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I think I need to get help, but scared to

(15 Posts)
NCNotsurewhattodo Sun 15-Dec-13 05:57:29

Ok, this is going to be long & I may inadvertently drip feed so apologies. I've also NCd for this.

I didn't have a particularly great childhood - my father left when I was a baby & I didn't really have any relationship with him growing up (he has another family), but I have made contact in recent years & now we do speak on the phone/see each other.

My mother brought me up & I think she had serious issues which came out quote frequently - she smacked me until I was 9ish (I grew taller than her then & started answering her back), but a lot of the time I didn't really understand why - it's almost as if she was just taking her anger out on me. She also, throughout my childhood until I was 18, told me that I was "useless", "Would never be anything other than a cleaner", "would be taken into care". I now realise that she is a bully - she enjoyed manipulating me and making me feel like shit. I remember her sending me to my room quite frequently and I would get so angry there, so frustrated with myself I would throw my toys around & hit myself on the head & pull me hair, tell myself I was "stupid". I can't remember at what age I stopped doing this, probably about 9.

I became suicidal at 17 - we'd moved house (again - I've been to a lot of different schools) & I was half-way through my A-levels & I didn't find things very easy. I failed most of my summer exams & had to resit them. During my revision I remember thinking I was "useless" & wouldn't be able to go to uni & I couldn't see anyway out - I remember feeling like the future was like a tunnel with no end in sight. I didn't actually attempt suicide, but I did think of ways how I could do it & for months after I had to make sure I stood way back from the platform edge at stations incase I jumped in front of the train (I travelled by train to & from school). My mum was no help, told me everyone feels low at some point & it was all in my head. She also told me there were times she didn't love me.

I went to Uni (did very well in my A-levels) and my relationship with my mum appeared to get better although in hindsight I realise that it was only because I needed her and she enjoyed the power she had over me.

I'm the youngest of 4 & my eldest brother was taken into care at the age of 4 following abuse by my mum (she's always denied she ever abused him but my sister can remember her doing so). My grandfather sexually abused my dsis throughout her childhood. Even when my mum was told what was going on, she didn't stop going to see him and still took me (I'm about 14 years younger than my sister & was approx 2 when this all came out) to see him & left me alone with him, made me give him hugs etc (I remember thinking he was "bad" but obviously had no idea why. He died when I was 6.

I met my DH 8 years ago & we now have a DC who's nearly 2. I had a traumatic birth & baby spent time in SCBU immediately after birth. It took me a year to bond with her & I was severely sleep deprived as well as she fed constantly in her early months.

When she was about 3-4 weeks old I started hitting myself again - it would come on if I was having difficulty breastfeeding her (she took up to 2 hrs to latch on in the early weeks & breastfeeding didn't become easy until she was 3 months old). I would blame myself (she was prem & I blamed myself for that, I just thought I was a failure, she'd be better off without me etc). We had a lot of difficulties with her sleep - she didn't go into her own room until ahe was nearly 1 & sometimes at night if she wouldn't settle I'd hit myself & throw things (unbreakable things) at walls as I was so frustrated & angry at myself for not being able to deal with the situation.

Now she's old enough to understand, I never hit myself in front of her & I try not to throw things while she's in the same room either. I do find it difficult to deal with my anger & I have (about twice) shouted at her which I feel awful for doing so & I hate myself and feel so guilty afterwards. I have never hit or hurt her and I would never, ever do that. The anger is directed against myself as I feel the failure. Sometimes I do wonder what on earth my DH sees in me and I worry that I'm going to muck up dds life.

I realise I can't carry on like this and need help, but I don't know what to do. I'm scared of going to the GP incase they take dd away (although she isn't in danger) I worry about how others would perceive my anger problem. I just want to enjoy being a mum, I've always wanted a family of my own as mine is so fucked up.

I should point out that I'm in contact with my DSis, who's been incredibly supportive, but no longer in contact with my mum - she's never met my dd & I want to keep it that way.

Wow, I'm sorry for rambling & I hope this all makes sense and thank you for reading this far.

Trooperslane Sun 15-Dec-13 06:05:23

No one will take your baby away.

You are far from useless - sounds like you've been dealt some rubbish cards but are just getting in with things.

Please go to your gp tomorrow.

And a hand to hold when you need it thanksbrew

sophiewophie Sun 15-Dec-13 06:11:42

You sound like you've had a truly awful childhood. i didn't want to read and run, just to let you know you're not alone in these feelings. i experienced a very similar childhood and have anger issues too. I don't have the answers for you as I'm yet to work them out myself sad I was just wondering if you could afford private counselling to prevent any fear of going via the GP? I'm sure someone be will along in a minute to tell you, not to worry about your telling your GP though.

