just need an ear or hand or a something? please help or just talk?

[mouses]

most have probably read my dull depressive threads, i suffer with depression, anxiety, i panic alot, have bad mood swings, spending sprees, animal hoarding, i get angry, cant think straight. hear voices, see things, last night there were people, shadows peeping round the doors making me scared so scared that i didnt want to open my eyes or turn my head incase they were there. sat on my bed with pointed tweezers scratching away at my legs again. then was annoyed that it didnt leave more a mark in the morning. ive gone insane!

been back and forth to the gp for 2yrs (thought it was all normal until then!) on fluoxetine for a year, had an assessment last month and awaiting psyhciatrist list.

i cant even concentrate on what i want or need to say and this prob wont make no sense. im so overwhelmed by this illness it seems to be getting worse and eating awayat me bit by bit, first my childhood, my social life then my partner, my pets, now my kids are next!
im finding it really hard to deal with this and run the house and kids. my eldest has just gone to secondary school and its really strict, he must have all his equiptment, be well dressed etc and im finding it exhausting to make sure his pens are ok, he has right pe kit, that he leaves with everything... he got a strike on his first day because half his shirt was hanging out! i felt so angry and aggresive that i wanted to go to the school hurt them, but didnt want him to be kicked out.

i cant sit and do homework with them, dd goes nursery in 11 days and needs to be read her book, i just know it wont be done as it never happened with the boys. half the time i dont know what day their homework is, what their teachers name is! im a failure as a mother, wish i could be better, how i imagened i would be, not like this. im not enjoying it, this illness has made me hate being a parent.

now im thinking (again) of handing them over to their dad so he can give them a better chance of a childhood, well whats left of it. my dd wont go with any one so she will have to stay with me. she's too young to understand and fully dependant on me. i feel so bad the thoughts there, that i gave up on them! scared and ashamed they will grow up twisted and confused like me. i cant keep them but dont want to fail them any longer. i dont know what i m suppose to do?

[WithConfidence]

I don't know your history op but really don't give up being a mother to your kids just because ds' shirt was hanging out and you missed some reading. I know there might be more to it than that but they need you because you are their mother.

My memory is also shot. Can you make lists of homework days, teachers etc. And the eldest must be old enough to take some responsibility for some of this himself. Yes he might get some more strikes but he will learn. Ask him to help with the lists and getting his own things ready and you check it.

Will dd being at nursery give you a bit of time to sort yourself and house out? Or use the time to do something relaxing so you can cope better when you need to.

I know it is so hard to feel like you are not the parent you wanted to be but we can only deal with what we have.

[mouses]

i feel like i dont deserve the status 'mother' and that they will hurt but think it was for the right reason in future, hopefully?

i made a note of last yrs homework table and teachers, when it came to homework night i was too busy curled up on the sofa or doing over the top cleaning to remember or sometimes they just went out to play and i found the peace nice and left them to have fun! its so bad of me but if it makes me cope better i let it happen.

my eldest is very immature for his age, acts stupid, doesnt take responsibilty serious. when i tell him off he goes into depressed mode himself saying i might as well ground him for life, he cant ever do any thing right, always messes up. which makes me feel its my doing.

my near 9yr old once told me he dont deserve family and might as well be dead! he's been hard work from the start, either crying or having angry burst. never happy. just what i remember as a child! ive damaged them.

dd has been going to preschool since jan so im used to having 2 mornings away from her, it depends how im feeling at the time. some days i do more house work while she's there, other i aint got motivation to get off the sofa. i do housework everyday, prob have ocd traits as its has to be done. poor kids cant play with out me breathing down their necks cos of possible mess!

im not dealing with anything right now and im slowly ridding my life life of its contents, maybe so theres nothing to leave behind.

[maniclady]

You sound exactly the same as me op. I have a diagnosis but a few years ago I was exactly where you are now. Can I ask a question do you know you are seeing/hearing things all the time?

Please hold on to your dc at least until you have some diagnosis and meds things may get much better. I feel like a shit mum because my De attendance is in the 80s because I'm to I'll to get him to school alot.

I always forget homework it's a challenge for me to make sure they are fed and watered some days. As a result I often think of killing myself to free them from it. You are not alone options we are not all perfect and a shirt untouched and a book not read is really not the end of the world. Concentrate on what matters which is getting help so you can be the person/mum you want to be.

