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I find it impossible to ask people to do things for me

(8 Posts)
WellThatsLife Fri 16-Aug-13 19:13:17

I have got myself in a mess again. Basically I find it difficult to ask anyone to help me out if I think they may say no even if it is something i really need help with. I have a history of depression and anxiety. combined with shyness and panic attacks. I haven't been on any meds for years now but still get v anxious at times and the idea of asking anyone to help leaves me feeling v panicky.
dh doesn't get it and gets v frustrated at times

dd1 has a provisional dia

WellThatsLife Fri 16-Aug-13 19:17:18

Sorry dd1 had provisional dx of aspergers and i sudpect that i might have degree as well

i just don't know what to do, i know what i should do but i just can't seem to do it and i am so frustrated with myself

LetThereBeCupcakes Sun 18-Aug-13 18:14:38

Hi, well, I just wanted to say how much I understand how you feel, as I also can't ask for help. For me there's a real fear of rejection, both at the time of asking and afterwards. It's really a problem now as I have a 6 month old DS and I'm just not coping, plus my parents think I'm trying to keep DS away from them when in fact I'm just too scared to ask them to babysit.

I am trying to tackle this by asking people for small favours that don't matter much - eg asked a friend to look after a house p,ant whilst I was away. I figure I can work up to asking for bigger things like baby sitting.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

WellThatsLife Mon 19-Aug-13 00:13:35

I don't really, my husband tries but gets frustrated and my dsis leaves quite far away. Seems to be getting worse at the moment and my anxiety and insomnia seems to be creeping up on me as well. I'm just trying to get as much sleep as I can as i know from experience thats helps. I glad I'm not the only with this problem as your feelings reflect mine.

LetThereBeCupcakes Wed 21-Aug-13 20:07:44

My husband doesn't get it either - he comes from a big, supportive family. I don't. Can you visit your GP about the anxiety / insomnia? Perhaps they can help.

Do you have any hobbies? I know this sounds odd but I find it helps to lose myself in my craft room. It calms me.

heronsister Thu 22-Aug-13 10:31:26

It's hard when you need help (what mother doesn't, sometimes or often??) and find it hard to ask for it. Would it help to know that people love to give to others? It makes them feel good. Would it help to tell yourself, over and over, that if they say no it's much more likely to mean that they have a busy day, than that they are rejecting you? Starting by asking for small favours is a very good idea. If people say no, it is about them and their capacity to help, not about you. I wrote a post about asking for help...please let me know if helps and please let me know if doesn't!

LetThereBeCupcakes Thu 22-Aug-13 20:47:19

her on I like your post. It makes sense, I think. I know most people like to help and feel needed, unfortunately I am surrounded by people ( ie my parents) who like to remind me that I owe them, or that I am "a taker". Perhaps they are the problem.

Inthequietcoach Sun 25-Aug-13 07:06:19

Cupcakes, yes, it is your parents who are th problem, but unfortunately, you are the one who has to deal with its efect on you. My mum told me once she had put her life on hold by helping with dd. I don't ask her now. The other problem is people who make vaguely helpful noises, but then when you ask, let you down. And I mean, cancel at the last minute, be so late that you can't go, so you wish you had not asked.

So you get a vicious circle, because some people are not helpful, you do not like to ask anyone, and the people who would help think you are managing.

I like the idea of starting small. Also, when you have a little group who will help, reciprocate, however small. I can't do much but I take friends' dcs out and offer to pick things up at the shops, that kind of thing. It is really hard to reach out, both ways, when you come from a family which expects you to be self-sufficient.

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