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Fighting the urge to self harm

(138 Posts)
Khimaira Fri 25-Oct-13 06:48:11

It's getting harder and harder to fight it. I've been telling myself DS would get upset if he noticed and I don't want DH to find out about my 'dirty little secret' but I've put the TV on for DC's and I could hide it from them I think. I very much doubt DH would even notice. So I have no good reason not to any more but part of me knows I shouldn't start again. Can anyone give me one reason not to do it.

Khimaira Fri 25-Oct-13 11:07:46

It's always my fault he doesn't sleep well! If I don't get to the DC's before they wake him, if i move the duvet or if the wind rattles the doors etc etc I could go on forever. The whole saga of him not sleeping or being disturbed is quite frankly a *** nightmare. He's just got himself a prescription for 50 more sleeping tablets and I hate having them in the house.

Shopping is done, DD is asleep (lucky for some, she can stay awake half the night and now sleep envy ) and now I need to clean the place and cook them lunch. I am being a bad mum and have given DS the iPad.

Pogosticks Fri 25-Oct-13 11:34:36

Is he always like that? I don't want to turn this into a LTB thread but he sounds v unreasonable.

WELL DONE on getting through this morning and getting up and out and shopping. iPad is fine, kids need to learn about technology and (angry) bird watching and things like that wink

Khimaira Fri 25-Oct-13 12:11:34

How did you know he was playing angry birds? Can you hear him shrieking as the houses fall down?

No, he wasn't being unreasonable. I don't always think straight at night especially if I'm woken from bad dreams. I didn't want her in my bed so fed her and took her back to her room, hugged, rocked, sang and sat on the floor holding her hand for about two hours before giving up and moving her cot to my room, then after half an hour I let her into my bed and she slept on me til 630. But I didn't hear DS get up and go and get in the shower with DH and I also dozed off and didn't have breakfast ready.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Fri 25-Oct-13 13:00:42

That sounds like a lovely time with your Dd, even if the middle of the night. :D Not surprising if you dont manage to get right up to speed in the morning. You did as much as most mums do after a broken night's sleep. Plus you had thoughts of sh to deal with as well.

Khimaira Fri 25-Oct-13 13:22:50

Lol at lovely! I can think of better things to do at 3am!

I have painted six paper plates in preparation for the play date and just given in and taken more painkillers. Seems really stupid that I can't handle the pain but this morning was all for cutting myself confused the tv is on again.

Khimaira Fri 25-Oct-13 21:22:04

I just want to thank all you lovely people for getting me through today. I know I'm an awful mum for saying this but DD falling and bumping her head was what shook me out of the wrong place. The DC's are now asleep and DH agreed to me having a bath so I am tucked up in bed. I hope DD sleeps through. I feel a bit in a daze, hollow and shaky but I don't know if that's from this morning or because I'm slightly ill (cough and probably pulled a rib muscle). I can only take three painkillers a day and when the last one wore off I ached all over so I can only say they work! I have taken one for bed so I am going to try and get some sleep before the night chorus starts.

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 25-Oct-13 22:07:00

Does something counter intuitive like an act of self care ever help?

From the little I know, it can help people to try to reverse the cycle of feeling bad, self harming, feeling worse, so harming again.

Giving yourself a hair wash and blow dry, massaging body lotion, etc, physically taking care of yourself in an active way, rather than punishing your body?

I know it sounds as if I an over simplyfying but I think it can be possible to learn to generate an endorphin response through other actions

Showtime Fri 25-Oct-13 23:30:20

What a very difficult life you're having with DH, and how well you're coping while in pain. The DC do need you to be well enough to look after them, so I really hope things will improve soon. Small hug.

Khimaira Sat 26-Oct-13 05:45:34

I've never tried, it's not something I do, and I'm barely able to think beyond it let alone think of something counter intuitive to do. I did have a shower, but as hot as possible even though know it's not good for you. Also I realised today that whilst I often wear gloves whilst cleaning (using bleach, bathroom cleaner etc) there are times when I deliberately don't even though I know it's going to wreck my hands.

The DC's are up and dressed so now I just need to keep them relatively quiet until DH gets up! I know its pathetic but I'm just glad I got through yesterday.

englishteacher78 Sat 26-Oct-13 08:50:16

It's good you got through the day. Don't beat yourself up about the cleaning without gloves, the fact you've mentioned it here is great and I'm sure you will beat that too.
You got through yesterday; you can do anything!
I promise you it can and does get better. smile

Pogosticks Sat 26-Oct-13 09:05:18

Well done Khimaira. Feel very proud of you. Keep strong - and by the way you are not a bad mum. You are AWESOME.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 26-Oct-13 10:59:06

Do give it a try if you possibly can. A psychiatrist associate of mine (of no small repute) is a big fan if consciously reversing the cycle and practising self care - looking after yourself like you would your dd.

