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:( :( :(

(30 Posts)
DumDum32 Fri 23-Aug-13 23:09:01

ok so have distracted myself all day with teying to potty train my DD & offer help & advice to another MN poster re benefits. Great accept night has started & so have my troubles.

Bit of background - suffer from severe depression with psychosis (hallucinations, voices), GAD and PTSD. On many heavy duty meds which wipe me the F* out. also have Fibro, joint problems, mechanical lower back problems & low vitD.

Im trying to come off one particular med which have caused me to gain an enormous amount of weight the only problem is now im having really bad symptoms! I cant bring myself to take the medication as the voices on my head are stopping me. i think i need to tell someone bit at the same time i dont want to cause i know they will make me take it. Stupid i know but i really cant deal with the weight gain! Ok this is sounding stupid even as i write it sad

Maybe i should ring the samaritans or something? no probably another stupid idea they got better things to do then deal with idioits like me. I should just take a zopiclone & try sleeping.

No need for replies people im just having a moment.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 23-Aug-13 23:13:29

You feel free to have a moment, i hope you dont mind me answering smile You are NOT an idiot - your post is too well written for that!

Has anything triggered you off tonight? Im happy to listen?

And taking a zopiclone and getting some sleep isn't such a bad idea either!

I post on a thread on here about the "village fete" have a look for it, lots of ladies iwth similar issues - you will find you fit right in and there is lots of support.

As an aside, i think ive just been bitten by a sodding spider! hmm ouch

LEMisdisappointed Fri 23-Aug-13 23:15:06

Oh and do read the samaritans, they are there to support people and listen, they wont judge you in any way.

MummyBeerest Fri 23-Aug-13 23:16:25

Been there OP.

You're not stupid. You're awesome.

DumDum32 Fri 23-Aug-13 23:22:00

Thanks LEM i will look that thread up.

Ive been having rather disturbing hallucinations last few days to the point i feel terrified by them. The voices dont help neither when the hallucinations are bad. I could just start having my normal med but i just cant bring myself to take it - its like the swallowing action goes when it comes to that med confused

The worse part has been for me that even my prayers are not helping which they usually do sad

Ok i need to go have a zopiclone!

LEMisdisappointed Fri 23-Aug-13 23:26:57

I do think if the voices are stopping you from taking your meds you need to let your mental health team know asap. Do they know you are trying to come off that one?

Zopis are great - although i find that late night TV has a similar affect just now!

DumDum32 Fri 23-Aug-13 23:27:04

Thanks mummybeerest smile

DumDum32 Fri 23-Aug-13 23:29:56

The only thing i hate about them is the foul taste in the mouth the next day!

Yes they know im trying to come off them & i havd been doing ot gradually. There was talk off adding another med but im on so many meds as it is i refused a replacement but i may not have a choice now sad

LEMisdisappointed Fri 23-Aug-13 23:45:47

oh yes, i forgot about the vile taste - they are minging i agree! worth it for some sleep though!

DumDum32 Sat 24-Aug-13 10:58:55

I got a good night sleep thanks to sleeping pill. Have woken up in a state though. Think need to take myself off to hospital but dont want to do it. Just going to get dressed & go out for a very long walk to where i dont know. Voices have been okasish but the images from hallucinations wont go away! 

LEMisdisappointed Sat 24-Aug-13 11:24:13

Yes, do go to the hospital - are hallucinations a normal part of your illness along with the voices? Can you tell the voices to fuck off? i guess you will have tried that - there is a lady on the village fete thread (i wont say who she is but she is lovely and caring) who struggles with voices. If they are not a normal thing then do please go to the hospital ASAP it could be your meds. I don't think you are safe honey - please go. I know its scary and forces things to happen but you have to keep safe so you can get better x

Glad you got a good night sleep though - i always find i wake up a bit WTF, where am i Disorientated after taking a zopi. I do tend to feel physically better though. Not sure about the affects on anxiety.

