My marriage is falling apart because of mental illness.

[selfdestructivelady]

I have bipolar 1 and borderline and am currently in the middle of a bad episode I have tried to take my own life recently. But dh has no family and no friends to turn to for support. We cut contact with his highly toxic family. We are both child hood sexual abuse victims. We have three school one disabled.

On the surface our marriage looks great but as hard as I try to make time to do things with dh he is always playing a particular game on his phone which I can't play because he has a android phone and I have a I phone.

We have other games consoles and I try really hard to play on them with him but he just zones into his phone. We spend no time together anymore but he says the online world on his game are his only source of support.

He has also admitted its hard to be around me long as I'm so depressed I can't afford for our marriage to end but at the moment we are just drifting further and further apart no matter how hard I try.

We even argue over contraception that's the only time we communicate is to argue.

[RandomMess]

Have you got a cpn or are you currently receiving any other professional support for you?

[selfdestructivelady]

I was discharged from cpn when I was well so all I have ATM is psychiatrist and open access to crisis.

[LastingLight]

I don't think the problem is just mental illness, it's also your dh's refusal to try and understand and support you. I assume you are being treated and also getting talk therapy? Would couples therapy be an option?

[selfdestructivelady]

I'm not getting therapy ATM but I have in the past but I am on medication. The borderline diagnosis is new the bipolar is not.

[selfdestructivelady]

Couples therapy would be a option but we are very skint ATM.

[RandomMess]

I would ask the crises team or psych or gp or ALL of them for some ongoing support.

You need support and your dh is currently giving it, if you got some emotional support you may be able to start communicatng with your dh differently?

This is a very tough situation.

[LastingLight]

Medication doesn't really help for borderline, you need therapy to help you gain insight into the disorder and how it affects your behaviour and relationship.

[selfdestructivelady]

I have a appointment Tuesday I'll ask about therapy and a cpn then. Thank you.

[SilverStars]

Your dh has the right to request a carer's assessment for himself if you are under a psychiatrist and have MH diagnosis. This can come in many forms, including a small financial amount for him to be able afford something to help him cope. At the assessment they can look at whether he needs additional support and what that can look like, such as NHS couples counselling.

You do not need to pay for him to have counselling, all he has to do is go to his gp and ask to be referred for a short course. For people under Cpn's or psychiatrists it is different but if treated at primary gp level the gp can refer him for a free short course.

[selfdestructivelady]

Thank you I'll get him to ask about a carers assessment.

[livingzuid]

Hi OP sorry things are so hard right now.

I have bipolar and also BPD traits. I see a psychologist to get better for the BPD. It really helps although scary (I had abuse issues as a child too). You should get a referral from your GP but it will I guess take a while for it to come through. It is worth it when it does :)

SilverStars advice is excellent. Your DP needs to get some support for him too.

Could you also look into couples counselling? I would take some advice from your psychiatrist though before you do that as you don't want it impacting on your bipolar or BPD. Sometimes the advice is contrary to what you need to do in BPD therapy.

[livingzuid]

Scary as in for me I did not want to revisit childhood stuff. I am sure it will be fine for you! The therapist and the therapy are not scary!

[selfdestructivelady]

Thanks living glad therapy helped you.

[livingzuid]

It's still going :) but I'm glad I started it. I'm not going to lie, it's not easy and you have to confront things you would rather not but wow does it make a difference. What it has done is help me take back control of my life. When we have bipolar and BPD things can spiral out of control so fast. I like the fact that I am more in control of who I am and what I think/say/do. I recognise the behaviours now and where they stem from, and I am a stronger person than I was before.

For me, it takes away the fear. Strange as I was so scared of going in the first place

And from a purely clinical perspective, it is very interesting when they talk you through what it is and the different classifications of behaviour/personality etc.

You may need a little bit of space as well to process what you want to do. Not separate, but just some headspace for you and him to think about things. The continual arguing will only make the bipolar and BPD worse - the symptoms of the latter are even more exaggerated for me when it's an argumentative atmosphere so I am not sure if you experience that as well?

Hope you get your referral soon.

[livingzuid]

Oh and you must have been told this by your psychiatrist already but stress makes everything worse. Short term coping strategies I have been told are to cut all stress out as far as possible (particularly if you have DCs), get signed off work for a while and work on relaxation. Take some time for you right now.

Your DH has to get help. It's not good to retreat into an online world leaving you with no support. It is super hard on our OHs but there is help there for them. My DH goes to a support group once a month. He got depressed because of my illness, just used to come back from work and turn on the computer and disappear into a game all evening it was awful. Or he was getting sick a lot. Getting outside support was good for him, hard though he found to admit it!

PM me if you want to chat :)

[selfdestructivelady]

Thank you very much.