i'm a bad son

[BengalTiger]

Hello.

In the summer I started a thread on here. Here's the link if anyone wants a lil background stuff: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1753005-Contemplating-suicide

I'm 16 and soon to be 17. My dad died at the start of the year and when I was 6, my mum left me and my dad cause she was a drug addict. She overcame her addiction and came back into my life when I was 14. I moved in with her when my dad died of a heart attack. I've been depressed ever since my dad died and I've done different types of therapy and different ADs and nothing really has worked.

In the title I say I'm a bad son cause I am. Excuse my language but I'm a real dick these days. All I do is play videogames, smoke pot, and be nasty towards my mum. The other day I heard her crying in her room cause of an argument we had. She found a couple of weed joints in the pocket of my jeans (I honestly don't know why weed is illegal when cigarettes and alcohol are legal - the latter two kill so many people annually whereas weed doesn't). I like it cause it makes me feel calm and happy. I become so angry at the stupidest things when I'm sober. Like right now I'm watching footie and I'm so pissed off cause those Tottenham bastards are winning. Seriously, how pathetic is that? And it's not even like Tottenham are pasting my team. They're mauling a team I couldn't care less about. I just don't like them and I'm angry cause of that. Something that has no direct effect on me but yet I'm angry. I feel like this all the time. That's why I like smoking pot cause it makes me feel the exact opposite. It makes everything seem okay. I know it's just an illusion the drug creates but it's way more effective than ADs or therapy.

I'm a bum to be honest, cause I ain't doin anything that's productive. I graduated from secondary school in the summer and the people I went to school with are either at sixth form or working or at least doing something with their lives while all I do is sit on my arse. I feel like I'm a bad son not only for my mum but my dad. He ain't here now but I know he'd be disappointed in me if he were.

[chchchchchangesusername]

Hi, I don't have much advice really but I didn't want to see your thread unanswered. My son is 16 too and I would hope if he ever reached out for help like this someone would be around to listen.
You sound very low and that is so sad to me. I'm sorry about your dad. I recently lost my dad and it has devastated me more than I ever realised it would - I cant imagine how it would feel to lose him at a young age - especially as it was just the two of you for so long.
You sound like a lot nicer lad than you realise, y'know - you feel bad for hurting your mum, you have a good heart. You'll get there.

Hopefuly someone with some actual useful advice will turn up here soon!

[BengalTiger]

Thanks for responding.

Sorry about your dad. I know exactly what it feels like. I always thought my dad would be here forever. Even after my mum left it was a bit like my parents were in a bubble. I thought that the stuff that happened to other people would never happen to them.

And I don't have a good heart. I've put my mum through 2 suicide attempts and I'm nasty towards her. A person with a good heart doesn't do that.

[trish5000]

Hi. I remember your last thread.
Have things happened since that thread?
You were starting to be in a better place at the end of the last one.

fwiw, I think that you do have a good heart. But it may well be getting buried under all your anger. I think posters on the last thread suggested that you try and get the anger out. Cant quite remember what was suggested.

[BengalTiger]

Yeah things have happened. I tried to commit suicide again in late August. I'm on different pills, new therapy - all that, but things just don't get better. I'm so tired of seeing doctors and having nothing to change. Hence why I've turned to weed really. Like I said before all it does is create an illusion when I'm high but it makes me feel good. I know it's not good for my health but I like the feeling.

[Titsalinabumsquash]

Bengal I think since you're posting here you obviously care an awful lot about your Mum.
I remember you posting before but I can't remember if you spoke to your Mum about how you were feeling? Did you? You sound like you could do with some counselling or some CBT or something, maybe a chat with your GP would be a good idea?

Is there anything you want to do with your life, any goals or aspirations? Pyle could contact a local college to see if there is a course you could do to achieve them?

My Mum died a few years ago and I was devastated, I'm sorry for your loss.
If your Mum is anything like I am with my own kids or like my Mum was with me, she loves you regardless and would want you to be happy.

[trish5000]

I am no expert btw.
I think you know that weed is not a long term answer.
What sort of therapy is it if you dont mins me asking. There seems to be different types, and perhaps a different sort of therapy would be better, or same therapy, but different therapist?

[BengalTiger]

@squash - I do care about her. A lot. But I find myself lashing out at her a lot too. I can't help it. I always tell myself I won't do it again but then something happens and I can't control the anger in my throat and chest. I told my mum about how I was feeling. I got help with meds and counselling throughout the summer. Sometimes things felt better but then just ended up going back to that same old horrible place.

I did have goals and aspirations. But I don't anymore. I used to wanna do something to do with writing but I don't write anything anymore. Just don't have the motivation. But at the same time even though I don't have motivation, I feel bad when in the morning I see my ex leaving her house and going to sixth form. She's actually doing something with her life while I'm not.

@Trish - I do know weed is not a long term answer. It's actually not an answer at all really. I know that but I still do it. But I haven't since my mum found out about it. It's really, really upset her cause she used to do drugs and that's why she left me and my dad all those years ago. And I'm doing psychotherapy. This is my second therapist really.