[maniclady]

Oops x posted

[mouses]

sorry 4 days not 2. dd is well behaved so doesnt stress me that much, what does is how bad i feel that she entertains herself most the time cos her pathetic mother cant help. it hurts so deep not to be able to be a proper mum, function better, give them hugs and kisses, say i love you etc. dont say they dont deserve a better parent? i know they need something better or they will be just like me if they al ready aint.

[mouses]

they diagnosed me as depressed, i refused to accept it and requested to see a psychiatrist like my gp said i needed. ive been trying to find out whats wrong with me for ages i looked into bipolar, bpd but they say what they think.

i dont understand what you mean by how do i know? sorry im not the brightest either. i see people with distorted faces, i see a dead body laying in my bath, someone hanging from my shower pole, the dark knots on my wooden floor one night were bugs crawling, my dogs mouth once looked like a zombie warewolfs mouth full of drewl and huge teeth. voices telling me im a coward, that im no good at any thing, once told me to leave my home (which i did) i walked and walked, they kept telling me my dd and boyfriend have had enough of me and i should just kill myself. i used to think it was my inner voice but since being on this forum ive realised what i thought was normal, isnt!

my dss have been taking themselves to school for the last 2yrs cos icant get up and motivated, my dd is supposed to be in for 9, some days she dont get there others its more like 10am.

i always feel like killing myself is THEIR only hope and freedom from me, dinner the other night was pot noodle cos i couldnt cook, i actually forgot to cook for them one day last week (cant even remember what day!) it was only when my boy said he was hungry i realised theyd had no dinner. then blamed him for being out in the communal garden playing all evening and not asking. they need saving from me!

[WithConfidence]

What is their dad like? Do you think they would want to live with him - don't think about them getting away from you but what they would actually get out of living with him? Think of it as a reality. Do you feel terrified or would it give you some space to get yourself back on track? I'm not saying you should do it but try and think it through rationally.

'Proper mum' is very vague but why do you feel you don't hug or kiss or say I Love You them enough? That could be a small aim to set yourself each day, a hug each. And then congratulate yourself each day for having done it but don't beat yourself up if you don't, just aim to do it the next day. (This is the kind of thing my therapist has suggested to me.)

Can you speak to the school and ask them to help at all? Frankly I say do what you need to to cope in the short term, as long as they are not in danger.

[maniclady]

I asked because ime it describes the level of psychosis you are experiencing see when psychotic I see things like you describe but sometimes I know that I'm seeing things and it's not really there then I am mildly psychotic. Sometimes . Believe no matter what anyone tells me that the psychotic vision is real and I will get angry when told it is not iyswim.

Either way it sounds to me like you need to call crisis or go to a and e.

[WithConfidence]

Noodles are fine once in a while, have seen it on the What's for dinner threads before . My ds gets cold bits (ham, crumpets, fruit etc) for meals a lot as he is fussy and sometimes I just can't cope with cooking.

The things you see and hear sound very distressing. Have you told all this to gp? It sounds very serious to me, not just depression. Have you been able to identify what triggers it, eg tiredness?

Just by the accident of birth, because you are their mum, they love you and need you. My brother is dead (we don't know exactly what happened, could have been suicide) and it is very hard for his child to deal with even with an amazing step dad as a replacement parent.

[mouses]

i asked them what they thought about going to live with their dad, eldest said no other said yes. itcaused more pain as i didnt want to split them up. didnt know what was for the best so nothing has been mention since except me shouting at them one day that if they dont behave they will be going with out a choice. just nasty of me.

their dad is an arse, thinks he is dad of the yr showing off that he has his boys every other wk end, picking them up at 10 or 11am dropping back at half 6pm, doesnt have them in the holidays. thinks toys will make up for love and time spent with them. by no mean least am i saying im any better parent, if i wasnt ill id like to think id be beter?

i know he dont deserve them but i dont want social services involved and he probsbly wouldnt give them back when i recover?! im scare because of the trauma it will cause them, but at the same time i feel it may help relieve me of some of the stresses? i guess im terrified of failing either way.

[mouses]

manic not many people know what i see, dont have friends so no one to tell me its not real. when the assessment team can i was annoyed at them when they told me it was just my imagenation running wild. i know what i saw and i see it repeatidly. so i dont know what it comes under. so confused.

withconfidence - ive told my gp, is why she refered the A&A team. meaningto go back to her and ask for another assessment but just cant bring myself to go and be disappointed again. they probably just think im attention seeking, worse people out there, not needing their help etc. so why bother them again?

im sorry to hear about your brothers passing, i try to think of the hurt it will cause but it never feels like i will be better, its horrible to wake up each day knowing its goingto be hell!.

