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There is no way out for me now.

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

madeuplovesong44 Tue 14-Jan-14 19:25:18

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Sleepybunny Tue 14-Jan-14 19:32:11

You've spiralled off into overwhelming clarity of your entire situation. Time to breathe and just look down at your feet. It's all about one step in front of the other. Life can be very ugly at times, it's not perfect, we are not perfect.
Don't look at the mistakes, look at what you have survived. You have enormous strength. You are the Angel who protects those babies.

Do you have someone you can speak to in RL or offer a break? What's the next step in your treatment?

madeuplovesong44 Tue 14-Jan-14 20:31:58

Thank you sleepy,you sound so very kind.

I am looking at my feet and hoping they will get me through work tomorrow after what is likely to be a sleepless night. I know it doesn't help me to look too far back or too far forward but my failings are overwhelming tonight and my hope is waining. I dream of death, what a wonderful escape it would be. The possibility of never having to listen to the inside of my mind again makes me sweaty with relief. I am not for this world.

I will see my cpn tomorrow and it will be stressful as my 5 year old hears everything and my baby sits still for no one. There is no plan at the moment, they have given up.

KeepNaanAndCurryOn Tue 14-Jan-14 21:54:34

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad at the moment. I don't think you're beyond repair though.

Your children need their mum. Whatever else you've done or not done in your life, you've managed to create to lovely, lovely children who love you unconditionally and always will.

I know how it can feel when you're in such a dark place and nothing really feels right other than giving up, but you can keep going. I hope it goes well with your CPN tomorrow.

madeuplovesong44 Tue 14-Jan-14 22:47:16

I love them so much, is that enough to keep me alive?

Sleepybunny Wed 15-Jan-14 13:34:47

Yes! It's the love for your children and the love they have for you that is the source of your strength.

You sound like a optimistic dreamer that's wandered into a nightmare. It's not to late to turn things around. You need to speak to someone. Mencap, Samaritans, a friend anyone who can just listen to you and help you organize and understand the thoughts in your head.

How are you today?

KeepNaanAndCurryOn Wed 15-Jan-14 21:12:43

Yes. Loving your children is absolutely enough to keep you alive.

Unconditional love is amazing. There are a lot of people who will never experience it, so even if everything else feels like its going wrong, keep hold onto that one.

ConfusedLady8 Wed 15-Jan-14 23:13:54

I have a friend who's Dad committed suicide. Please don't do it. To your kids you are the most wonderful person on earth even if you dont see it. Pleasr call the Samaritans x

madeuplovesong44 Thu 16-Jan-14 00:24:03

I have managed to escape reality today with a few pills and a feigned illness. Given me a bit of space from everything. Of course i cant imagine the devastation i would cause my husband and babies but life is just too hard.

madeuplovesong44 Thu 16-Jan-14 09:18:18

Back on the rollercoaster today, drop kids off, smile, go to work, smile, do housework and dinner, smile, don't eat, pick up kids, smile, run 8 miles, smile some more. My immaculate shell is cracking and the toxicity from within is spilling out. My head is spinning. I need out.

printmeanicephoto Thu 16-Jan-14 09:54:06

ADS? Do you have a faith? God loves you unconditionally.

Your kids need you. X

madeuplovesong44 Thu 16-Jan-14 11:11:29

Faith is mocked in my family. They believe in science, i have always thought the beauty in reality is enough. My reality now is ugly and harsh. I wish there was something more. I know they need me but i need a break. I am on my knees.

AdmiralData Thu 16-Jan-14 23:48:18

Made - I used to think my life was destined to be nothing but pain and suffering. It is easier to take just ONE day at a time. Don't think about what is ahead, or behind. Speak to someone you trust, a gp/friend/counsellor? You have beautiful children. Try to see a good life for your family, they need you.

madeuplovesong44 Fri 17-Jan-14 11:18:09

Another day has passed, when i think i cant take anymore time still marches on. Scared of the weekend, no support to prop me up. I just want some quiet in my head.

KeepNaanAndCurryOn Fri 17-Jan-14 16:00:07

Put your faith in your children and your infinite capacity to love them.

madeuplovesong44 Fri 17-Jan-14 22:24:41

Thanks keepnaan, i am going to try really hard this weekend to enjoy every second of them and leave the mountain of shit in my head to deal with on Monday. I do love them so much. I find evenings hard because i am without them.

CharlieBoo Sat 18-Jan-14 20:59:15

How are you doing? You're doing so well do you know that?! Keep going... Always here if you need to talk x

madeuplovesong44 Sun 19-Jan-14 08:43:14

Struggling a lot. Baby up all night so couldn't take meds. Head is up my arse. Feel so so fat i cant bear to be in my own skin. Taking comfort from my insignificance.

madeuplovesong44 Mon 20-Jan-14 17:30:40

It seems a lot of people are really struggling here. I wonder why now? I have had enough.

paxtecum Mon 20-Jan-14 21:22:06

Love: Don't give up.

RhondaJean Mon 20-Jan-14 21:27:01

This is going to sound trite but when I have been at my lowest the words to this song has got me through.

Don't throw your hand, madeup.

madeuplovesong44 Mon 20-Jan-14 23:10:57

My hand contained more aces than most people dream of and i have pissed them all away. My toxic hands have destroyed my hand. I fold.

madeuplovesong44 Tue 21-Jan-14 18:14:41

I have told my cpn how desperate i feel today, i have laid it out there how weak i am and she cant do anything. There is no help, no hope. I'm going to close my eyes tonight and not wake up. I love my children so dearly, they are amazing but this is too hard. This pain is unbearable.

RhondaJean Tue 21-Jan-14 18:32:03

What did your cpn say exactly?

Can I ask what you are thinking about when you say you aren't going to wake up tonight?

Weakness is human madeup. People are all weak, and all strong. Please keep talking to us.

madeuplovesong44 Tue 21-Jan-14 18:50:09

She said she would see me next week, i am struggling minute by minute she may as well of said see you next year. It feels unmanageable.

i have enough prescription drugs to take and not wake up. I am pretty weak right now already.

Begging for help on here is pathetic, what do i hope to achieve?

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