As someone else said, it's changing a negative habit, step at a time.

Khimaira Sat 26-Oct-13 12:43:52

I don't think I can do that.

I feel a bit off at the moment, I'm freezing even though I know I'm warm, my head is thumping and I feel a bit dazed. I'm trying not to cough because DH glares each time I do. I want to curl up in a ball but MIL wants to take kids to the zoo and DH and me to go out tonight. I don't think I can, but I daren't tell DH.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 26-Oct-13 18:06:31

What I read makes me wonder if your spouse is the cause of your stress :-(

If he sleeps poorly, it's your fault.
If you don't feel well you get a glare, not sympathy.

You deserve to be ok. Take some paracetamol, make a hot water bottle and try to distract yourself.

Could this be part of a bigger picture?

Khimaira Sat 26-Oct-13 21:21:41

No I don't. There's no bigger picture beyond my clear inability to manage to do what everyone else seemingly does so easily.

It's not his fault, I started cutting myself long before I ever met him.

ITCouldBeWorse Sun 27-Oct-13 08:51:09

Are there times when you don't cut?

Khimaira, you sound like you're doing a good job in difficult circumstances to me.

My CBT counsellor said similar to ITCouldBeWorse, that it's about breaking the cycle, changing your responses.

I understand that self care goes against the grain for you, but instead of saying "If I can cut, I can do this hard job", what about saying "If I'm strong enough NOT to cut, I'm strong enough to do this hard job"?

You're facing up to the cutting. You're coming on here & talking about it. That sounds like a strong person to me.

Khimaira Mon 28-Oct-13 08:49:32

That's the stupid thing. I started about 18 years ago (am I really that old confused) but haven't done for the past five years.

Thanks for the suggestion Empress but that's not really relevant any more. That's why I started, then it became much deeper, more fundamental. I don't know how to describe it. More a response than a way if getting myself to do things, not so much a conscious decision any more. That probably doesn't make much sense but I don't know how to explain. Sorry.

I'm used to the low level "I need to cut myself" urges and I can distract myself from those. It's just like background noise now. But sometimes it's stronger and this time it was all consuming and almost over whelming. I had to fight through it to even change DD's nappy. It's like each time a strong urge comes now it's getting harder and harder to resist.

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka Mon 28-Oct-13 10:27:32

Interesting thread, and you're doing really well Khimaira. I was just thinking of starting a thread on here about whether ex-self-harmers still get the urge. I haven't cut myself in about 10 years, but it still crosses my mind when I feel down for whatever reason.

Yes Yippee. Still get it when I'm feeling particularly frustrated or pissed off. I think it would be harder to do now though.

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 28-Oct-13 19:30:58

I think it can be a very old, even well established response. Smokers can still get the urge 20 years after ceasing. Mostly you can replace it with a more useful response. And that is what you need to do now.

Run until your legs hurt, use a body scrub with vigour, the moisturise with a durn hand. These can be excellent replacement activities, but with a better outcome for you.

Bathing can be an excellent choice - IMO it combines mental and physical self care ( integrating somatic and spirit aspects of you) and water. It sounds woo, but moving water - sea and rivers are best but even a shower is good .

You can retrain your mind

Khimaira Tue 29-Oct-13 06:11:04

Thanks It. Running is not an option. I can't leave the DC's. Same for the bath. (I manage about one a month in the evenings but any more than that and DH gets pissed off!) You mean use a brush instead of a knife? Didn't quite understand the moisturiser, sorry. Is that really a good idea to switch one method for another?

I'll be ok for a bit I think. If nothing else I'm too exhausted at the moment to do anything! On a totally different topic, I'm even beginning to contemplate going to the doctor about this cough as it just won't go. I just don't know if its worth it. How do you decide if you actually need to see the doctor or if you're just being paranoid?

I think the standard guideline now is to see the doctor if you've had a cough for 3 weeks.

Khimaira Tue 29-Oct-13 11:52:07

So I'm just being daft. Ok I'll wait a week and stock up on painkillers. Thanks

I had a dry tickly cough for about a month. The GP told me to take paracetamol and come back if it went to my chest or I coughed up phlegm. I'd have thought your rib muscle was reason enough though.

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