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36 weeks, can't cope with feelings - antenatal depression??

(8 Posts)
BoyMeetsWorld Sun 03-Nov-13 19:52:04

Not sure if what I'm feeling is antenatal depression or just hormones but I feel completely floored by it. Please help? Just need to talk.

36 weeks with baby 2. Please don't judge but had this baby because I had to, not because I wanted to. DH took on me & DS1 whilst I was still pg after evil exH left me pregnant to run off with a teenager. I only ever really wanted 1 child but children are v v important to DH & it was always made v clear if I married him id be expected to have at least one more.

I'm not a 'natural' mother although DS is the most wonderful thing in my life. I'm rubbish at imaginary games & messy play & all the stuff I should be good at sad I am good at cuddles though :s

I'm very very focused on my career, have worked v hard to climb after having DS, am finally at manager level & gutted that I have to hand over the reins now to my maternity cover. The idea of 6 months at home with a baby fills me with dread not joy.

I have acquaintances but no really close friends. Nobody I can tell everything to & who I feel really cares about me. I always think to myself that if I were to die hardly anyone would come to my funeral confused

My beloved Dad is dead - he died when DS was tiny. My mother is very mentally unstable & v hard work - I've had to cut her off once during this pg for my own sanity. DH is v sweet but frankly a bit simple. He can't seem to connect with how I feel about anything - nothing goes in. It's like talking to a teddy bear - cute & cuddly but no response of any value. His main concern in life is his family - his parents & many siblings. They are v hard work - competetive, judgemental, incredibly eccentric & over dramatic. They exhaust me & I never feel I fit in with them.

I feel so so alone. I talk to people on here, to people on my birth boards but they're not 'real'. I've tried making one or two real friends but it takes so much time & I can't vent to them like this or id scare them off. I lie in bed at night awake & screaming in my head & just wanting someone to talk with & to
understand me but there is nobody

On one hand this baby can't come quick enough. I've hated every minute of being pg - what it's done to my mind, my body, my career. I'm dreading the lack of sleep, the nappies and vomit, crying & baby talk. I don't feel confident DH will pull his weight. But I see all the BAs on my birth board and getting more & more frantic that it's not me yet, that I can't wait another 4 weeks.

Today SIL announced she's pg again with 2nd baby. I feel like she's done it to compete & spite me. It's totally taken the shine off our baby, DH's family are now far more excited about hers. My own poor DS1 has never really been accepted in same way as her children. I just know she'll have a girl as I wanted a girl more than anything but I'm having all boys.

I must sound like an absolute cow. A totally crazy cow. Plz don't just tell me to see Dr. With DS1 my evil exHs mum called social services on me because she thought it would help their custody battle. Ironically, with that pg despite that exH put me through I really didn't have depression - I was fine & that's what they found. But it's still on my notes & I don't want more notes saying I'm mad.

I just need someone to talk to. I hate feeling like this. Want to curl up & hide until I feel better. Can't even be bothered with darling DS or DH, they're driving me crazy. I want to be alone, but that's exactly what I'm scared of.

Please help me or tell me how you got over this? confused

Mogz Sun 03-Nov-13 20:47:26

Oh my dear, you need to take this as a print out to your MW or GP so that you can get the best support possible. Whatever type it certainly sounds like depression or anxiety and now you've been brave enough to write it down and share you don't have much of a step to go to talk to a professional who can help. Best wishes to you.

BoyMeetsWorld Sun 03-Nov-13 20:57:12

sad but it will end up on my file. Is there nobody who can help that won't put it on my medical notes?

Mogz Sun 03-Nov-13 21:12:54

I know you might be reluctant for it to be on record, but it really is the best thing in the majority of circumstances as depression is not something that has a quick fix and can, unfortunately, be triggered again in the future. However if you are really not up for talking to a healthcare professional you could always talk to an organisation such as The Samaritans, they do wonderful work supporting people. Please be aware though they are volunteers and may not be trained. Other sources of help could be a local vicar or other religious leader, you should find that most will be very willing to spend time with you regardless of your beliefs.

