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I just did something (triggering)

(342 Posts)
Messupmum Fri 09-Aug-13 19:40:06

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

Messupmum Wed 18-Sep-13 22:34:04

I can't think about anything apart from feeling terrified in my own home. Every car that goes past I think it's someone coming to check on me. I've made things worse by ignoring friends phoning, I just can't talk to anyone. Got this fear that's come from nowhere, my chest is tight and hurting. My jaw is clenched, I can't relax. I've tried, I can't. Thought I was tired but can't sleep.

I've tried this week to change things, avoided alcohol and exercised but it still comes crashing down. My chest hurts so much.

Sijeunessesavait Wed 18-Sep-13 23:20:36

Just try to focus on one deep breath at a time, very slow, very calming. You will get through this. Would it help to listen to the radio to distract you? xx

HoopHopes Thu 19-Sep-13 11:23:42

Sounds like you made some good steps, which you can keep doing. It is ok to have ignored friends but does not mean you cannot see them this week or next! Just tell them you were busy or forgot to call back.

Concentrate on breathing, maybe get out of the house even if just go and have a coffee somewhere may help.

Sijeunessesavait Thu 19-Sep-13 22:06:31

Hope you're feeling a bit calmer today, MuM. I've been thinking of you.

Messupmum Fri 20-Sep-13 10:00:06

Struggling with anxiety today, worried about everything, want to go and get dd from school and hide away with her. I don't feel safe anywhere and I'm struggling.

Sijeunessesavait Sat 21-Sep-13 08:38:43

Dear MuM

I had no internet yesterday, and am sorry I didn't see this message until now.

I hope you managed to use some of the coping strategies you'll have had from your therapy sessions, and that you can see change in yourself which will help you to keep going. It's good to keep posting here, but also important that you talk to your GP or mh team about your feelings when you're struggling.

Try to do something you and DD will enjoy today - getting outside in some fresh air can really help.

Be kind to yourself - you deserve to be well

Messupmum Sun 22-Sep-13 14:10:15

Feeling really rubbish, having bad thoughts of what I really want to do. I don't like to reach out anymore, I know no one can do anything. If I feel so unsafe and scared, as that's how I'm starting to feel like, I know there's no chance of any help, except maybe crisis team for a few days. But I don't always find them that helpful, I just have to deal with these thoughts that are making me cry.

Sijeunessesavait Sun 22-Sep-13 16:04:24

Do keep reaching out, MuM. You will get through this with help from others. Nobody expects you to manage the difficult times on your own. Call the crisis team if you need to. Even if it hasn't always been helpful in the past, it could make a difference today.

I'm here and thinking of you x

HoopHopes Sun 22-Sep-13 17:35:06

You may not feel crisis helps, helps because your thinking is often not great when in crisis- well mine is not. And no, they are not the amazing thing that one may think they are as by the very nature of their job they see people for a very short time, their role is not to offer therapy and to pass people back to their usual services ASAP.

But it does not mean you can't use them. Usually cpn's or therapists of gp's refer their usual patients to them. I used to get referred when the CMHT said I needed more support than one visit and a phone all a week as they ( CMHT) are busy and also only work 9-5.

Do reach out if you feel unsafe. It is hard to know the difference between bad thoughts and actions and the role of the crisis team is to assess when people are actually going to act on thoughts and desires or if they are thoughts and desires to be managed. That is their role so let them do it!

Messupmum Tue 24-Sep-13 08:54:13

Had a horrible morning. Dd was not doing anything I said, so we ended up shouting at each other, then had to rush to school. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her, I just kissed her goodbye and hurried off. Didn't want to talk to anyone but ended up walking next to two mums. They must think I'm so horrible by what I was moaning about. I look awful too, pale and my skin and hair is horrible.

I got in my house and burst into tears. I can't cope. The morning feels like a blur. I feel like ringing up the school to say dd might be upset cos she's got a horrible mum.

Sijeunessesavait Tue 24-Sep-13 10:59:01

MuM - I feel for you, and you are not alone. Your DD will remember that you kissed her goodbye at school and that's all that matters. You're not a horrible mum - we all have mornings like that! It's good that you were able to chat to the other mums, even to have a moan. Are you seeing your cpn or other therapist this week? I hope you'll manage to tell them how you're feeling so they can put some support in place.
Stay safe x

Messupmum Tue 24-Sep-13 13:33:29

I keep telling myself that other mums have bad mornings, but I bet they don't get home and want to drive off and crash the car.

I tried to sleep but when I did I had dreams about harming myself and feeling extreme anger towards my family. Felt so real, woke up and the urges are there. I am ruining my life, and dd's life. I'm hiding away at home as feel too much of a failure to go out. Too anxious to go out anyway.

I'm seeing therapist this week, but not sure I can be honest with the other people there in the group. Feel so alone in this, but I'm not really, just feels like it.

Sijeunessesavait Tue 24-Sep-13 21:17:43

Dear MuM

Your dreams must be really upsetting and exhausting, and I'm sorry that they feel so real that they seem to carry over into your waking hours. It's understandable that you want to hide away at home when you feel like this, so it's good that you can express yourself so honestly here. The other people in your therapy group won't think anything of you doing the same in the group, you know. Could you imagine them as a handful of anonymous Mumsnetters, all willing you on and wanting you to get better as we do? Once you have given voice to your vulnerability and asked for help, things can start to change for the better.

I hope today improved and you had a nice time with your DD after school. Try to love yourself even half as much as you love her. You are worth it.

Messupmum Wed 25-Sep-13 13:12:49

I've been saying too many things and upsetting people. I just feel this extreme anger and get so irritated by things and then can't seem to stop myself saying something. I can't hold a conversation without coming out with something bitchy, or I just interupt and can't follow what's going on. Feels like everything's going too fast, and my mind can't keep up with it.

Still struggling with massive guilt and anxiety, and knowing I've upset people is making this worse. I want to never see anyone again, just want to delete myself from the world. I can't control my thoughts, if I see a group of mums talking, I think it's about me. I hate it, I can't do this. I hate myself and think everyone else hates me too.

Sijeunessesavait Wed 25-Sep-13 20:35:02

MuM, have you been to your therapy group this week and have you told your cpn or other mh professional how things have been for you? I'm sure they will want to know so they can help you. You've really made progress since the beginning of this thread and there is plenty to look forward to, even if there are bumps along the way. Stay safe x

Messupmum Wed 25-Sep-13 21:35:34

I haven't talked to anyone yet this week.

I'm feeling so unbearably low.

HoopHopes Wed 25-Sep-13 22:30:50

I hope you can not worry about upsetting people. I learnt that people are responsible for their own feelings and therefore it is not you that upsets people but if they are upset ( and am sure not!) it is their own choice and responsibility.

And remember professionals are totally used to it so no worries there.

Sorry you feeling so low.

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