure your getting the right mental health team.
You have two daughters under five is there a surestart in your area, another great support is homestart.
Raising babiez and infants is really hard work but yr daughters do need their mummy, yuv got to be strong and keep battling on, you can do it. Xx

[mouses]

hi cuppa, you have 2 beautiful kids so young that would be lost without you. its sounds really hard, wish I could magic everything well.

im sending you heaps of courage.... x your brave and strong. keep telling your self this. x

[silvermirror]

As reguards yr PtsD are you recieving any therapy?
Look on the nhs website about ptsd and treatments.
Medication is mirtazapine which helps with sleep anxiety and depression.
X

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

Thankyou all again. I managed a couple of hours sleep with a sleeping tablet, not great but it's better than nothing I suppose.
I take 100mg Quetiapine and 20mg citalopram. I also have diazepam and Temazapam to take if needed. As for therapy, I am on the waiting list, I have been for about a year now. I used to see a counselor but she said I was too complex
Luckily both dds seem in a better mood this morning so hopefully things won't get as bad as yesterday.

[LEMmingaround]

Glad you managed some sleep - being tired just makes everything harder. Can you go and make some noise about bringing some sort of therapy forward?

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

We have tried to cause a fuss about it but the response we get is that it has been mismanaged very helpful! We have even looked into going private but the prices are beyond our reach, unless we didn't pay the rent!

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

God why is everything such an uphill battle. Today was manageable, both dds were being lovely (playing together as much as a 4 year old and 4 month old can) Dp realised something was wrong and has basically waited on me hand and foot, sounds fab. But no, I have to go and ruin it. We were all snuggled up, watching a film then my fucking flashbacks start.
The whole niceness of the day was spoiled by me again. I can't stop crying. Nothing I do is right. They would be better off without me

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

All I want is a rest from it all. Why is that too much to ask

[kohl]

Oh Cuppa, you didn't ruin it, the flashbacks aren't your fault. I am so sorry you're going through this without any real medical help. I can't believe your counsellor said what she did.
Of course you want a rest, you must be exhausted, but pills will just leave your dds without their mum, they need you. What has helped in the past, anything? Do you have a strategy for your flashbacks once they start?
Have you looked at charities that offer counselling/therapy that might be able to give you reduced fee sessions?

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

Thankyou
I have looked at charities but they seem to have the same waiting list and tbh I'd rather not take up the space as someone who needs it more than me should be first. Hopefully whoever that may be will get the help they need before they end up in my state.
The only thing I can do when I feel this bad is wrap myself up in bed but then I feel guilty about all the things I should be doing.

[DancingLady]

Flashbacks are not your fault.

Am horrified a counselor told you you were too complex to have as a client! That's shocking. Keep up the pressure on them. Show your MH worker this thread if need be. Does your DP know how close you are to losing it?

You are not spoiling things for DDs and DP, but you do need help. As someone said upthread, can you be admitted to psych ward? It's a drastic measure but it helped me (was a last resort and saved me) when DD was tiny and we were in a mother & baby unit.

If you are desperate call samaritans, or 999. Please don't let your former abuser win.

[DancingLady]

x-post with kohl.

[kohl]

But you need the help! You deserve the help. Could you call your cpn tomorrow and explain how difficult you're finding things and that you need to access some therapy or some more support asap?

Something I find helpful when I get intrusive thoughts (like your "oh shit, I shouldn't be lying in bed, I should be...washing up, ironing, doing the accounts, shaving the cat" etc) is to forcefully push those thoughts out with other thoughts - simple things like trying to think of an animal/capital city/country for each letter of the alphabet.

In the throes of a flashback, grounding yourself is really important, because your body is freaking out thinking the danger is right there. So putting both feet on the floor, focusing on breathing and opening your eyes and saying aloud what you can see - "I can see the carpet, it's grey. I can feel the sofa, it's bobbly. I can hear the washing machine going. I can see the TV and David Cameron being an arse at Prime Minister's Questions" can help bring you out and into the present.

Your DH sounds great - he obviously loves the bones of you and I'm not surprised, you are being so brave by keeping going, even with all the shit that has happened, and all the triggers you're dealing with.

[SilverStars]

Sorry you are struggling to get support. I too was told by my counsellor I was too complex and had a very long wait do my 12 sessions of counselling!! Can you ask for a referral through the peri- natal mental health system? They often do not accept people with previous mental health history or if under a CMHT already, but worth a try? ( they turned me down, despite a referral).

I like the idea someone else suggested of a home start volunteer - they can come round 2 hours a week. It can help. Have you spoken to your HV, there are often groups on at sure start centres if you live near a biggish one ( mine has 1 thing a week, but next town has things on each day). Also you can ask your HV to refer you for extra support through a children's centre if that would help. Not therapy but extra people to help you through the week??

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

The cpn I see is through the perinatal team but the therapy I am waiting for isn't through them so they have to discharge me as soon as the referral is accepted, something to do with primary and secondary care that I don't understand tbh
I am tired of feeling messed around by them, we have explained numerous times how bad things are but nothing changes.
I will have a look at Homestart, thankyou
I am running on empty tonight, managed an hour then back wide awake after nightmares

[kohl]

Just wondering how you're doing OP, hope you've managed to get some sleep in the last few nights.