I've been seeing a councillor on and off since I was 14, that might sound scary and like its not working but bear in mind that I started seeing someone due to suicidal thoughts and very severe self harm and now I only go to speak to someone once or twice if I feel any warning signs coming on, and really it's nothing more than a chin wag over a cup of tea and I'm golden again.

You will find what works to get you well, and you'll get there quicker if you try your hardest to keep an open mind. It takes a very brave person to ask for help, but then it takes a much braver person to follow the advice. So be brave, and for your own sake speak to someone out in the real world. I really do wish you all the best luck in the world, mental health is very precious so take good care.

Sunnysummer Sun 03-Nov-13 21:28:01

People are often afraid of something ending up on their medical notes, and it stops them from getting the help they beed.

Nothing that you've said would be a red flag that would cause issues in future if its written down at your GP's. CEOs, politicians, celebrities and some very awesome mothers from all walks of life have suffered from depression, and receiving treatment and having it written down has not caused them problems, instead it has made sure that they got the help that they needed.

You sound like a great mum, imaginary play can happen with friends and messy play can happen at nursery or school, but you do the cuddles that are the most important thing for your DS and your new baby.

You've been so brave to come forward and post this, and like other posters I really think that you need to talk this through with your midwife or doctor. They have seen perinatal depression many times before, it's a lot more common that people expect, and will be able to help you get support, especially if you continue to find life tough after the baby arrives.

Perhaps you could also print out an edited version of this for your DH to read? Sometimes it's easier to put on paper than have a very emotional discussion, he sounds like he cares for you very much and really needs to be there for you, DS and the new baby at this difficult time.

thanks and good luck

HoopHopes Sun 03-Nov-13 23:23:16

I guess as you have posted it here on MH then most people will think you want mental health support? Perhaps try posting on pregnancy or a similar forum if you want a different approach?

My own ideas are:
- you can return to your job or career and that will come sooner than you realise
- if this is how you feel it will be worth considering if you wish to have more children so you have some time to recoup before have child number 3
- work out what you are going to do to fill those 6 months in a positive way... Chikdren's centres run free activities, NCT groups around with play sessions, paid activities like baby sensory, sign, singing, baby massage etc. that way you will meet new mums, have offer people lead those type of sessions you say you struggle with ( eg messy play and crafts at play groups where you can take both children) and maybe get some support

- be honest with your health visitor for support. They can offer support themselves etc as well as refer to groups etc.

If you do not think dh will pull his weight ( and if they are at work and you breastfeeding those nights of few sleep are going to cause tensions, irritability to anyway), then use these 4 weeks to do as much as possible to make life easier for you when baby is born ( cooking, early Xmas card writing, present buying, batch bake etc).

Regarding family members, we are only responsible for ourselves and little ones - whether people, have other children to spite others is their own concern ( and are not they lucky to conceive just like that, so many sadly cannot!), but you can choose whether that will spoil your life or not. Only you can choose whether you will let such issues affect you. Or you can ignore and focus on your little one and baby to be and make it as happy and as positive a time u til you resume you career.

kazza446 Tue 12-Nov-13 10:11:05

Oh my word!! Your thoughts mirror mine to a t!! I'm pg with baby4. I'm 42 & was quite happy with my little life. My youngest has just started school & I was looking forward to concentrating on my career. Baby4 was a shocker but a termination was never an option for me. I'm now 32 wks & dreading birth. I have no maternal instincts for baby & could happily just give it over for adoption. I just feel trapped & resent the fact that my life has to stop whilst dh life just goes on. Dh appears to be in complete denial that im struggling & we don't talk. Our relationship is in tatters & I now feel I am trapped in relationship because I don't think I will cope as a single mum with 4. I went to see mh midwife yesterday who said I have perinatal mood disorder. Im just waiting now to start course of cbt. Don't feel afraid to see your gp, I spoke to my gp and he put down a vague diagnosis on my sick note so that it doesnt show mental illness. Stay strong & keep in touch x

violator Tue 12-Nov-13 10:50:21

You're not 'mad' if you have depression.
Depression/anxiety is a perfectly human reaction to stress. That's all.

Do tell your doctor. I had a big battle with PND and during one of my many conversations with my psychiatrist he told me the vast majority of PND cases actually start with antenatal depression. I didn't think I was depressed when pregnant but looking back I was, and did nothing about it.

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