Go along to the hospital, if you nip this in the bud now it will be sorted quicker x

DumDum32 Sat 24-Aug-13 14:10:19

Didnt go for a walk felt filthy & disgusting. just laying in bed crying.! I know total wimp but i dobt to go hospital the amount of admissions ive had they will start considering taking my little one away!

Disabled lone parent witg re-occurring hospital admissions must be a gold case for them!

Little one is sitting on the big pc waching peppa pig & looks so happy. She has no idea what is going on in my stupid brain. Im so glad about that but soon she will know her mum is freaking cookoo what then.....

DumDum32 Sat 24-Aug-13 14:19:43

Just text the samaritans....

yellowballoons Sat 24-Aug-13 14:24:47


What people say on MN is that if you engage with people that can help you, then they dont take a child away.
It is when people repeatedly refuse to access help, is when they get concerned for a child.

DumDum32 Sat 24-Aug-13 14:27:07

Thanks yellowballoons.

DumDum32 Mon 26-Aug-13 10:26:48

Could have done with a lie in but little one up & crazy as ever in a good way. The stupid voices r of course trying to get me angry at her but no way will i let that happen. Its using up all my energy right now just ignoring them. Hoping it will a strong day & with no hallucinations!

DumDum32 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:34:16

Just feel like walking away....

Where to & why i just dnt care about. Just want to leave & buy a pack of cigarettes & smoke them somewhere in the open air sitting on a bench! Do i want to come back afterwards i just dont know......

My head is screaming at me the voices are sooooooo bad sad

LEMisdisappointed Tue 27-Aug-13 11:54:22

Can you go for a walk? put DD in her buggy and just walk somewhere? hopefully she will nod off? I am having to turn my computor off now as my anxiety is kicking in bigtime too so making myself do something, will think of you - ha! we can egg each other on..........

SnowyMouse Tue 27-Aug-13 12:45:27

Does anything help distract from the voices? Some people find listening to music helps.

DumDum32 Wed 28-Aug-13 18:58:55

Ok after a whole of being down yesterday i had a very happy day so far. But ot didnt last long as im feeling very angry right now!!!! Arghhh just want to scream!

DumDum32 Wed 28-Aug-13 19:08:10

Great ive just had a blow up with my mother! Hw evil & fucked up am I???

GoldenJackal Thu 29-Aug-13 09:36:33

Nice that you were happy day at least for the part of the day smile. I have been feeling better as well, but that means more hallucinations. Weird.

I read from the other discussion about your hallucinations that are not hallucinations. I do sometimes wonder if thing I saw was true or not. And probably some of them I believe being true. But I think what your doc could have meant is that you believe after seeing for example a red eye that a devil comes and possesses you etc. (could be something else he meant though).

DumDum32 Sun 01-Sep-13 19:25:05

GJ the annoying thing is I know they are fake hallucinations as such because I know they are not real but for some reason when my psychiatrist says it I get MAD. stupid I know. my hallucinations are not just images they are proper scenes. For example a few daysago one lf my friends took me for a drive & I swear to God I saw a meteoroid go past us and blew up everything surrounding it. At that moment in time it was rreal for me & I completely freaked was a good thing my friend was their to calm me down.

today has been very up & down. I've bee n having what I can only describe as brain zaps & restless legs sad

been ok all day but now that evening has started o cam feel the bad things starting like hallucination and fear. will be taking another zopiclone tonight to knock out sad

DumDum32 Mon 02-Sep-13 19:18:52

finally got the courage to ring my cmht. got an appt on Thursday just gotta stay normal till then although will be hard. the voices r not behaving themselves & hallucinations are just getting worse sad

GoldenJackal Mon 02-Sep-13 19:30:37

You probably need better meds. Lately I have had only images but I have had scenes as well. But the images are usually connected to other things.

Voices must be really disturbing. I have only experienced them couple of times. But constantly, omg.

Hopefully your appointment goes well smile.

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