[Neitheronethingortheother]

Hi tiger, the one thing that stood out to me about your posts is how articulate you are and how you are able to express how you are feeling. I was thinking that before i got to your post where you said you wanted to have a career which involved writing. Take one step. Look for a creative writing course. Do something positive in relation to this. Make your mam and dad proud. You are dealing with a lot you need to find away to deal with it that doesn't involve hurting yourself or those that care for you. Weed is shit it will depress and get in the way of you fulfilling your potential. Keep trying the therapy but be mindful that while you are smoking weed you will find it difficult to change your thought patterns. Don't be too hard on yourself treat yourself with compassion. Its your life - own it !!

[BengalTiger]

@other - Thank you. Unfortunately I don't write anymore. I used to wanna do something along those lines but don't have the energy anymore. I'm really lazy these days. Even I'm doing nothing I find that I'm tired. I wish it were different. I'm interested in videogame/film scriptwriting and I've written a crap screenplay before I felt like this but that's about it. Plus it's almost impossible to break into both industries. 99% rejection rate. No point in trying that.

I never thought I'd smoke weed before I did. But a group of lads I used to play basketball with back in year 7 were smoking it and I tried it. It made me vomit at first and I thought I'd never do it again but then I tried it again. It didn't make me vomit. Just gave me a nice, buzzing feeling. I know it's not good for my health and you're right, it's shit in reality despite the way it makes me feel, but so is alcohol and cigarettes - the only difference is that they're legal. When it comes to hard drugs like crack, heroin, methamphetamine , yeah they defo need to be illegal but weed is no worse than booze or cigarettes.

[BengalTiger]

@other - I haven't smoked weed since my mum found out though. I think it's the guilt.

[bouncingbelle]

I haven't read your previous thread but a lot of your post brings back memories for me, I lost my dad very suddenly when I was a similar age to you and he was very much my 'main' parent, and I said and did some horrible things to my mum and sister at that time. First off - you are not being a bum. You are taking the time out that you need to recover from difficult events in your life - all those people going off to 6th firm just now - they are not going through what you are right now. So don't feel bad or like a loser because you,re not doing what they are. But DO use this time to work on Your feelings. The anger - perfectly understandable, you have a lot to be angry about, including what sounds like anger and frustration at yourself. It's easier to get angry at the minor things - the football results - than about the big things - losing your dad just as you needed him most, your mum leaving etc. you just need to find something to do to channel or take out that anger - would going for a run or some kind of exercise work? It did for me and trust me I'm NOT sporty. It just let me channel that aggression. The weed - it's not the worst thing in the world but you don't want to have to rely on anything to get you through this time or to numb the bad feelings - you want to deal with them and get them to go. Could you find something to so just for enjoyment - the busier you are the less you,ll smoke. Don't feel your dream job is unattainable - but just think what are the baby steps to getting you there? What course would help? What job could you do in the meantime, maybe even part time and volunteering at something to do with the job in your spare time? Your mum - ultimately you are not responsible for her happiness. She,ll have her own demons to deal with about leaving you as a child, your dad dying and seeing your obvious upset about it. You just concentrate on healing you - because you deserve it x

[trish5000]

Do you find that the psychotherapy helps at all? Does your mum come too at all?

Can I ask why you chose not to go to sixth form or college?

[BengalTiger]

Trish - It does help when I'm there and we talk about things. But it doesn't last long. A few days at most before everything just goes bad again. Sometimes after a session I feel like this will really change.

And I didn't go to college or sixth form because as the summer went by I just didn't feel like I was up to it. I did well in my GCSEs but I barely managed to finish out the year cause of everything that was going on. I didn't feel up to the thought of full time school and feeling the way I do at the same time.

@ belle - Sorry about your father. It's so horrible. I know. Sometimes I replay the moment I was sat down and told that my dad had passed away. It didn't seem real then and in some ways today it doesn't seem real.

On the excerise bit for the anger - I'm a quitter these days. I always say I'm gonna do something but I never stick to it. Like before I said I wanted to put on weight cause I'm tall and I feel like I'm too skinny. I eat a lot but I never put on weight. I was on a putting on weight schedule but after a couple of weeks I quit. I was gonna start playing basketball regularly again like I used to do when I was younger but I quit that again. When you exercised for the anger outlet did you do it regularly? I get enjoyment from playing games, but at the same time it makes me feel like a loser. Like if I've been playing a game from 12 pm to 4 pm I actually feel bad inside. I have to stop and just go out for a walk or just have a kickabout with a football in the backyard.

I guess doing something to do with English at sixth form would help on the writing bit. Some unis do creative writing courses so if I was to go to sixth form and then uni after I could do that. I don't know about volunteering. Like I said I'm really lazy these days. I love animals and I actually wanted to volunteer with something to do with animals but like I mentioned before I'm a quitter.

Can I ask how you were able to overcome all the bad stuff after your dad died?

