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I just did something (triggering)

(342 Posts)
Messupmum Fri 09-Aug-13 19:40:06

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

HoopHopes Wed 25-Sep-13 22:30:50

I hope you can not worry about upsetting people. I learnt that people are responsible for their own feelings and therefore it is not you that upsets people but if they are upset ( and am sure not!) it is their own choice and responsibility.

And remember professionals are totally used to it so no worries there.

Sorry you feeling so low.

Messupmum Wed 25-Sep-13 21:35:34

I haven't talked to anyone yet this week.

I'm feeling so unbearably low.

Sijeunessesavait Wed 25-Sep-13 20:35:02

MuM, have you been to your therapy group this week and have you told your cpn or other mh professional how things have been for you? I'm sure they will want to know so they can help you. You've really made progress since the beginning of this thread and there is plenty to look forward to, even if there are bumps along the way. Stay safe x

Messupmum Wed 25-Sep-13 13:12:49

I've been saying too many things and upsetting people. I just feel this extreme anger and get so irritated by things and then can't seem to stop myself saying something. I can't hold a conversation without coming out with something bitchy, or I just interupt and can't follow what's going on. Feels like everything's going too fast, and my mind can't keep up with it.

Still struggling with massive guilt and anxiety, and knowing I've upset people is making this worse. I want to never see anyone again, just want to delete myself from the world. I can't control my thoughts, if I see a group of mums talking, I think it's about me. I hate it, I can't do this. I hate myself and think everyone else hates me too.

Sijeunessesavait Tue 24-Sep-13 21:17:43

Dear MuM

Your dreams must be really upsetting and exhausting, and I'm sorry that they feel so real that they seem to carry over into your waking hours. It's understandable that you want to hide away at home when you feel like this, so it's good that you can express yourself so honestly here. The other people in your therapy group won't think anything of you doing the same in the group, you know. Could you imagine them as a handful of anonymous Mumsnetters, all willing you on and wanting you to get better as we do? Once you have given voice to your vulnerability and asked for help, things can start to change for the better.

I hope today improved and you had a nice time with your DD after school. Try to love yourself even half as much as you love her. You are worth it.

Messupmum Tue 24-Sep-13 13:33:29

I keep telling myself that other mums have bad mornings, but I bet they don't get home and want to drive off and crash the car.

I tried to sleep but when I did I had dreams about harming myself and feeling extreme anger towards my family. Felt so real, woke up and the urges are there. I am ruining my life, and dd's life. I'm hiding away at home as feel too much of a failure to go out. Too anxious to go out anyway.

I'm seeing therapist this week, but not sure I can be honest with the other people there in the group. Feel so alone in this, but I'm not really, just feels like it.

Sijeunessesavait Tue 24-Sep-13 10:59:01

MuM - I feel for you, and you are not alone. Your DD will remember that you kissed her goodbye at school and that's all that matters. You're not a horrible mum - we all have mornings like that! It's good that you were able to chat to the other mums, even to have a moan. Are you seeing your cpn or other therapist this week? I hope you'll manage to tell them how you're feeling so they can put some support in place.
Stay safe x

Messupmum Tue 24-Sep-13 08:54:13

Had a horrible morning. Dd was not doing anything I said, so we ended up shouting at each other, then had to rush to school. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her, I just kissed her goodbye and hurried off. Didn't want to talk to anyone but ended up walking next to two mums. They must think I'm so horrible by what I was moaning about. I look awful too, pale and my skin and hair is horrible.

I got in my house and burst into tears. I can't cope. The morning feels like a blur. I feel like ringing up the school to say dd might be upset cos she's got a horrible mum.

HoopHopes Sun 22-Sep-13 17:35:06

You may not feel crisis helps, helps because your thinking is often not great when in crisis- well mine is not. And no, they are not the amazing thing that one may think they are as by the very nature of their job they see people for a very short time, their role is not to offer therapy and to pass people back to their usual services ASAP.

But it does not mean you can't use them. Usually cpn's or therapists of gp's refer their usual patients to them. I used to get referred when the CMHT said I needed more support than one visit and a phone all a week as they ( CMHT) are busy and also only work 9-5.

Do reach out if you feel unsafe. It is hard to know the difference between bad thoughts and actions and the role of the crisis team is to assess when people are actually going to act on thoughts and desires or if they are thoughts and desires to be managed. That is their role so let them do it!

Sijeunessesavait Sun 22-Sep-13 16:04:24

Do keep reaching out, MuM. You will get through this with help from others. Nobody expects you to manage the difficult times on your own. Call the crisis team if you need to. Even if it hasn't always been helpful in the past, it could make a difference today.

I'm here and thinking of you x

Messupmum Sun 22-Sep-13 14:10:15

Feeling really rubbish, having bad thoughts of what I really want to do. I don't like to reach out anymore, I know no one can do anything. If I feel so unsafe and scared, as that's how I'm starting to feel like, I know there's no chance of any help, except maybe crisis team for a few days. But I don't always find them that helpful, I just have to deal with these thoughts that are making me cry.

Sijeunessesavait Sat 21-Sep-13 08:38:43

Dear MuM

I had no internet yesterday, and am sorry I didn't see this message until now.

I hope you managed to use some of the coping strategies you'll have had from your therapy sessions, and that you can see change in yourself which will help you to keep going. It's good to keep posting here, but also important that you talk to your GP or mh team about your feelings when you're struggling.

Try to do something you and DD will enjoy today - getting outside in some fresh air can really help.

