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Right, need to sort myself out. Help me do it, please?

(14 Posts)
LollipopViolet Sat 14-Sep-13 23:33:28

So, at the moment, I'm undergoing a bit of a transformation. I am finally tackling my weight issues, I've got myself a job after 12 months of searching, after graduating from university, and last year I managed to leave a 1 year relationship that I wasn't happy in. All is going well.

Except, I'm still not "happy".

The back story to this is long, but the short version is, bullied from end of Y6 to end of Y11, and a bit in college. Secondary was so bad I was suicidal at various points, although never tried.

I have zero self confidence, my self esteem is very low, and very fragile, and I am very anxious - about lots of things. What new people will think of me, whether I'm good enough at my job, whether I'll ever be good enough for someone to love me. I think I'm ugly, weird and generally don't like myself all that much.

I am the only single person in my group of friends, and one of only 3 who still live at home. I worry about that, too.

I also don't deal with stress well, and put too much pressure on myself at times, like at work - I've only been in the job a month and I'm already frustrated because I still keep making errors, and am anxious in case my contract is terminated at the end of my 3 months probation.

The stress also leads to comfort eating, so I self-sabotage my progress (Slimming World is very good for me though, finding that really helpful).

Thing is, I am doing really well with this, but I think to be truly happy, I need to fix my brain, and I think a big part of that is accepting one key fact, that there's <something> not quite right in terms of my mental health.

So, how do I fix this??

defineme Sun 15-Sep-13 00:30:11

I had counselling prescribed by by my Gp for anxiety and I also found cognitive behavioural 'diy' therapy books (just search on Amazon) very helpful.
Anti depressants gave me the mental breathing space to help myself.

You have been through an awful lot, but you can dig yourself out of this mental must be very strong to have got through school and got to university.

Don't be afraid to ask for help-I went to my gp a few times and had to be very detailed about how I felt before I was offered counselling and ads.

LollipopViolet Sun 15-Sep-13 10:56:08

I know I need to ask for some help, but that's what I'm afraid of doing. I'm afraid they'll tell me there's nothing wrong and that I'm fine.

fuzzpig Sun 15-Sep-13 11:11:09

I am struggling a lot at the moment too. One thing my psychologist recommended is to write down positive things every day to build up evidence against low self esteem, negative thoughts etc. I started a thread on this here (sorry for shameless plug there!) and although I rolled my eyes initially it is really nice to be able to put a good spin on any day.

Also, have you ever looked at mindfulness/acceptance therapy? Its idea is that sometimes it is not helpful to fight against it, there is too much pressure (from media, culture etc) to be perfectly happy and extroverted all the time, when actually it is perfectly ok to be sad/stressed sometimes, it doesn't make you a bad person.

I read a really good book called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. Worth a look if you can find it in your library.

Physically, I am taking lots of vitamins now (due to physical health problems) and that is helping too, haven't had any of my usual bugs. Also rather than trying to diet I am making more effort to include lots of lovely healthy things in my food shop (nuts, berries etc) rather than focusing on trying to give up stuff if that makes sense.

Make sure you take time for yourself every day, cliche but true.

Sorry that was all garbled

LollipopViolet Sun 15-Sep-13 12:07:47

Fuzzpig I saw your thread, and think that's a really great thing to do - it's a good starting point for me, I think. I've got a kindle so will have a look for some books to read, and go from there.

It's weird, but actually having written all that down last night, has helped - I can't hide from it anymore, it's in black and white. Now it's time to make a start on the next chapter of the story smile

I'm off to post on the positive things thread smile

LollipopViolet Mon 16-Sep-13 21:57:05

Hmmm, we have some progress, and a comment that makes me want to smack my head against a wall.

Saw some relatives on Sunday (they came up from where they live to see my granddad in hospital, and called in on the way). One relative is rather... old fashioned in his ways and beliefs, and during a chat was asking if I was single. I said, I am, but I'm happy, and he said, "How old are you? 23? That's the age a girl should be thinking about settling down." I told him I needed to find the right person first, and we changed the subject.

Anyway, as they were leaving, he starts up again, "I expect to see you with a man next time I see you."

Ugh, I already put lots of pressure on myself about this, I didn't need that!

However, I'm making some progress smile I was talking to a friend later that day about the visit, and he said a lovely thing. "Your life is, as yet, unwritten. The important thing is, you find someone who makes you happy, and who you don't have to change for. Don't try and plan your life based on other people's expectations of you." I could've hugged him! He's a very good friend, and knows what I'm like, he and his wife have been there for me through some difficult times in recent years.

Also, I had a review at work today, with my boss. He's happy, says I need to keep improving and not get distracted quite so often blush but that he's noticed I do put a lot of pressure on myself, and that although that can be a good thing, because I'm driven to improve, it's something he's noticed, and I need to make sure I'm not putting unrealistic expectations on myself IYSWIM?

It's small progress, but it's there. Now, off to look at some books to read smile

LollipopViolet Wed 25-Sep-13 21:13:29

Oh no, it's all coming apart at the seams... sad

Work is just, awful. I'm not good at the job, I don't enjoy it, there's double standards and I'm doing the work of two people because a colleague is allowed to do website stuff instead of our main job (calling people and answering inbound calls) so I'm having to pick up the slack, and i'm getting comments about my work rate needing to improve!" They've changed my hours without consultation and I felt I couldn't say there was a problem when I was asked, as it was done in such a way as to say "if there's an issue, tough."

