DH is suicidal

[ScarletLady02]

I've posted something in Relationships so I hope it's OK to post here to.

Me and my husband separated a few days ago...he says he needs space and wants to sort out his head to see if we can save our marriage.

He had an abusive childhood he never really dealt with and as a result has quite destructive and angry behaviour. He admitted to me today he's felt suicidal for a while and spends most of the day just wanting the pain to go away...he's had drug and alcohol problems etc but is relatively sober at the moment.

Taking our relationship out of the equation...what can I do? I feel helpless. Are there any people who have been their, either partners of people who have come through it, or people who have partners. I've accepted it's possible we might not be together at the end of this, but he's the father of my child and I want to help him.

[RhondaJean]

Hi there.

I have and I know just how frightening it can be. It was related to redundancy rather than substance abuse but I have never been so scared.

I don't know that I have much advice I can give you, but here is a hand to hold.

[ScarletLady02]

Thank-you...I believe the addiciton is a symptom rather than the cause. He was brutally abused by his father and I don't think he's dealt with it. He's very angry, it's affecting his parenting and he has a lot of guilt. He snaps at DD and is terrified he's turning into his Dad.

[RhondaJean]

Has he ever had any counselling for it?

[ScarletLady02]

A few years ago, but he was only allowed 6 sessions and it finished...he kind of feels let down by doctors...like he's tried to get help and he never gets it so why bother. I say you need to persevere and try with a different GP etc He is quite stubborn.

[RhondaJean]

I can understand him feeling let down. DH was sent for relaxation sessions and stress management sessions, he felt they were useless.

I'm just thinking that your DH has got to address his issues before he can deal with them. He has also got to be ready to do that.

It's really hard for you at the moment because it's almost impossible to know if he's feeling he wants out of your relationship because of his mental health or not. All you can do is take great care of yourself and be gentle with him.

[silvermirror]

6sessions thats rediculous, it can take that just to get a rappour, trust ect...

It sounds like yr husband could be suffering post traumatic stress Disorder which will require spersific treatments, he will need to be assessed for a diagnosis.

I would look for a psychologist that treats trauma issues.

I would recommend an organisation called Relate.

They offer all sorts of therapies councilling, even for children.

[ScarletLady02]

I spoke to Relate last night...it's just so hard to get "proper" help on the NHS and we have no money.

PTSD is something that occurred to me actually...his childhood was pretty horrific...and he's terrified of becoming his Dad. He so angry.

[silvermirror]

Relate is a charity.

Go to yr local citizens advice burure and ask if there is any organisations that support adults of childhood physical abuse, or PTSD .

Look for independant Therapy services with councillors and psychologists there maybe a reduce fee for certainbenefit recievers or a small donation.

If yr thinking it could be PTSD then research this further.

I did read yr other post in relationships and I think his alcohol and drug abuse could be to drownd out the memories he experienced as a toddlerchildyoungboy.

It was not yr Husbands fault what his Father did to him when he was a little Boy.

[ScarletLady02]

He knows it wasn't...but it is largely responsible for his behaviour today....and it is also not OUR fault so I can't keep putting me and my DD through this, even though I love him. I'm willing to try as much as I can to help him through it...I love him very much and his good side shows me an amazing man who was treated in a hideous way as a young child.

I will look into all those things you've suggested thank-you. I hope we can come trough this together, but if we can't I still want to be a support to him. His (and my) mental health is more important than our relationship.

[Snipface]

I've been there with my DH, though again a different reason (bipolar). I feel for you. X

. If you think he really is suicidal, and at serious risk of harming himself, I would be demanding an urgent referral to the community mental health team from the gp (or turning up at the hospital if at immediate risk).

It sounds like he needs more professional help than he has been offered, and you may have to do some fighting to get it. I don't know a huge amount about PTSD, but there may be medication that could help your dh

[ScarletLady02]

Thank-you...

I don't feel like it's an "immediate" risk...but it is something he's been thinking about and I think he's had to remove himself from our home as he knows he needs to sort his problems (finally)

I honestly feel if he was going to actually go and do it....he would do it and not give me warning as he'd know I'd talk him out of it...so the fact he's told me says (from what I know of him...we've been together 6 years) that he DOES want help.

[HoopHopes]

He needs to ask for a referral to a psychiatrist for diagnosis. With a diagnosis then more likely to get the appropriate treatment. Sadly as so many people want and get free NHS counselling it has meant that for people that need more than 6 sessions it is really hard to get more as much funding has gone into good access for all people no matter what there issue is. ( not saying it is wrong for people to get quick and free counselling for all issues but it has diluted the resource). To get more help therefore will need an official mental diagnosis and be referred from there.

Charities like mind and rethink may have options for group support or some free sessions. Remember Samaritans are free to hone at anytime too.

[ScarletLady02]

Thanks so much for all the suggestions, I'd hate to leave it and get to the point I'm explaining to our DD where her Daddy has gone.

[Glenshee]

Hope you're ok, OP, just adding my support