[Queenofknickers]

I don't have any advice but I really wanted to post to let you know that mums NEVER give up on, stop loving or anything like that, their children. I have 2 sons and no matter what they do I will never stop loving them more than my own life. I couldnt imagine it until I had my boys but it is the most powerful love ever. I think that you sound like a lovely, self-aware, caring (and intelligent) person - I bet your Mum loves you to bits. You will find a way through this.

[BengalTiger]

@Queen - I'm not a parent so I wouldn't know exactly about the feeling of a parent but I think you're right cause I know my mum loves me. She tries so hard but lately I just brush it off.

[bsc]

Young people in Y12 have to be in trainiing, employment (with college) or educatiion this year.

Hasn't your mum had ed welfare visiting yet?

[BengalTiger]

bsc - Nope. Not that I know of.

[millyme]

Hi
You sound like a really lovely person actually, and after what you've been through I reckon you're entitled to be lazy and difficult and even a bit unhealthy for as long as it takes.
When I was your age I also found myself minus my dad, smoking lots, doing no work and disrespecting my mum. I continued like that for years and I do think weed gave me some precious and important bursts of relaxation, despite all the bad aspects of it.
For me, two things helped propel me into the next (happier, healthier) stage of my life: getting a part time job in a shop relating to something I love (books, but it could be anything where you might end up having chats with kindred spirits...). Then, falling in love with someone really nice who I wanted to stick around for and do fun stuff with. Even before I met him I told myself that person was out there somewhere, and I had to keep going until I met him.
Now I have a son of my own and like others have said, I know that NOTHING can make a mum think her boy has a bad heart.
Fwiw my dad was addicted to hard drugs and hence was out of my life for many years, so I know how worrying it can feel to find yourself smoking weed alot and wondering whether you're going down the same path. But from what you've said, everything you're doing is very normal and very understandable. The best thing is you have that tiny spark that wants to change. That's what will light your way out of all this. Even though lying on the sofa all day watching a screen seems like you're stagnating, you're not! You're just taking time to grow and heal a bit.
Lots of love and good luck!

[bouncingbelle]

How did I cope? I don't know, I know the grieving process was complicated by a lot of things, including me also having the same condition that killed him and requiring major surgery for that, but every day I got through I saw as a success - and many days, just getting up, dressed and brought the day was all I 'succeeded' in - and just gradually it got easier and easier. I stayed in school, even though my results were rubbish as if I had lost that routine I would have struggled even more. If you exercise, it would be for YOU, don't set yourself a schedule....every time you go work out that angry is a SUCCESS, if sometimes you do something else, that's ok too - you haven't quit, just CHOSEN to do something else. Allow yourself to enjoy the moments when you do feel happy, don't beat yourself about about what it is that makes you feel good. And one day, you will realise that the "happy" moments join up more and more to make a happy hour, a happy day, a happy week.... You are not a loser, you are someone who recognises they are in a bad place and is reaching out and using the help available...you are achieving a LOT already xxx

[BengalTiger]

milly - thanks for sharing your own story. I do want to change. And sometimes it feels like I can but I just end up back at square one. It reminds me of the saying "actions speak louder than words."

Belle - Like with milly, thanks for sharing your own story. Like you mention I guess it's a gradual process. Sometimes I just want the quick fix. For everything to be better quickly but I know it's not like that. My mum was addicted to hard drugs and it took her a long time to overcome it. It was gradual with her too.

Silver - Okay.

[trish5000]

Not allowed Glad. Will have to report you. Why didnt you ask mumsnet first. Perhaps you already have and everything is ok.

[millyme]

I know. Change can take sooo long and be so frustrating - and sort of mystifying. I tried to give up smoking & generally being a feckless loser every day for nearly ten years and every time I'd fall right back into the same ways of being the very next day. Then, suddenly (when I was old enough? When I was bored enough? When I was far enough away from the hurtful times? I still don't know) I just did. Just gave up smoking. Started doing yoga stretches every morning for a few minutes. Started being able to take a few seconds every day to think of something I'm grateful for. Started making my own family.
You've got so much time ahead of you to try different ways of being.
You will laugh and love and have fun and feel energised again, I promise.
X

[BengalTiger]

Milly - It is frustrating. You're right. Kinda feels like when I was younger and I wanted to be older. I remember being in Year 7 and thinking that I'll never get to be in Year 11 but then it just happened.

Well I think I had a positive moments ago. I have a deep sea phobia, especially when that deep sea has ship wreckages or any big wrecks. I was I was playing a game that features a really detailed/almost real ocean a moment ago. I've had the game for a few weeks now and before that I could never go to the ocean and swim underwater cause I was scared. It's only digital images but it's still scary as hell cause the game is so detailed. But I did this time. Went right to the bottom where the sun disappears and it wasn't so bad actually. Was fun. Proud of myself.

Anyway I'm knackered so I'm offf. Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to comment. Goodnight.

[millyme]

Hope you're doing ok,
Wishing you well
X