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Please talk to me, I am feeling sad

(14 Posts)
Notanotherusername Sun 13-Oct-13 21:38:38

In short: I've had a really bad week, two people close to me died and my aunt has cancer and my friends have no idea because I could not tell them because they called me asking for a listening ear and they all had problems. And they are the kind of person who thinks saying 'it will get better' its patronizing, so I just had to listen and could not really say anything to make them feel better or tell them things were not great on my side too.

My husband suffers from anxiety disorder so I do not tell him things that can make his condition worse.

So I have been listening and just wish someone could listen to me.
I am usually the one who looks positive, but I just wish someone was there to tell me everything will get better.

I've got a baby and I am still in lots of pain after my EMCS, I've been going to the hospital and it seems it's adhesions from the c section.

I have been sexually abused as a child and I am beginning to disclose this to family so they can protect their children from that person.

If you saw me you wouldn't think I am not feeling great, because I am good at hiding how I feel and after seeing one of my friends crying, I did not have the heart to tell her all those bad things happening to me too, because I didn't want to upset her even more.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sun 13-Oct-13 22:06:07

Hi, I replied on your other thread, but am following you here too smile

I know you don't want to tell your friends things, as they are having a hard time too, but I'm sure if you did they would listen. Good friends are willing to give and take and they will listen to you as well.

The amount of stuff you have going on, along with the physical stuff is going to grind you into the ground if you don't find somewhere you can let it out.

Talking here is great. Its helped me so much on lots of occasions, but there's no substitute for RL if you can get it.

filee777 Sun 13-Oct-13 22:07:04

Hey we are here and listening x

Mollydoggerson Sun 13-Oct-13 22:09:44

Aw you sound soo alone right now, you don't have to be, lots of people will accept and understand that you have a lot of difficult circumstances right now. It's really awful that you are going through all of this. I'm sending you lots of love. xxx

LackaDAISYcal Sun 13-Oct-13 22:09:59

<pulls up chair>
<pats hand>
<lends ear>

So sorry you have all this on your plate, and that you can't share how you feel with your DH. I wish there was something supportive or constructive I could say, but I don't know where to start. Just wanted to lend some support x

Notanotherusername Sun 13-Oct-13 22:29:41

Thank you all, really sorry it's just I feel down today.

I have had depression after my mother died (we had a car accident), so I know it's not serious now, I just feel sad because it seems when I want to share something bad happening to me, my friends talk first and then I feel bad because I do not want to make them feel even worse. Don't know if it makes sense.

Since my mother died, I find it really difficult to express sad feelings, I did not cry in public when my mother died, I used to hide because I did not want my dad or my brother (he was 12 yo) to feel even worse because of me (I was 17 yo). So now that I've lost two people (one from school and the other was like a grandmother to me). I can't even cry, just feel like sadness inside me.

As for the abuse, I can't afford private, so I went to a psychosexual therapist on the nhs (was sent there by the gyne because she suspects vaginismus after she tried to pass an speculum (I have never liked things going inside me down there -apart from DH-)

When I disclosed the past abuse I suffered, the therapist said two things I did not like: I was crying and I said: why did it happen to me? I was abused by 2 people. And she said: maybe you were too trusting. I felt as if she said it was my fault. My question was a rhetorical one, I know I did not do anything, I was not at fault (I was 5 years old when the abuse happened).

And the second thing: when I said because of the abuse I do not leave my baby with anyone (no nurseries, because I can't trust other people), she said: some of us have to do it, because we have to go to work. I know that, but I wasn't there to discuss what other people have to do. And my mother did not leave alone with other people, it happened in the same house where we were visiting.

I felt angry because when I told my parents about it, they decided to stop talking to the 1st offender for three months and that was it (I did not tell them the extent of the abuse).

So when abuser 2 did things to me, I just let things happen, as I knew my parents wouldn't do anything, I have read about it and I think it's called dissociation, I just went into an imaginary world and disconnected from my body ( I do that when I have to have a smear test too)

Sorry, I have already written a lot.

bluebirdwsm Sun 13-Oct-13 22:42:21

Hi Sorry to hear you feel you are carrying so much around and that no one listens.
However, lets turn it around. Because sometimes when we tell people all we don't get the reaction/empathy/feedback we need, and that is as painful to deal with. It can even make us feel worse, and we berate ourselves for saying anything at all.
Also, I think there is a quiet dignity in dealing with our problems ourselves - I know not out of choice, but because we are often given no option. We therefore can feel strong because we are, and that feeling is empowering in itself.
You sound very considerate as well as protective, which again are admirable qualities. So have another good feeling about yourself for that. You are also a good listener, which is a good thing - but don't make yourself too available to others. Only give of yourself when you are able and it's convenient to you and your family.

