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"Contemplating suicide" continued

(37 Posts)
BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 18:21:31

The first thread I made is about to be shut down cause it's gonna exceed maximum posts allowed. So I made this one.

CatsAndTheirPizza Wed 21-Aug-13 13:26:34

BT just in case you check in on us sometimes - I wanted to say that I hope you get the results you are looking for tomorrow. Hoping things are OK. cake[pizza]

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 18-Aug-13 23:25:59

BT I don't pray but I really wish you all the very best.

I do believe you are special and that you have a gift.

You've inspired some pretty heavy duty people here to stick with you and try to help, that's no mean feat.

It occurred to me just now that all successful writers have had demons to deal with, it makes sense.

Those people who have uneventful, satisfactory, ordinary lives, don't really have much to write about that would interest many other people.

You must have writers that you admire. Check out their life stories. I bet you every single one has had big mountains to climb to overcome some difficulty in their life. And when they reach the summit they write something that amazes and enriches the rest of us.

I really think you could be one of those people.



Apileofballyhoo Sun 18-Aug-13 21:36:05

I'll pray for you every day BT.

cjel Sun 18-Aug-13 20:04:07

Hey BT, Glad you are thinking of yourself. Hope to catch up again soon, and hear how your writing is going and all those strange games I don't understand. Look after yourselfx

BengalTiger Sun 18-Aug-13 20:01:49

I'm gonna take a break from this site for a lil while. At the moment I just feel like I need to be alone and deal with this. Thanks to everyone who has offered loads of great advice. I mean that.

Hope you all stay well.

mummylin2495 Sun 18-Aug-13 19:55:12

In my thoughts BT

working9while5 Sun 18-Aug-13 08:28:56

Lets not get into a bunfight. Lots of ways to skin a cat. Many people have got through this in many different ways. Medical treatment is a godsend for some but not always a magic bullet. I am also going to go ahead and say I personally am eternally grateful I wasnt hospitalized in BTs situation. They can be miserable places and though they are right for the severely ill and at risk, they are never without their downsides.

I remember being in BTs shoes like it were yesterday. This depression isn't just some chemical reaction to random brain events. It is a normal and understandable
reaction to trauma.

I personally feel that there isn't enough focus ever on how support, listening and people really giving a shit about you and making the effort to understand is at least as important if not more so than conventional treatment. I have had two serious blips in my life.. the first at BTs age and the second was postnatal... and though I had medication and therapy second time round it was still ultimately reaching out and talking to others and getting a wide range of real life things in place that made the difference. Stupid things like joining a debating society and the school choir and listening to music and reading were every bit as important as any therapy.

I don't really get why people have got to a stage where only paid professional help has any value. I think it is bloody brilliant its there and my own therapy was very helpful this time but getting over depression took a while both with and without this conventional treatment. You have to go through it in some ways. I think BT you are actually doing so much of what you need to do... counseling.. doing things and setting targets to get out of the mire.. reaching out to others and especially to adults with experience of getting through. This absolutely was so important for me in your situation.

BT I thought of you while putting my ds to bed last night. You know you were saying you cant imagine being 30, 40 whatever. Well it struck me I can't imagine my little boy ever being 16 like you (he is 3 now and I have a 1 year old too). I wonder if anyone ever can wrap their heads round the passage of time. I think this is why when you are really low you cannot imagine ever really being out of it. Its similar to when you have the flu and you can't remember ever being well or imagine ever getting better... but somehow one day it just lifts and then though you remember feeling fluey it just doesn't quite seem anything like as bad as when you were in the middle of it.

Openyourheart Sat 17-Aug-13 23:20:38

BT - I hope I haven't worried you and I sincerely apologise if anything that I said was frightening. All I want is for any young person with depression to be treated appropriately and because you have not really given much information about what is going on in that respect, I am concerned that you are not receiving the care that you are entitled to. There are options available on the NHS which you might find beneficial.
No harm in taking advantage smile

Openyourheart Sat 17-Aug-13 23:11:19

Yes, I have read it all Cjel.

cjel Sat 17-Aug-13 23:07:19

He is, he has counselling. His depression is reactive. He has more that he wants to work out than CBT is capable of at the moment. Have you read his thread?

Openyourheart Sat 17-Aug-13 22:52:40

Also, a good treatment for depression is cognitive behavioural therapy. This is available on the NHS.
So, I'm not necessarily talking about being put in hospital but seeking appropriate and conventional treatment that works.

Openyourheart Sat 17-Aug-13 22:45:16

I'm not saying that hospitalisation is the right thing now. I don't know what the right thing is because I don't know the full circumstances and neither does anyone else on here. What I do know is if someone is a risk to themselves then full on medical intervention is a conventional way of treating the problem.

Drugs do take time to work but how long do you think you should wait? There are different medications and strengths of medication to try. I am not being depressing. I am trying to offer positive and useful practical advice.

By the way, I know plenty about depression.

cjel Sat 17-Aug-13 19:41:04

I think the treatment BT is getting is right and he hasn't said he feel suicidal t the moment. He has a counsellor who he gets on with and really doesn't need to be in hospital. Sorry to talk about you as if you aren't here BT but don't let openyourheart depress you. I can ell you from personal and professional experience, you really don't need to be in hospital, out patients is working well for you and recovery from depression is not instant and you won't be helped by being away from normal life.

working9while5 Sat 17-Aug-13 18:18:33

I think being open and honest with a GP is a great idea. It can really help to have some regular contact with adults outside of your family where you can be honest about your feelings. I don't know much about what psychiatric treatment for a 16 year old should look like, it didn't exist in the Ireland of my youth so I have no idea about drugs or psychiatric units. Youu are going for counselling, right?

