Ok, this is going to be long & I may inadvertently drip feed so apologies. I've also NCd for this.
I didn't have a particularly great childhood - my father left when I was a baby & I didn't really have any relationship with him growing up (he has another family), but I have made contact in recent years & now we do speak on the phone/see each other.
My mother brought me up & I think she had serious issues which came out quote frequently - she smacked me until I was 9ish (I grew taller than her then & started answering her back), but a lot of the time I didn't really understand why - it's almost as if she was just taking her anger out on me. She also, throughout my childhood until I was 18, told me that I was "useless", "Would never be anything other than a cleaner", "would be taken into care". I now realise that she is a bully - she enjoyed manipulating me and making me feel like shit. I remember her sending me to my room quite frequently and I would get so angry there, so frustrated with myself I would throw my toys around & hit myself on the head & pull me hair, tell myself I was "stupid". I can't remember at what age I stopped doing this, probably about 9.
I became suicidal at 17 - we'd moved house (again - I've been to a lot of different schools) & I was half-way through my A-levels & I didn't find things very easy. I failed most of my summer exams & had to resit them. During my revision I remember thinking I was "useless" & wouldn't be able to go to uni & I couldn't see anyway out - I remember feeling like the future was like a tunnel with no end in sight. I didn't actually attempt suicide, but I did think of ways how I could do it & for months after I had to make sure I stood way back from the platform edge at stations incase I jumped in front of the train (I travelled by train to & from school). My mum was no help, told me everyone feels low at some point & it was all in my head. She also told me there were times she didn't love me.
I went to Uni (did very well in my A-levels) and my relationship with my mum appeared to get better although in hindsight I realise that it was only because I needed her and she enjoyed the power she had over me.
I'm the youngest of 4 & my eldest brother was taken into care at the age of 4 following abuse by my mum (she's always denied she ever abused him but my sister can remember her doing so). My grandfather sexually abused my dsis throughout her childhood. Even when my mum was told what was going on, she didn't stop going to see him and still took me (I'm about 14 years younger than my sister & was approx 2 when this all came out) to see him & left me alone with him, made me give him hugs etc (I remember thinking he was "bad" but obviously had no idea why. He died when I was 6.
I met my DH 8 years ago & we now have a DC who's nearly 2. I had a traumatic birth & baby spent time in SCBU immediately after birth. It took me a year to bond with her & I was severely sleep deprived as well as she fed constantly in her early months.
When she was about 3-4 weeks old I started hitting myself again - it would come on if I was having difficulty breastfeeding her (she took up to 2 hrs to latch on in the early weeks & breastfeeding didn't become easy until she was 3 months old). I would blame myself (she was prem & I blamed myself for that, I just thought I was a failure, she'd be better off without me etc). We had a lot of difficulties with her sleep - she didn't go into her own room until ahe was nearly 1 & sometimes at night if she wouldn't settle I'd hit myself & throw things (unbreakable things) at walls as I was so frustrated & angry at myself for not being able to deal with the situation.
Now she's old enough to understand, I never hit myself in front of her & I try not to throw things while she's in the same room either. I do find it difficult to deal with my anger & I have (about twice) shouted at her which I feel awful for doing so & I hate myself and feel so guilty afterwards. I have never hit or hurt her and I would never, ever do that. The anger is directed against myself as I feel the failure. Sometimes I do wonder what on earth my DH sees in me and I worry that I'm going to muck up dds life.
I realise I can't carry on like this and need help, but I don't know what to do. I'm scared of going to the GP incase they take dd away (although she isn't in danger) I worry about how others would perceive my anger problem. I just want to enjoy being a mum, I've always wanted a family of my own as mine is so fucked up.
I should point out that I'm in contact with my DSis, who's been incredibly supportive, but no longer in contact with my mum - she's never met my dd & I want to keep it that way.
Wow, I'm sorry for rambling & I hope this all makes sense and thank you for reading this far.
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Mental health
I think I need to get help, but scared to
14 replies
NCNotsurewhattodo · 15/12/2013 05:57
OP posts:
CraftyBuddhist ·
15/12/2013 13:05
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CraftyBuddhist ·
15/12/2013 13:16
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