Be kind to yourself - you deserve to be well

Messupmum Fri 20-Sep-13 10:00:06

Struggling with anxiety today, worried about everything, want to go and get dd from school and hide away with her. I don't feel safe anywhere and I'm struggling.

Sijeunessesavait Thu 19-Sep-13 22:06:31

Hope you're feeling a bit calmer today, MuM. I've been thinking of you.

HoopHopes Thu 19-Sep-13 11:23:42

Sounds like you made some good steps, which you can keep doing. It is ok to have ignored friends but does not mean you cannot see them this week or next! Just tell them you were busy or forgot to call back.

Concentrate on breathing, maybe get out of the house even if just go and have a coffee somewhere may help.

Sijeunessesavait Wed 18-Sep-13 23:20:36

Just try to focus on one deep breath at a time, very slow, very calming. You will get through this. Would it help to listen to the radio to distract you? xx

Messupmum Wed 18-Sep-13 22:34:04

I can't think about anything apart from feeling terrified in my own home. Every car that goes past I think it's someone coming to check on me. I've made things worse by ignoring friends phoning, I just can't talk to anyone. Got this fear that's come from nowhere, my chest is tight and hurting. My jaw is clenched, I can't relax. I've tried, I can't. Thought I was tired but can't sleep.

I've tried this week to change things, avoided alcohol and exercised but it still comes crashing down. My chest hurts so much.

HoopHopes Wed 18-Sep-13 22:11:40

Rant away!! Anything that helps.

If I remember rightly you just started therapy. I know lots of people on here rate therapy highly but I am always cautious in suggesting it as with the NHS you get what you get and often wait ages for it so when it comes some people think or expect it to be a quick cure and fabulous. I think many experiences are not like that. It is hard, it is confusing and it is part of treatment for serious mental illnesses and not the whole picture. For people not under mental health teams and with stressful life events yes a short dose of talking treatment can talk wonders. But with some diagnosis it is about learning to accept things, take responsibility by making changes, learning how to interact with people- such as interpersonal effectiveness. And it is not easy. I could not manage group work, i reacted badly to it ( long story!)so had to eave the group and leave therapy as nothing else offered - and I am classed as not n right group for 6 sessions of cbt either.

But if you got therapy I would say try not to expect it to help in first few weeks or months but as part of your journey!!!

If you ignore ill health and lack of support or the NHS support there is what helps you that you are in charge of? What things can you put in place to make you feel better? I am a great believer in taking charge of our messed up minds and lives and doing what we can ourselves. What can you fill spare time with to make you feel better? Some councils run some great short daytime courses that are free or are free if not working etc. like craft ones to distract with. Or exercise classes. Or new skills?

Sijeunessesavait Wed 18-Sep-13 21:19:38

Oh MuM, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You are so brave to keep going, looking after your DD, and things will change for the better if you can just hang in there. It can take a while to see the difference that therapy is making and that can make you feel as though you are getting nowhere. I can see that you don't enjoy being like this and you're not making it up. Can you show what you've written here to your cpn? Please be kind to yourself and try to get a good night's sleep xx

Messupmum Wed 18-Sep-13 20:39:53

I need to have a rant. I'm really angry with everything/everyone but especially myself. Nothing has really happened, but feel like I'm getting no where. I hate myself so much, I hate the way I react to things, I hate the mum that I am. I don't want this! Jumping infront of a train is so tempting right now. Not planning this tonight obviously, but I don't understand why I'm here.

I don't understand my head, why I think the way I do. I don't get my illness, my treatment, what I'm meant to feel or how I'm supposed to feel. I talk rubbish at appts/therapy sessions. It all boils down to the fact I think I'd be better off dead, and others would be free of my nightmare self. The only problem is I'm terrified, and I'm a mum. I'm not stupid, I know no one can replace me, I've been told that a million times. But I see no point in carrying on, saying the same stuff to different people, all the effing time.

I feel like I'm making it up, that people think I enjoy being like this. I don't know what to do. It's shit, everything is. No one really cares, and even if they do, no one can do anything.

I am thinking I need to plan this properly, not be impulsive like before. Maybe prepare close ones a bit. Get some alcohol to give me the confidence, not bother talking to the professionals, they just put things on hold for a bit. I don't want another 4/8/12 years like this.

I'm sorry, I don't want to alarm anyone, I'm not at harm tonight. I just feel like I'm going crazy and this is the only place right now I can be honest but no one knows me.

Sijeunessesavait Tue 17-Sep-13 00:18:11


Sijeunessesavait Tue 17-Sep-13 00:17:51

You OK, MuM? Thinking og you x

Sijeunessesavait Fri 13-Sep-13 14:04:27

How are things today, MuM? I'm here and you're in my thoughts x

HoopHopes Thu 12-Sep-13 23:47:12

You said you missed some medication. Taking regulate prescribed medication is the one thing you can do to try and help you right now. It is ok to take regular prescribed medication. Ignore the doses you missed and just take what you should take tonight and start again tomorrow. A few days to get it back in your system should really help you. And may help you sleep better as suddenly stopping medication can cause all sorts of side effects.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Can you arrange to see a friend this week? Not the same as a professional or family support but sometimes just having a cup of tea and talking about the say for eg great British bake off prog on tv van be a lovely distraction !!

Sijeunessesavait Thu 12-Sep-13 08:53:25

Do you have any plans for today, MuM? Maybe you could have a rest (even a sleep) while DD is at school? I'm here thinking of you and hoping you will take some steps towards helping yourself to get better today xx

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