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Fighting the urge to self harm

(138 Posts)
Khimaira Fri 25-Oct-13 06:48:11

It's getting harder and harder to fight it. I've been telling myself DS would get upset if he noticed and I don't want DH to find out about my 'dirty little secret' but I've put the TV on for DC's and I could hide it from them I think. I very much doubt DH would even notice. So I have no good reason not to any more but part of me knows I shouldn't start again. Can anyone give me one reason not to do it.

petsheep Tue 19-Nov-13 10:33:26

I just join this forum today, and I find very good , and helpful.

Khimaira Tue 19-Nov-13 11:09:02

I'm still here! Pogo Never. I am the one who gets up with the children every day (bar four, I think) and he doesn't do nights. There's no point him getting up with them now anyway because they don't want him if they do wake at night. Maybe DS would, I don't know, he comes straight to me and knows not to wake DH and DD just wants milk. grrrrr.

I no longer know what is reasonable I think. I spend a lot of time questioning what I think. Although this morning he left in a mood probably because I was playing tents with DD rather than get up and get breakfast ready. That was probably a mistake. I have told DH about me seeing a counsellor, almost. I have asked him to call the counsellor, but it seems he hasn't yet. I am trying to sort things out in my mind. I read something the other day that shocked me because it seemed so like me. I need to get my head round this and speak to the counsellor about it. I am seeing him this afternoon.

Khimaira Tue 19-Nov-13 15:00:11

And after waiting like an idiot for 40 minutes I finally manage to contact someone who tells me my appointment has been cancelled, I should have received a message and that it has been rescheduled for tomorrow. Except I can't go tomorrow. Argh!

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 20-Nov-13 06:38:08

Oh that's a blow, but no shortcoming on your part, so keep going!!!!

Hi Khimaira.

Did you manage to rebook the appointment with your counsellor? How are you?

Khimaira Tue 26-Nov-13 13:45:39

Hi, thanks for asking. I'm doing ok. Actually, surprisingly ok. Just the odd kill yourself keeps tacking itself onto my list of things to do. But that is normal so I'm used to it. I did kind of manage to reschedule the appointment. I couldn't get childcare so I had a Skype appointment from home whilst I bribed the children to be quiet with tv and iPad. So, it was more of a general how have things been catch up/coping session rather than anything too stressful. Trying to concentrate on the DC's and not think too much!

Pogosticks Tue 26-Nov-13 18:27:41

Khimaira I am glad you are focusing on your lovely DCs. Sounds like you are coping well. I was wondering if you could talk to your health visitor - they might know of anything like sure start which could help with childcare so you could get to face to face counselling?

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 26-Nov-13 20:38:14

Glad to hear you feel a little more in charge :-)

Are you taking care of yourself? You remember the oxygen masks in aeroplanes - you need to it yours on in order to take care of your dc

Khimaira Wed 27-Nov-13 12:56:39

Well I was until this morning! Scrubbing the carpet and floors at 630 because despite repeated requests DS did not go to the toilet and instead went on the carpet. A delightful gym session where he did only one of the activities. And I had forgotten to take my painkillers so lifting him down from the wall bars was rather painful. DD has just done the largest poo I've seen in a while and didn't ask for the toilet but in her nappy and all the way up her back. The dining room is carnage (sweet and sour + rice! I should have guessed!) and I have just sent them both to bed. I am drinking a tea before I attempt the clean up operation! I have been shouting a lot today, very impatient and short with them sad not for any good reason. I think I didn't sleep well last night. I'm beginning to realise just how much it affects me not having a decent nights sleep. I had two really good nights yesterday and the day before and the days were so much easier,

I don't know really. I've managed to do some exercise this week, which is a novelty. I feel quite guilty spending time on myself though. I've had a couple of evenings house hunting and yesterday I watched tv and didn't bother to fold the washing. I'm regretting that now though! I'm not going out of my way to do things I probably shouldn't. Been using gloves whist cleaning etc.

Thanks for the suggestion pogo, there's nothing like that around here and I don't have a health visitor. I do get some free time without the kids during the week, but it's restricted.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 27-Nov-13 16:52:17

That sounds a little better.

exercise is excellent. You MUST do it. It is not self-indulgent.

BTW you were not sold into slavery and should not work until you drop! Do what is essential, then rest and play! Your play - not dc play I mean

Khimaira Wed 27-Nov-13 19:55:20

The thing is, I'm usually too exhausted to manage it. I did a bike program on Monday and then only managed 13 minutes of it on Tuesday. Today I haven't done anything except run around after the kids as usual. I don't have the energy or the willpower to do anything. I can only do exercise in the day if I put the tv on for the children, even then, leaving them out of sight for 30 minutes is pushing it! I would feel terribly bad doing that, they already get 30 minutes in the morning whilst I have breakfast, shower, get dressed, clear the breakfast things and get a load of washing on. And I think its probably too much, but I don't really have another choice. Else they fight, or DD is climbing the furniture, if I shut her in the bathroom she puts things in the toilet/empties the cupboard/climbs on the toilet seat to get to the sink taps etc. It's now ten to nine and I have just got the DC's off to sleep, I'm exhausted and would just keel over if I tried to do anything now. I find most of my energy goes on trying to get through the day not on doing any actual work.

Pogosticks Wed 27-Nov-13 23:53:47

Khimaira where are you that you don't have a health visitor? I thought everyone had them. We had rice carnage at tea time today. It sucks! Well done on getting through today xx

Khimaira Thu 28-Nov-13 03:31:04

Urgh and now I'm awake and can't get back to sleep. DS wet the bed nearly two hours ago, I had to change it, clean him and get him back to sleep. Now I can't sleep. Keep thinking of things I shouldn't, especially at night! Will pm you Pogo. I cheated with the rice. Cleaned up the sticky sauce bits with a cloth, then waited a couple of hours until it was a bit dry and used the dustpan and brush!

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