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Counselling cancelled and I now feel I am being unreasonable finding it hard(4 Posts)
I feel like I am being really unreasonable with how I am feeling....
I have been seeing a counsellor in relation to previous sexual abuse. It is via a charity.
The sessions finished a couple of weeks ago, because the counsellor left the organisation. I had known that she would be leaving for a number of months beforehand. The charity said that although I had to obviously wait for another counselling slot to become available I would be at the top of their list.
I was expecting to have a gap of a few months waiting for a new timeslot, and was ok with that. Then last week I got a call saying that there was a slot available, and I took it. Initially I wasn't sure how I felt about it as I had not been expecting it to be so soon. I spent a few days re-adjusting to the idea, and actually had a really tense day yesterday because the sessions was meant to be at the end of the day.
Then just as I was about to walk out of the door to go to the counselling, I had a phonecall to say they had made a mistake and the slot had already been given to someone else! The person on the phone was really really apologetic and it was clear that she felt genuinely very bad about her mistake.
But last night and today I just feel so crap. I had started to allow myself to think about stuff again, things that I had been pushing away again because I knew that I would have the gap between seeing the counsellors and I thought that was the best way to cope with it. Now I need to try and get rid of all the thoughts and stress and anger again and that feels hard.
I am annoyed with myself that I let myself start to think about it all again, I need to find some way of disconnecting from it all over again so I do not feel bad. I am annoyed with myself also because I feel like I am losing perspective on it - when I am not feeling really bad about it I am feeling like maybe actually I am making a huge fuss over nothing, the abuse wasn't 'that bad' and they probably gave the other person priority over me because they felt that my issues were not really significant.
I don't feel that I can complain about it or even contact them again to ask how long it will be before they do have a free slot, as they won't know the answer to how long a wait there will be anyway.
I hate that I have ended up feeling really angry with myself despite the fact that this was not my mistake. I am upset with myself at how much I have been upset by all this.
Sorry this is quite long, I am just trying to find some way of making myself feel better under the circumstances.
Does sound friustrating. Trying to look at the positives, you have had some longer term counselling with good notice it was ending and the promise of more counselling when a slot is available.
They may have given the slot to someone who has had no counselling and therefore had to be a priority over you. In the NHS most counselling is limited by number of sessions but I do not know about charity counselling. Could you try to focus on what you learnt and skills you need to practise from the counselling you already have had to help you.
It is encouraging more support is available and you know you are not bottom of the list as well, which I hope helps you.
If you are struggling you could phone charity helplines which might help you talk about this and focus you on positives?
Thanks for replying, I think I was just ranting. It is indeed good that hopefully I will not have to wait too long, I think I was just so upset because being told that they had the timeslot available meant that without really realising it I had stopped protecting myself against some of the stuff that I didn't want to think about. And then having to re-adjust all over again feels like needless work on my part. But indeed I do feel better today.
Be gentle with yourself. It isn't your fault that you started to think about those issues again, it's perfectly normal in fact. I can understand your disappointment that the appointments haven't gone ahead.
I hope they can find you a place soon.. is there any chance of you going Private instead?
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