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(12 Posts)
littlegingercat Mon 06-Jan-14 01:11:25

Really hoping my NC worked. Please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'm horribly paranoid right now, scared that I'm being watched, that somehow people have planted cameras in my house or that there are people outside watching me, maybe there's a car parked out of my line of sight that's taking photos of me. That kind of thing. Too scared to get ready for bed in case people can see me.

I watched a TV show earlier and the episode was something that I'd imagined. Not something that would normally happen on that TV show and I've seen every other episode. I have this weird thing that I do where I imagine scenarios based on TV shows that I like, it's a distraction technique and it's preferable to living my actual life, and basically I write my own episode in my head and live it. The episode that I just watched, was MY episode. So now I'm thinking, there are probes in my head somehow and they can see me and hear me too, and this episode was meant as a message that they're watching me.

I have pre-existing MH issues, but nothing like this, so does that make it real? Last week (before this all started) I was thinking about seeing the doctor about the suicidal urges/thoughts I've been having, but what if she's in on it? What if seeing her is the reaction they want? I don't know what to do, how do I tell what is paranoia and what is real?

grandfathersflumpet Tue 07-Jan-14 16:52:36

Just read this and although I don't usually post I didn't want your thread to go unanswered.

I can 100% relate to what you're saying. I have felt this way before, a few year ago now. Seeing meaning and messages in programmes, feeling of being watched etc..

Please please get in touch with your local crisis team or your usual mental health care team, if you have one. Or ring Gp for an urgent appointment.

littlegingercat Tue 07-Jan-14 21:35:13

Thank you for answering me.
I don't have access to the crisis team. I've recently started seeing someone from the CMHT, but I don't trust her in the slightest. We were supposed to have an appointment today but she never showed up. This isn't the first time it's happened (not with this specific person, but with people from this CMHT) but this time it's because they are part of it.
If they're part of it, then so is the GP so I need to figure it out on my own. I don't think I should tell any of them that I'm currently suicidal while this is going on, at least until I've worked out who is part of it and who isn't. I don't really know what I should do for the best.
How did you manage to separate paranoia from reality?

grandfathersflumpet Wed 08-Jan-14 16:19:37

The simple answer is that I couldn't separate paranoia from reality. Even three years on I still don't know if certain things (words said, news stories, tv adverts ) really did happen or not.

I had a psychotic episode back in 2010. Looking back it had been brewing for a while. I was lonely, isolated, moody and severely stressed. I ended up going a few days with very little sleep and then I became utterly convinced that I was being followed, people were trying to kill me, I had foiled a massive nationwide criminal conspiracy and myself and my family were now at risk.

Does any of that ring true for you?

I spent 4 weeks in hospital, (not sectioned) and was convinced that the doctors and nurse were "in on it" too. I didn't know who to trust.

With sleep and medication I started to see that what I was convinced of was probably not true. With a bit more sleep and the love and support of my family I began to trust again.

It took a while, it wasn't easy, but it has never happened again since.

I'm not a doctor, I can't diagnose you, I can only share my experience and hope that it helps.

If no crisis team available You could go to your GP or a&e and tell them how you feel. Please do tell someone. I know you're scared but please please tell someone.

Le1890 Wed 15-Jan-14 02:06:26


I'm sorry you are going through this. I suffer from anxiety but I just wanted to say that my mum experienced hat you are describing.
The same as Grandfathersflumpet, my mum had a psychotic episode and she thought our house was bugged with cameras and that people were watching her and lots of other things. She was terrified and I really feel for you. But the thigs were not true.

She too spent a few weeks in hospital so that the doctors could assess her properly and once she gOt on the iChat meds she was on her way to recovery.

I know you are scared but please like the Op said, or to your gp or A&E xxxx

Elly95 Wed 05-Feb-14 21:42:32

Grandfatherflumpet, anyone, please help, once medication has started how long before seeing improvement. My Ds home from hospital still paranoid and delusional, followed by moments of lucidity and being real. Being visited by crisis team but so hard on family. At wits end hate seeing her like this, love her so much and scared that she will stay like this and not get better. Stupid psych took her off olanzapine in October felt she was doing great and no longer needed to be on it. She was doing great but should never have been taken off and this is the result. She us now back in 15 mg olanzapine and 40 mg citalopram, she varies from knowing she is going to get better to having no hope.

mycatunderstandsme Thu 06-Feb-14 22:22:27

Hi elly. I know what you are going through as my dd spent 6 months in hospital in a psychotic episode last year. She was also on olanzapine after being on an antipsychotic that didn't, work.
If olanzapine has worked before I,m sure it will work again. My dd was in a very bad way. I thought she would be institutionalised for life. Things are still up and down but she is back at school. My dd is changing off olanzapine due to side effects and is definitely not as stable. Olanzapine is a very effective drug.
Just hang in there but I know it's hard. It seems it can take the brain time to recover.