NCNotsurewhattodo Sun 15-Dec-13 06:13:23

Thank you Troopers, I appreciate it. I did call for a Gp appt on Friday, but they were all booked up for 2 weeks ahead & told me to call back tomorrow. I think it's going to be hard just knowing where to start - when I feel ok, I just feel silly for even asking for help and think I'll be ok & just cope with it, but I know I don't want to ruin dds life with my issues so I need to sort it out.

wetwetwetfan Sun 15-Dec-13 06:14:24

You've done the hardest bit... you've admitted to yourself that you need help. Now you just need to accept the help that is offered. Your gp will be understanding and will not judge you.. they see this stuff day after day.

NCNotsurewhattodo Sun 15-Dec-13 06:16:13

Sorry to hear you've been through similar Sophie sad.

Dh & I did talk about private counselling but we have very, very limited savings (down to 1 salary now) and we need stuff doing to the house so no, we can't afford to unfortunately.

NCNotsurewhattodo Sun 15-Dec-13 06:18:12

Thank you wet

MrsBodger Sun 15-Dec-13 06:19:43

I completely understand your fear - I felt exactly the same way. But when I did finally realise how my depression was affecting my DD1 and went to the GP, I got nothing but sympathy and support.

You aren't a danger to your daughter, you are obviously a loving, devoted
mum who just wants the best for her. But you need some help - not
surprising, really, given what you've gone through.

Just one thing - can you talk to your DP about all of this? It's made a huge difference to me to have mine's support, and it's been important to him to know how things stand.

NCNotsurewhattodo Sun 15-Dec-13 06:25:46

MrsBodger, glad you've managed to get help and support (& I love the name btw!).

Yes my dh is incredibly supportive, he's listened to me talk about my stuff many, many times. Obviously it does upset him when I hit myself and he doesn't fully understand why I do it. He's always telling me I'm a good mum & that it's not abnormal to get frustrated and angry at things.

I do get worried sometimes as I have these thoughts when I do feel stressed (like when dd is being very grumpy or crying and clinging a lot). I'm almost too scared to voice them here though sad

MrsBodger Sun 15-Dec-13 07:14:48

Yes - and of course, having small children IS incredibly stressful! Much as we love them, there is nothing else like it for a combination of relentless/exhausting/sleep deprivation/boredom/anxiety/frustration - surely there's a clause in the Geneva Convention about putting people through this?

Even people who don't have mental health problems get pretty down sometimes when looking after little ones, so I think if there is an underlying problem before you have a baby, it's not surprising it gets worse.

And, thank God, these days, most people are aware of this stuff, certainly doctors are, and there is help.

But you may have to be a bit pushy - I don't think you should be waiting two weeks to see the GP. It's tricky though - it's not exactly an emergency, but two weeks is just too long for this.

Trooperslane Sun 15-Dec-13 08:19:10

I agree 2 weeks is way way too long.

Not to over dramatise but I do think it's serious enough to warrant an emergency appointment - you're in no way a danger to yourself or your family, but living in torture like this for another two weeks is inhuman IMO

NCNotsurewhattodo Sun 15-Dec-13 12:49:46

Sorry, had quite a busy morning so only just had a chance to read the latest replies!

I should point out that I don't feel like this all the time - the last episode of me hitting myself & getting angry was last week - I think I've only actually hit myself about 3 times in the last 3-4 months. So in theory I should be fine to wait for a couple of weeks for an appt - I've dealt with it this far. Tbh it helps just hearing other people say I need some help and that it isn't just me overthinking things or being overly dramatic.

CraftyBuddhist Sun 15-Dec-13 13:05:48

Hi op. It sounds like you have had a terrible time of it sad.

You sound very much as though you have low self esteem. The mothering you received was not good and must be very painful to reflect on, especially now you are a mother yourself. You sound very loving to your dd and the fact you would like help shows how much you care for her and wish for her to have a good upbringing.

Whilst you're waiting for your appointment have you though about a bit of self help? Stay on here and we will all hold your hand- but there are are some great books which might be a good start.

I can recommend 'growing up again' - it is excellent. Also 'overcoming low self esteem'. Anyone given your upbringing would be struggling emotionally. It is no reflection on you or your worth. You will find the tools to learn to be kind to yourself.

NCNotsurewhattodo Sun 15-Dec-13 13:11:28

Thanks Crafty - I was thinking about self-help books, but didn't really know where to start so your suggestions are really helpful, thank you.

CraftyBuddhist Sun 15-Dec-13 13:16:11

You're welcome op, best wishes.

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