Sometimes it's only wise to open up properly to the right person, and to wait for that right person and the right time. With the losses you have suffered and are facing do you think you should talk to your GP/counsellor or contact a bereavement counsellor? They will certainly listen.

Notanotherusername Sun 13-Oct-13 23:03:03

Thank you blue I have felt better when I thought of all that I have 'overcome' myself. If you met me, you wouldn't think I am carrying so much all these years.

And I know we all have problems, I usually try to make jokes and laugh. I agree with you when you say Because sometimes when we tell people all we don't get the reaction/empathy/feedback we need, and that is as painful to deal with. It can even make us feel worse, and we berate ourselves for saying anything at all. I am always very careful of what I say.

The only friend I talked about the sexual abuse has lots of problems and also started talking in confidence about a mutual friend in not very friendly terms. That has put her in a new light to me, I know we all say bad things about other people from time to time because we all have little annoying habits and we are not perfect, but now I wonder what she says about me to other mutual friends.

I usually try to say only good things about other people and only make any 'bad' comments to my DH because I know it will be kept between us, or only when I know for sure the two people will not meet.

bluebirdwsm Sun 13-Oct-13 23:15:40

Yes, the way people talk about others to us is a great indicator of how they are going to discuss us when we aren't there!
We assume too I think, that people will understand what we are talking about or the impact something has on us, when they just don't.
We can only try and be selective about who we confide in.
I have talked to a close friend about [sexual] abuse I had when I was a small child, but she just doesn't get the significance and impact it has had on my life.
To be fair there is something she has been through that I cannot fully understand either. This is why we each individually feel so alone with our hurt, it's so isolating. Part of the human condition I guess.

bluebirdwsm Sun 13-Oct-13 23:19:22

PS. Yes you have been through a great deal, and are a strong person. There is a great deal to be said for keeping your own counsel and putting a brave face on. It isn't what we want to do but if, as a by product, it makes us feel a bit of self respect then that's ok.

Notanotherusername Sun 13-Oct-13 23:28:28

blue that friend has also suffered the same kind of abuse, but she has a different kind of trauma now. I have listened to her a few times and reassured her, but just when I felt she could do the same for me, she went on to talk about her own issues and I felt bad for talking about my own. Then she thinks other people are jealous of her, which might be true, but as I usually pay no attention to material things, I couldn't really understand why it bothered her so much. But I still listened. Maybe I am being too harsh on her, we all have bad days.

Notanotherusername Sun 13-Oct-13 23:32:35

P.S. I am sorry about what you went through, I think people who have not have this awful experience cannot really understand us, the 'just get on with it' does not help. It's what we have been trying to do with out lives, not letting something like that define us. We need to keep being strong, thank you so much blue

I really should focus on my very handsome DH (to me he is the most handsome man in the UK) and my dear baby. I should focus in the good things in my life.

bluebirdwsm Mon 14-Oct-13 11:16:28

Speaking from the place I am in life, where I have no partner, no chance of a partner, live alone, grown children with lives of their own, and friends scattered all over or deceased, I think you have so very much with your very handsome husband and beautiful baby.

Enjoy them and how they enrich your life, and I hope make up for the bad bits.
So many out there have unhappy unsupported lives. All the best.

Notanotherusername Mon 14-Oct-13 19:55:18

Thank you again blue I need to count my blessings. I was feeling really sad yesterday because I shared information about these two paedos with people who are close to them. As we are all related I'm expecting some people won't believe, some will say why did I kept quiet for so long, etc. When I speak about it I start shaking, it's really horrible, like a panic attack and I feel vulnerable again as if I was 5 years old again.

I was married before and we had lots of problems sex wise, because of the abuse I suffered and also because of other things, first 'husband' also tried to hit me and that finished our marriage and he was also cheating on me with lots of other women.

I have been blessed with my 2nd DH, he has always been so gentle and understanding and he would never hurt me. I should forget about all the negative things and focus in the positive.

You tell me your children are grown up and have lives of their own. Do you keep in touch with them daily? I try to do that with my DMIL because she is in a similar situation, I think seeing her GC makes her day a bit better (I send her pictures, emails, etc.)

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