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I don't know who I am anymore

(59 Posts)
SolidGold Sun 10-Nov-13 17:42:02

Apologies in advance for long rambling thread.

A bit of background: I've suffered with depression for 15 years, on and off, but mainly on. I've tried ADs in the past, but found the side effects were terrible (too tired to do anything, really bad headaches all the time). I've also had some counselling twice. Both times the counsellor thought things had improved and stopped the sessions.

I have no self confidence. I also think a week before my period hormonal fluctuations make it a lot worse, as in I think I am really ugly and fat and hate myself and also dh. I can feel this happening, it's quite a sudden change.

My relationship with dh is fine most of the time. We never row these days and I go out of my way to avoid a row because I can't stand the spoilt childish way dh reacts. Tbh he is lazy and slobby a lot of the time and I never comment because its too much hassle. It also is quite convenient, as it means I don't feel bad if I'm too down to bother to do housework or make an effort shock

He's been out of work now for 4 months and not done much at all. So much in the house needs doing. He doesn't Hoover or tidy. He'll wash clothes if I ask. He doesn't garden.

I don't seem able to discuss this with him as I am scared of how he'll react - not violently, I just hate the childish remarks and name calling that ensues. So either I do things myself or they don't get done.

I'm going mad with worry about our finances, but he won't discuss selling our house to find something cheaper. I know it's complicated for many reasons (bad credit rating, huge mortgage, falling house prices), But tbh I think what he's doing is just refusing to take responsibility for anything. Sometimes if I say let's do such and such he'll go along with it, sometimes he'll say that's ridiculous, we don't seem able to discuss things.

On top of that I have no life of my own. I am almost never alone, except at work (part time). I don't decide what tv we watch because he's so snobby about anything that isn't a quiz or scifi, a movie.

I have no friends, no hobbies except reading and nowhere locally to go and now no money to do anything anyway.

I don't know how to turn things round and be happy with my life and have respect for myself.

SolidGold Wed 13-Nov-13 10:52:26

Monikar, I agree that Tess is fine on her own, but annoying with Bruce. I quite like Claudia on a Sunday though, she's very quirky!

I think you're right, I need the excitement of starting a new knitting project, something small, so I'll probably start with a cardi. I did knit fingerless gloves for all three children two years ago, which they loved, so might knit some more for their stockings.

It was very cold here as well this morning, but a beautiful clear day, so I'm looking forward to a dog walk again later.

The doctor was fine and has suggested a blood test for menopause, so I've made an appointment for the end of the month. At least I can put that out of my mind. Yes, it is grim, I'll be glad when it's all over and done with. I'm sure it's contributing to how I feel. I'm no fun to be around and have no sex drive most of the month either. At the moment I scream if anyone touches me, due to really tender breasts sad

Apologies that sometimes my replies are really short - I usually check MN on my phone and can't see what I'm replying to. Today I've finally managed to get on the pc!

monikar Wed 13-Nov-13 12:10:26

Solid Yes, I like Claudia too! I even find the bit where Bruce and Tess dance very embarrassing and that then makes me cringe more when they start their 'banter' blush . That aside though, it is such a good show.

I have never knitted gloves, let alone fingerless ones - I made DD mittens when she was younger. It's a good idea for stocking fillers. I have a book of Christmas patterns I was looking through yesterday - there are some very strange items like a knitted placemat, but I have my eye on these little egg cosies which I am thinking of making for a friend who loves boiled eggs. I'm not sure on which colours to go for though - I have a lot of wool so don't need to buy any but am not sure what colour would look best. I may just go for green as I know she likes that.

Pleased your doctor's appointment went well. I too will be glad when it is all over and done with, it is such a nuisance now. That plus your hormones all over the place is probably making you feel so rubbish at the moment. I really hope they can help you once your blood test results come back.

Don't worry about short replies - I don't have MN on my phone. I have internet on it but it takes so long to load a page I would have forgotten what I had read!

SolidGold Wed 13-Nov-13 13:21:37

The fingerless gloves were really easy to knit and I bought some lovely soft alpaca wool on eBay to knit them. If you fancy trying them, I'll pm you the pattern.

I love buying knitting books, but have had to stop, they are quite expensive. There are a lot of fab up to date ones on amazon these days.

monikar Wed 13-Nov-13 14:53:44

Yes please, I would love the pattern if you wouldn't mind sending it to me - that would be great smile . Then I will have enough time to make a pair for DD for Christmas - she is 17 so I'm sure she will like those. I remember having a pair as a teenager with all different coloured 'fingers' that someone had knitted for me, so I might do them like that for her.

I don't own any knitting books, just loads of patterns! I do sometimes get them out of the library though for inspiration. You are right though, they are expensive. Mainly though, I just like looking at the pictures of all these lovely things that someone has made using very luxurious wool. I often like the way that they have decorated items - I got a book out with baby hats in it and they had made little flowers to go on them. I haven't tried that yet but it really made a very easy hat look very stylish. That is on my long list of things to try...

SolidGold Wed 13-Nov-13 15:19:40

I'll get that off to you later when I'm on the pc smile

SolidGold Wed 13-Nov-13 18:19:09

I think I only have 2 knitting books I bought new, but I have a few magazines too and a couple that I bought really cheap in eBay.

monikar Thu 14-Nov-13 10:20:40

Solid Thank you so much for the pattern, that is great smile .

I hadn't thought of eBay for knitting books - I have bought a few second hand books from amazon so I will have a look.

YoucancallmeQueenBee Thu 14-Nov-13 10:33:29

Solid, I really sympathise with you. I think you are a bit depressed, only because I recognise your own symptoms in myself & I am a bit depressed too. I have IBS as well, so sympathy there too.

I've been struggling with depression on & off for the last 14 years & it is such a joy sucker. I so understand where you are coming from with the fact that you have lost yourself. I feel that all the time. Somewhere along the line, I have ceased to exist & I am just a conduit functioning for those around me. I am quite functional, I work full-time, raise my DCs & am a good daughter too - but it all feels like I am on hold and I'm doing everything for other people & nothing for myself.

I try to hold on to the pleasure in small things. So, I enjoyed the colours of the leaves on my drive to work today. That was my pleasure & no one could take it away from me. I also keep on reminding myself of how things could be worse, to force myself to be grateful for the bits of my life that are actually ok.

I wish I could offer you more, but I don't have many answers either.

SolidGold Thu 14-Nov-13 12:19:52

Thanks for your reply YouCanCallMeQueenBee smile

I agree about finding pleasure in small things. I try to stand in the door to my back garden every morning and take a few deep breaths. I love the colour of the leaves right now, they are so beautiful.

Also every night I've now started thinking of three good things that happened during the day, following inspiration from the other thread around. Just the little things.

You are right, things could be so much worse, I am very aware of that. It's just the combination of the stress, worry, health problems and I think a disposition towards depression, having suffered on and off for a long time too.

Thanks for all the knitting suggestions smile I got stuck in to some charity knitting last night and found it quite relaxing. Also watched a funny film with dh.

Also had a bit of a chat with dh following my drs appointment and admitted to him that I wasn't feeling too great and might contact my counsellor again. I commented that we aren't very good at talking about important things and he agreed. So that's a start. Not sure it'll make a difference ...

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