[WithConfidence]

they probably just think im attention seeking, worse people out there, not needing their help etc. so why bother them again?

If they think that they are not very good at their jobs. Unfortunately mental health services are really stretched in some areas. You have to tell yourself that the point is, if you get help, it could really improve your dc's lives. Push them for some more support, not (just) for yourself but for your dc.

Your life sounds so hard. I'm sorry.

[mouses]

i say that because when i tell them how im feeling i always get ''other people cant get out of bed all day or dont get dressed or dont know their spending hundered of pounds''

on person said i cant be that bad cos i make it to my (at the time) havco course. then at the mind appointment i got the same speech about how bad some people are and that i got there! so it makes me feel im bothering them for nothing.

ive been trying to get help for over a year, trying to tell them its more then depression. i just dont know any more.

[WithConfidence]

But maybe they aren't trying to say "oh other people are worse off than you, stop moaning." but trying to point out that you aren't alone and actually you have done really well to achieve XYZ considering how ill you are.

I don't know what to say but I don't want you to give up hope because there is good help out there if you can access it.

[mouses]

thats ok, its hard to know what to say sometimes. i had a friend years ago who had a break down and i didnt know what to say or do to help. talking just helps a little i dont feel so alone.

it doesnt come across that way to me, when they came i just felt like that they ticked me off in the 'another depressed person box' and get in the queue for some one to bother with you. i know i sound horrendous but thats how i feel. i appreciate your time on replying.

[HoopHopes]

Hi did you tell the gp or assessor what you put here: children taking selves to school for 2 yrs, obsessive cleaning, not able to cope with demands of 3 children in different school situations, not getting dd to nursery on time? If you told them everything they may assess you in different way as know what you struggle to do?

Perhaps when you get your psychiatrists appointment why not write down everything you practically struggle with due to your mental health issues? It is the only way for them to diagnose or treat you if they kiwi everything. If you tell them you have 3 children and cope fine then they will say you are doing ok in an over stretched NHS. Most likely. As you have found.

[mouses]

yes i told the assesor, she said she has observed the home and my dc's, she says they are up and dressed, the house in clean. she has no worries that the dc's are in any neglect. she told me she she was the mental health department of social services??

as you say they have most likely looked at my situation and think im coping ok, maybe i didnt let it show how bad i was in fear of them walking out with my dc's?

i know its stupid as im talking about giving them to their dad, but i dont want them all to be taken into care while a decision is made. their dad doesnt have his own home he lives in his friends spare room. if that explains better? so im scared they will be placed in foster home.

[mouses]

im still with dds dad although he lives with his parents, he works full time. hid dad works and his mum has health issues.

[HoopHopes]

They do not just take children away from their mums due to mental health issues. If they are concerned they out support in place and help. Having social care involvement is one way of jumping up the queue for therapy as well. By you do not have social care involvement and they are not concerned.

It is tricky. If you are not really honest about what life is like for you and your children then you will not get the help you need. As you are finding out. Professional help comes in different guises: medication, diagnosis, short term counselling and cbt, family support worker, children's centre support if have child under age of 5, crisis team short term involvement, group therapy which tends to be longer and so on.

You are requesting official diagnosis and whilst that is happening it is unlikely anything but short term crisis help can be offered as you now have a dr you are waiting to see so until they have had their input you are already in the system. The psychiatrist can do diagnosis and medication and have an input into where you should be treated but that is all the psychiatrist generally does; they do not do any of the support themselves as it were after diagnosis. If you can tell your psychiatrist what assessment you already had, the diagnosis and why you requested a psych involvement and how difficult it is at home with three children as a single mum they may be able to suggest appropriate care package.

[mouses]

i dont mean to moan about the services, i know they're stretched. im just calling out for help i suppose. its a scary place to cope on my own and appear well to the neighbourhood.

sorry

[HoopHopes]

You are seeking help, you have been to gp, had an assessment and requested a psychiatric appointment. What other help do you want? What help do you want, in what form? If you know what you need or want it is easier to know when you got it or to ask for it. Or know where to ask for it.

Have you asked your HV to see you as they vcan refer to you for support also.

[mouses]

please dont get angry with me, i just want some one to talk to

[HoopHopes]

How has today been for you? Hope tomorrow is a bit easier for you.

[mouses]

hi hoop

not had good days, didnt mean to damper mn the other night. but thanks for your time to read.

[HoopHopes]

Oh sorry bit great days that is not nice