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Very dark thoughts. Please help.

(43 Posts)
timesarehard Mon 16-Sep-13 17:54:42

I always thought this only happened to other people but here I am.

I'm a regular but have namechanged. I have been feeling low for a while but this has escalated rapidly over the last couple of weeks.

Today has been my lowest day. Thoughts of wanting it all to be over have crept in today. I'm so scared.

Hooleywhipper Thu 19-Sep-13 08:00:45

You will get through this OP, I have been there. Unlike you I did not ask
For help but I should have done. Well done on getting friends to help. You are strong, you will do this.

Chopstheduck Wed 18-Sep-13 12:19:19

You msot certainly ARE strong and independent! You are doing all the right things, reaching out for help, taking the ADs and talking to people about how you feel.

It is a medical imbalance, an illness like any other, and there is no shame in seeking help while you recover.

I hope the medication kicks in soon for you and you start to feel better. I think you are brilliant though, for making sure you get the support for you and the children. It isn't easy always to reach out.

ColouringInQueen Wed 18-Sep-13 09:43:57

Oh well done on asking for help from your friend. I know exactly how you feel - I was the same when I was bad, feeling like a failure because I couldn't cope. But everyone needs help sometimes. If you'd broken your leg you wouldn't think twice about asking for help with the kids etc... so at the moment, your heads poorly, and you need some help.

Many people say that depression is not a sign of weakness it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long...

But as you say, you will get through this. Take care.

timesarehard Wed 18-Sep-13 09:35:22

A friend is coming. I feel like such a failure. The GP wanted to.prescribe me diazepam but I am still breastfeeding. I detest feeling like this. I am so strong and independent and well rounded and I can't believe that I've had to ask for so much help.

I will get through this!!

ColouringInQueen Wed 18-Sep-13 09:30:05

Oh that sounds rubbish - sympathies. Is there anyone who can come and keep you company today? Any family or friend? Do you have all DC at home with you.

Can you speak to your GP on the phone and explain how bad things are? They'll sometimes prescribe you something extra short term to ease you through if the anxiety is unmanageable.

Ten minutes at a time. Thinking of you.

timesarehard Wed 18-Sep-13 08:11:10

This is hell. I've never felt so ill. I was up all night being sick. I can't eat a thing and can't get out of bed. How the hell do I look after the children? So scared.

BasketzatDawn Tue 17-Sep-13 18:52:48

It is quite common to feel worse before you get better when starting ADs. It's happened to me. And it's in the leaflets too. What I decided, after a bad time before, is that the dark thoughts are the illness, the trick is to do nothing about them, then they do gradually go when the meds kick in. I hope that doesn't sound trite. You've done the right thing, OP, in talking to your HV and Dr. and others, even posting on here. You aren't alone.

In a sense, all you can do is do the minimum - make sure the children are safe and fed, eat something yourself, expect nothing for a few weeks, then hopefully the fog will start to lift. The good effect of ADs takes a few weeks. For me, this time, the fog began to lift after 2 weeks. Now in 5th week on Sertraline and dark thoughts are going bit by bit. If I get tired after doing too much, they come back. Bastards grin. Hope that helps, OP. Take care.

AmyFlower Tue 17-Sep-13 17:36:50

Glad you are feeling a bit better. The shivering may be because you haven't eaten. Hope you continue to improve.

peachypips Tue 17-Sep-13 17:36:36

It can be a side effect or you could be poorly! Just keep going.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 15:10:30

I'm here. The health visitor was great. She really seemed to understand. I'm really cold and shivery, is that a side effect or am I also poorly. I can't make sense of how I'm feeling.

ZipIt Tue 17-Sep-13 14:53:03

Hi times. Sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. I know it may not sound appealing but can you get some meal replacement drinks (e.g., strawberry/chocolate Complan with a straw) from the chemist/supermarket? I know how very hard it is to get food down when you're having problems like this. Meal drinks can take a tiny bit of the stress away. Hope you feel better soon. Stick with it, getting through one moment at a time.

peachypips Tue 17-Sep-13 13:28:09

Hi love. I remember feeling like I wasn't there for my children too. I just couldn't cope with being around them as it made my anxiety worse. The guilt makes it worse too.
Do you know what though? You will be better in a month and they won't remember it. DS1 said to me the other day 'why do you never cry mum?' I could have answered 'I did nothing but cry for a lot of your preschool years!'. He has totally forgotten it. Just tell you older ones you are poorly and you will be better soon. They will understand that.
I remember wondering how I was going to get through the next minute let alone the next few weeks until the drugs worked. Time will pass though, and you will be well. Just survive and get as much help as you possibly can with the children.

Chopstheduck Tue 17-Sep-13 13:20:57

hey there, thinking of you smile

How did the meeting with the HV go?

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 10:26:41

Thank you everyone. You are really helping. I've asked my DH if he can take a few days off (it's unlikely). I just want to sleep. Dealing with it all just seems a huge mountain to climb.

GRW Tue 17-Sep-13 10:09:11

Well done for managing to eat something and asking for help. Your health visitor should be able to liaise with your GP. It is understandable that you feel guilty, but it's not your fault that you are unwell. With the right support your children will get you back. Thinking of you.

Chopstheduck Tue 17-Sep-13 10:06:27

I;'m glad you managed to eat something and get the HV out. This will pass, and you will get better for your children. It is very hard, and it often feels like there is no end to it, but little by little the cloud will lift. xx

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 09:54:53

I've had some cereal. The health visitor is coming at eleven. I just feel so guilty that my lovely children haven't got their mummy at the moment. It's just so sad.

ColouringInQueen Tue 17-Sep-13 09:49:50

Thinking of you this morning. If you're still feeling really bad its ok to speak to the gp again. I spoke with mine on the phone/in person for about 4 days when I was at my worst. Do you have a friend or relative that can keep you company, even if its to watch tv together. Hope yoive managed to have a snack. Even a glass of milk and a biscuit is better than mothing. Take care.

Chopstheduck Tue 17-Sep-13 09:30:50

Do you have anyone who can be with you?

Do try to eat something, however small. You are doing so well, you've been to the GP and you have started medication. It DOES take a while to kick in. Don't think about the day, just plan for the next hour, make yourself a cuppa and a slice of toast.

Would you like to talk about what you are finding hard atm?

GRW Tue 17-Sep-13 09:24:04

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Please do ring the health visitor, tell her you're feeling desperate and ask her to come out. If she can't for any reason she may help you to get an emergency appointment with your GP today.

HoopHopes Tue 17-Sep-13 09:22:26

Also you need to eat. If you do not eat or drink fluids you will begin to stop and not be able to so things. So find yourself a drink and a snack if you can. Small and regular bits of food is ok if cannot manage meals. But if you want to feel better eating and drinking is part of it, as our bodies begin to not work as well without fuel.

HoopHopes Tue 17-Sep-13 09:20:52

Do phone up the health visitor. She may not be able to come out straight away but you can at least book a slot to see her. Can you look at when your next health clinic is, ours are once a week in different places so you will know where health visitor is if it is sooner than an individual slot.

Asking a friend to take dc is great, that is using support and sometime we all need that.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 08:48:58

Thank you. I just don't know how I'm going to get.through today. I'm physically shaking.

Sweetsweep Tue 17-Sep-13 08:44:10

I am here, but my knowledge is limited.

I dont know if the health visitor will come up or not. I would ring up and ask. Good time to ring right now I would have thought. Say that it is quite urgent.

timesarehard Tue 17-Sep-13 08:37:58

Is anyone about? Feeling so low.

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