Elly95 Thu 06-Feb-14 23:36:26

Thank you mycat today was slightly better although I know this means nothing yet. It was just a bit better for us although DH seems to be going mad as well. Hoping that this time she can control the side effects she hated the weight gain last time although this time she seems more in control of the eating and too ill right now to think of exercise etc. still saying terrible things and last night I almost believed what she was saying as well. How come your dd spent 6 months in hospital? There were people in her ward who had been in there for that amount of time and more and that added to my terror. I do feel she came out too soon, felt they needed her bed, ward sister said as much. She was in for 4 weeks came out before section period ended. Don't know any more so tired and confused.

marykat2004 Fri 07-Feb-14 07:43:08

A positive step is that you recognise that there is paranoia. My mother suffers paranoia and won't admit that at all, she really believes that every stranger we see on holiday is going to kidnap DD. She is a good writer but won't publish her work because she is afraid someone will steal her ideas. She believes everyone is plotting against her and that her next door neighbour wants to burn her house down.

I get paranoid about social services, people in authority, but they are NOT all "in on" something. There is a good GP out there who you can talk to. If you are not entirely comfortable with your assigned GP, try another at your practise. I finally admitted to suicidal feelings earlier this week, because if I didn't tell someone I may have carried it out. You MUST talk to someone, they are not all in on something. Make it clear you don't have the means to actually kill yourself, and that you love your family and care about them very much and that you want to get well. You can do this.

I can only speak from experience, but so far have not been arrested for telling the GP I felt suicidal. And from what it seems there is no plan of arrest, just someone who is there on the phone if the crisis gets worse. I hope you can talk to someone.

mycatunderstandsme Fri 07-Feb-14 07:53:55

My dd was in an adolescent ward and there was no rush to discharge her. In fact for the last 6 weeks or so she spent 5 days at home and they still kept her bed for the other 2 days. My dd was allowed to deteriorate in hospital. She was not actually that bad when she went in and was a voluntary patient. They kept going with a drug that didn't work for 14 weeks and she was on a tiny dose for ages.
Once they tried the olanzapine she improved quite quickly but she had deteriorated so much it took a while to recover enough to come home.
My dd is not the same girl though and I think it is partly the medication. She gained 2 stone in about a month in hospital but worse than that she was just so dazed and drowsy and her face and voice were different. Even when she went down to 5mg it had the same effect.
She started a different med at Xmas and has had a couple of minor relapses of symptoms which responded to a dose increase. She has had virtually no side effects and lost weight so we hope this will work for the longer term. The psych says olanzapine is much more effective but my dd was too drowsy to stay awake in school which is no life.
I know how you feel re the tiredness. I still feel that way and it is a year since my dd went in.It is like a permanent feeling of stress and anxiety.
Best wishes for a good recovery.

grandfathersflumpet Sun 09-Feb-14 22:32:25

Hope your dd starts to feel better soon.
I deteriorated quickly once I was in hospital. Refused meds, even less sleep, unfamiliar surroundings and patients that frightened me.

After about a week I did take medication (aripirozole) it worked quickly, thank goodness, and I was discharged three weeks later.

To say I didn't rate my hospital care would be an understatement. I was treated like a prisoner or a caged animal. There was no interaction with nurses, no therapy, it was just a case of waiting till the meds worked. Luckily the care once I was home was first class.

The aripirozole worked very quickly and that is a good sign apparently. I also took escitalopram for depression shortly afterwards. Again, it took effect very quickly. (I took sertraline for one day and would never touch the stuff again)

I was given zopiclone (sleeping pill) in hospital. It gave me awful nightmares and a horrible taste in my mouth (which didn't help with the paranoia as I thought I was being poisoned hmm)

Hope the OP is ok. Have been wondering and hoping they've got some help.

Elly95 Sun 09-Feb-14 22:54:37

Hi Grandfathersflumpet, things are slightly better we had two good days followed by bad evening Saturday, very bad Sunday morning, followed by lots of guilt, better evening. I gave her half a Zopiclone as I am desperate for her to stay in bed until morning but I can hear her moving around. Yes the recovery does seem to be fast since initial post, although I am expecting consistency, which I have been told I shouldn't be. I have to say the care in hospital was brilliant but the home care team are already phasing visits down to two a week which is too soon to be at that level. I felt very low myself today after her bout of morning paranoia and accusations which lasted about 2 hours but seemed much longer and actually left her exhausted. We had one scary evening when she was in hosp, they phoned at 11.38 (pm) saying that they were going to move her to another hosp other side of city as a newcomer needed her bed! I refused to agree and ward sister also wasn't happy but 'bed manager' had last say. They changed their mind anyway and she stayed because I kicked up such a fuss, WTF! Thank you for getting back to me, I hope you are doing well, I am sorry about your horrible hosp experience. She is doing some amazing art since coming out which helps, they are images of her 'soul'. Sorry for rambling, confused post, reflection of my mind I suppose. X

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