I don't think there's anything wrong with having the big discussions about life though. Different people view this differently in terms of how helpful it is for them with their slumps but I know it has always been important to me. I have had dips again over the years and quite a bit of anxiety this last year but I am grateful I never went back to that place you are in now. I think your decision to go to counselling and to be honest here's about your thoughts and feelings is a sign you are in the fight and this won't have the better of you. But maybe seeing the GP might be good too, eh?

Openyourheart Sat 17-Aug-13 15:40:51

Look, BT. you can have a philosophical debate on the meaning of life. However, I'm more concerned that you are not being treated for your illness properly. The drugs you are on, for example, don't sound very conventional for someone of your age. The other thing which frankly shocks me is that you say that your mother found you after a suicide attempt. Why on earth were you not admitted to a psychiatric unit?

Please go back to your GP and explain that you are seriously struggling and that you are having suicidal thoughts. The medical profession should step up and do more - for goodness sake, you are only 16 and it looks to me that their intervention is minimal.

You need better treatment.

TrucksAndDinosaurs Sat 17-Aug-13 15:23:04

Thinking of you BT

cjel Sat 17-Aug-13 13:48:43

Morning BT, Got any plans for today?

Apileofballyhoo Sat 17-Aug-13 11:10:05


Just so you know I''m still here too. I'm glad someone linked to the 5 stages - it is of benefit to know your feelings are normal ones. I'm sorry you've been feeling so low and that life is pointless.

I am thinking of you a lot.

cjel Fri 16-Aug-13 22:31:54

Hello Bt, glad you are in a chatty mood again. Yes your anger is normal and good, it just needs to come out in a non smashing things up way!
I think my least favourite part of depression is that awful lethargy and really not finding anything good way, It is exhausting trying to pretend to be interested in something or thinking that you have to struggle your way out.
Hope you have a good night.x

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 21:35:48

It doesn't feel like it's worth the ride atm, but I'll try to remember that. Thanks for sharing your story. It helped. I've got to go now. Hope everyone here has a nice night.

working9while5 Fri 16-Aug-13 21:09:45

You know, I'm not sure.

I know I spent most of my childhood depressed. I wrote a poem about being lost in a wood all alone when I was eight and every one thought it was great but bloody missed the point. I think it peaked between 14 and 16 and a lot of that time is a blur. I remember sitting in the bathroom after my kid sister had gone to bed, my dad was gone and my mother was off somewhere and I would just stare at myself in the mirror and cry and hate myself and wish I had the guy as to end it and hate myself for not doing so. I kept going for my sister.

Like you, I learned a lot about my parents at that age. My dad has a history a bit like your mum, he was sexually abused by priests at school which led to his issues and walking out. It is a very scary and shocking thing to realise and it carries a weird guilt when you're young, like it means you are not justified in feeling your own pain. That is complex because actually they are unrelated but it took me many years to know that.

I know that somewhere between 16 and 17 it changed. I think part of it was seeking help outside the family. I ended up talking to this nun at school, she was a real support though one of those teachers every one walked all over in class. Then I went looking for support. I joined a group of Al Anon where everyone else was adult but they accepted me and talks honestly to me about life and their struggles, I suppose a bit like this thread is for you. It was a help to see how every one is working this stuff out and the support and approval I got from them was really needed because I needed that adult contact from people giving it to me just because, not because they were being paid to care. Later in life I found therapy helpful but at your age I was suspicious of it.

Working out feelings through books and music helped too. I read things like The Catcher in the Rye, books by Robert Cormier, self help books from time to time, mainly books about being lonely and isolated or in a dystopian world. I listened to a lot of Rage against the Machine when I was angry, Skunk Anansie, Morrissey, Nirvana. Some stuff when I was sad, like Massive Attack and for the life of me I can't remember the tune.

Allowing yourself feel the anger is good. Depression is like rage turned inwards, or like a friend of mine says, anger without the enthusiasm. Take it easy on the expensive hardware but breaking a few bottles can be cathartic. I have great memories of a friend and I at uni breaking a whole load of glass bottles when she was going through a tough time when her friend died in an accident. Just don't trash stuff you or others like or need or do anything to hurt yourself, others or break the law. Otherwise burn it up. You don't always have to be rational you know. Sometimes you have to ride the crest of the wave when it comes to rage. It will pass through. I guess that's what I didn't know at 16. This stuff does pass, even if its all you know right now. You're only just barely getting to the age where you have agency to change the shifty things in your life so how could you possibly know it will pass? Only living it will get you that knowledge. I'm just telling you it's worth the ride.

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 21:01:35

TD - thanks for the link. Never heard of the 5 stages of grief before.

TrucksAndDinosaurs Fri 16-Aug-13 20:53:35

I will post again tonight: I just had to pass this on, with love, BT.

Anger is normal.
To be expected.
It's part of the process; it's good.

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 20:37:31

I'm also listening to music that is very explicit and angry (Tupac, Rage Against the Machine). I've been feeling much more angry than I usually am.

BengalTiger Fri 16-Aug-13 20:30:57

@9while 5 - I know what you mean about making links and associations with history. Happens to me all the time when I listen to music from the past. I repeated the term "life is pointless" for 45 seconds and it kinda lost effect cause I think I repeated it so much. That's a pretty interesting theory.

I'm getting spurts of anger more and more. I smashed my old PS3 recently and I swear I was this close to smashing my new one. All because the computer AI was beating me on a basketball game. And I know that's not rational. I'm a competitive person yeah but when it comes to losing on games it annoys me but I don't go into a rage fit like I did the other day. It's happening more and more.

How did you get past suicidal thoughts if you don't mind me asking?

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