They've said the company is going in the direction of "if you're not a superstar at your job, we don't want you, and will ask you to leave." I'm so scared they'll end my contract when my probation is up.

But, I'm also hating it so much I just want to serve my week's notice and leave, but with no new job to go to, I'd be stuck re: JSA, as I'd be leaving voluntarily sad

LollipopViolet Wed 25-Sep-13 21:14:31

Add to that, my granddad is still ill, and is undergoing surgery on Friday to take a biopsy from his lung, and you've got a very stressed LV who has put on 3.5lbs this week and sobbed all over her Slimming World consultant tonight (who was lovely, by the way).

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 25-Sep-13 21:24:03

You don't have to be a perfect anything.

Do the best you can at your job, do your best to take care of yourself, your friends and loved ones. Then stop worrying. Worrying is not some protective force, it is just an unproductive use of energy.

We all have our scars and wounds from growing up, I'm sure they affected you, but you know what, you survived them because you are inherently strong.

Keep doing the right things for you.

In terms of work, write a carefully worded email that you are covering the calls alone and you are aware that whilst you are going at full pelt,that is not going to be the same as two members of staff doing it. Suggest any positive improvements you could make. Then stop over thinking.

I don't mean to make light of these things, but it has taken me a good few years to realise that my best is all I can do, not everything is in my control and that my best is actually pretty good.

You have managed the teenage years in difficult circumstances, got qualified, found a job and kept yourself well. Look after your food intake and try again this week.

Now, get some rest so you are ready to grab Thursday by the balls!

LollipopViolet Fri 08-Nov-13 22:43:03

Well, I'm back. Was doing pretty well, but am now struggling again. Work is better, we've got 2 more girls in the office now so the balance is much nicer, some of the workload has been lifted so I'm much happier there.

But, at the same time, I just feel like I've achieved nothing, in almost 24 years. I've been on Slimming World since February, and due to various ups and downs have only lost 1 stone 4 of about 4 stone I need to. Other people who started later are nearly at their targets, why do I keep self-sabotaging?!

Think I might start keeping a journal - see if there are any patterns emerging.

Really, I should go and see my GP. This has been happening on and off for YEARS. But that's a bit of a scary step!

LollipopViolet Fri 08-Nov-13 22:44:55

Also, through procrastinating on the Internet, I've STILL not got anything done for an event I've got a stand at in a week - aaaargh! Think this new journal may contain to do lists as well!

HoopHopes Fri 08-Nov-13 23:08:22

Hi, how about write those positives down:
I HAVE lost 1st 4lbs
I have a lovely SW leader who is supporting me on my journey

Rather than be critical of what you have not done? You say you feel you have achieved nothing, yet I read:
I have a group of friends
I have successfully ended a relationship that was not right for me and am not jumping into wrong relationships
I have graduated from University ( therefore done ok in school and uni exams)
I have a job ( and many people take time to get them, high unemployment figures etc)

Being kind to oneself is a really helpful tool. So your positive journal ( have a separate to do list as that could be critical?) may be a great start. Also saying positive things to yourself, to remind you how well you are doing?

Regarding sabotaging diets etc, I have done SWand everyone there is on their own journey - you cannot compare yourself to other people, you are only responsible for you, that is why it is not a group weigh in but an individual weigh in etc ( they may lose weight but not have a uni degree or a job etc etc ... It is a slippery slope, comparison)

Would doing some regular exercise help? Meet new people at a class, help with body magic at SW and raise your hormone levels as exercise makes chemical feel good changes? Could be anything from beginners running, a walking group, yoga, dance etc?

LackaDAISYcal Fri 08-Nov-13 23:25:52

fab advice fomr hoophopes <takes notes>

You have come so far and done so well. Look at the achievements and take comfort and inspiration from them rather than focussing on the negatives. Easier said than done, but you are doing great and have good supprt. We all have off days, but you are still seeming quite determined to get where you want to be. Don't let an off week put you off completely xx

LollipopViolet Tue 12-Nov-13 21:40:02

Have had a couple of better days - still eating too much bread and chocolate, but have cut back from what I was eating last week, so that's OK. One step at a time.

I'm going to order some new ice skating clothes in a bit, for my birthday next month smile I love ice skating - I'm learning to figure skate and I feel so happy and free when I'm on the ice.

I saw a single, big, bright star in the sky above my house tonight when I got home from work. I think it was my Granddad shining down on us, keeping us all safe. We're going to bring him home in a few days (his ashes, anyway). We've decided to keep him with us - I'm not sure how I feel about it tbh.

Also, my manager set me a target to call 60 people at work today, and I hit it. That made me feel good, I've had so many worries about my job performance.

I find, when I'm with people, I'm OK. When I'm alone and I've got time to think, then things start to go awry and I think bad things about myself.

I was alone at work for a lot of Friday, and things got so stressful I ended up making a mistake, then panicking about it and ringing one of the supervisors in tears - to his credit, he was lovely, and watched the shop while I had 5 minutes to regain my composure. Then my manager came over to see how I was. It would've been DGranddad's birthday, so I knew it was going to be a hard day.

I've still not got my journal - will look in Tesco on Thursday morning before work, won't have a lot of time tomorrow morning.

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