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Possibly depressed exP any advice?

(5 Posts)
worriedabouthim Sun 12-Jan-14 09:10:29

Hi all,

Have name changed for sensitive subject. I am really hoping that I can get some help or advice here.

My exP and me split up a couple of months ago when our DD was five months old. We had been bickering a little bit, but the split itself came out of the blue, and seems very disproportionate to how things were with us. He was always really affectionate and loving, and he would have done anything for me but he seemed to change very rapidly. He became irritable and angry and seemed to be really uninterested in our family life. He wanted to go out and drink more and more as well. There is categorically not another woman involved.

In the couple of months before he left he was under massive pressure at work and was worried about his position. A couple of weeks before he left he was demoted back to a more junior role. He was worried about money too, the month he left was the first month that we were surviving on his wages and my SMP and things were really really tight. In addition his estranged father had got in touch with him, he spoke briefly about it to me, he was upset but he didn't really say more. I also have PND which I didn't tell him about until after we'd split in the misguided idea that this would save him from more stress. I was paranoid and clingy, and didn't like him doing anything without us.

Since the breakup I have struggled to understand his behaviour, he has literally become a different person. I have been surprised by how angry he has been considering it was his decision to split up. Mutual friends and co workers have also commented upon this and said that it is almost like he just doesn't care anymore. He hasn't spoken to anyone about the split, or any of the things that he has been worried about. Since he left, none of the issues have improved, and he is sleeping on his mum's sofa. I don't know if this is relevant but we had been getting on really well over the last couple of weeks, we had been acting like a couple again, to the point where I actually thought we would be getting back together. He had stayed over a few nights over the festive period in the same bed, with no issues. As a result, when he mentioned not being happy on his mum's sofa I suggested that he move back in for a couple of months, and his reaction was again disproportionate to what I'd said. He literally screamed at me 'I cannot live here with YOU!!!'. Since this conversation he has become fixated on the idea that I hate him and frequently mentions this in texts and in person. His reason for our split is that I'm not the same person he fell in love with, and then more recently he loves me but he's not in love with me. He was in love with me approx three weeks before he left, and his actions since he's left do suggest that he is still in love with me (can't say too much in case I out myself, but I've relayed them to my DM and best friend, both of whom will tell the truth to the point of it being painful and they both have said he clearly still loves me).

Basically, I am really worried about him. I know I could quite easily put his behaviour down to him getting cold feet and being an arse, and I'm honestly not looking for this to be a miracle explanation for why we've split. A few people have said that it sounds like he is depressed himself (unprompted by me, it's something I've only seriously started to think about in the last few days), and I wanted to know if others think that this could be the case, and if so what can I do to help? Is there anything I can do? I've tried to talk to him about his anger issues and he's said he'll speak to someone about that but that's it so far.

I am having CBT for my PND, and have masses of RL support, but he doesn't really have anyone. I am genuinely worried about him.

scottishmummy Sun 12-Jan-14 10:07:26

He's had big significant events,loss of work role,baby,contact with estranged dad
You could ask his mum to accompany him to gp, mum can flag up to go he's potentially depressed
You can suggest he see you know is he seeing a mental health team?

You've got lot going on too,new baby,pnd you must protect yourself
Talk to your mental health worker about what you've written here

He'll need an assessment. I hope this resolves well for you and him

Congratulation on baby btw

violator Sun 12-Jan-14 10:29:28

He's had a lot going on. I do know that partners of women with PND are more likely to go through depression themselves, my DH had a rough time. Like your exP he'd been screwed over at work, was under huge pressure and had been through the milk with me. And a small baby to contend with too.
Have you spoken to his family about it?

violator Sun 12-Jan-14 10:30:00

through the mill, not milk

worriedabouthim Sun 12-Jan-14 10:58:54

I hanemt spoken to anyone about it to be honest. I've been so consumed with trying to convince him to change his mind, and then hating him, that it's something I've only seriously considered over the last day or so. I didn't really want to say anything until I'd got some advice because I was worried that I was just trying to come up with excuses for his behaviour instead of just accepting that it was over. But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I know I can't talk to him about it myself, he just won't listen to me and he'll assume that it is me trying to come up with excuses for the break up.

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