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intrusive thoughts? somethings gone in my head today

(101 Posts)
holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 21:35:44

Been under pressure general life and work stuff for weeks
Slowly building up and last few days im really struggling
Took yesterday off work. Went in today and spent most of it crying at my desk. At points today nearly walked out of work. I called gp but no appts.
I have thoughts popping in my head . Suicidal / self harm thoughts. Im scared I will act on them. Dont think I will but at times they seem overwhelming.
Distraction (with work or listening to music for example) helps a bit. Kids have kept me busy this evening.
Part of me wants help. Part of me wants to lose the plot.
Intrusive thoughts ? Where are these from?

buildingmycorestrength Fri 02-Aug-13 19:39:03

Hi Holsten. Coming to terms with abuse is difficult but worth it. You will get a lot of support here. thanks

holstenlips Sat 03-Aug-13 08:31:36

Big anxiety attack yday which resulted in a visit to my gp. She gave me some sleeping pills. As ive not been able to sleep all week. She is really lovely. And seems genuinely interested in how I am.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 03-Aug-13 09:25:25

Sorry about that Holsten. I'm glad your GP is lovely. I think sometimes things can start to surface and we want to push them down, but they will cause anxiety and depression if we don't face them. You sound like you are at a crisis point. I don't suppose you mentioned the abuse to her? Have you ever spoken to anyone about it?

I don't want to keep on about the abuse. I hate to think of you reading these words on the screen and being on your own. I feel like you are somehow thinking that having anxiety/depression is some kind of fault in you. It's not.

I'm glad you got the sleeping tablets. There is nothing worse than things going around in your head at night stopping you from sleeping. It's easier to keep busy during the day and not think about things. At least if you get some sleep you can function the next day.

holstenlips Sat 03-Aug-13 10:42:51

Thanks yes I did sleep so thats good. Mornings are not great I always feel very down.
Re the abuse I think in a lot of ways I am over it, ive had most of my life to get used to it. Its not that big a deal to me but the shame that my parents obviously have about me and that I have about myself is a problem.
I think this depression is a wake up call. That im not living my life how I should be. I really hope to get sortedout. I think it will take weeks though. Im not able to do much even tthinking, especially in the morning when all I want to do is give up.
Thanks for the replies its very kind x

Apileofballyhoo Sat 03-Aug-13 11:13:33

It's no problem to reply. Be kind to yourself. x

holstenlips Mon 05-Aug-13 16:16:22

Updating for anyone still watching; im doing better. Had a few wobbles at the weekend but my mood is better. I have no patience so ive explained to my kids.
Quiet times suit me better. Luckily I have this week off and then see psych next week.

CheckpointCharlie Mon 05-Aug-13 21:09:09

I am loving seeing your recent posts, you sounds different, more resolve in your posts. And hurray for a good doctor!

Oh gosh, so sorry to hear about the abuse, I have no experience of that but can see how your parents acting weirdly about it must have totally done you in. sad

Still here checking in on you! Keep posting x

Apileofballyhoo Mon 05-Aug-13 21:55:06

Hi Holsten, glad you posted, but not glad you had wobbles! How do you find being at home and not having to go to work? Is your DD occupied or do you have her home with you?

holstenlips Tue 06-Aug-13 09:23:34

Im finding it better to be at home for now as work is very busy and full on, a lot of interaction with people which im not sure I could handle. Im tired still too.
I will go back soon though as I dont want to leave it so long..Im hoping I will know when im ready.
Dd is in holiday club. I thought about cancelling to save the cost but shes very happy there she loves it. And if she was here all day im sure I would struggle.
My son is back from uni hes working but so nice to have him around.
I feel so much better. I know the next step is to find ways of changing how I live and work so that I can help prevent this happening again. Big things to think about.
A lovely thing happened yesterday, 2 close friends from work have told me they are taking me out for the day on Saturday. Im so looking forward to a girlie day!
I have had so much support here and elsewhere on line (I found a bipolar support group on fb) Thank You! x

CheckpointCharlie Tue 06-Aug-13 21:22:22

I am really happy for you. And that is a really good idea, to try and identify what you can do to try and keep this at bay.

I know I don't know you really but I feel really proud of how you have dealt with this, and continuing to deal with it. Could you cope with one day less a week at work to give you a breather?

Your bf sounds quite sweet actually. Maybe he could pay for some of the shopping for when he and his dc come round?

Anyway, it is great to hear you are on the mend! Well done for holding on.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 06-Aug-13 21:55:47

That all sounds really good holsten. smile Do look at how you live, that is a great idea. But also allow yourself to be sad about things that should make you sad, iyswim. We don't have to be happy all the time. Xx

holstenlips Tue 06-Aug-13 22:16:00

Funnily enough this afternoon I crashed and cried for an hour! Feel ok enough now. Obviously has to come out.
I do regret a lot of things and im seeing how ive been living on a very fast auto pilot. Taking this time out will help in the long run x

Apileofballyhoo Wed 07-Aug-13 10:26:44

I often find after being really anxious and stressed for days that I feel better after a good cry - sometimes I think the anxiety is caused by trying to hold things in and keep going. I think it's very hard to know how to deal with emotions when you weren't encouraged to express them as a child and I'm only trying to figure it out now.

holstenlips Thu 08-Aug-13 11:39:25

Definitely. My psych told me he believed I was emotionally neglected and that I never learnt to say No which is a stage that is v important for a toddler. I went out yday and stayed out for 4hours..scary but I did it. Got my cancer check up this pm involving colposcopy yuk not looking forward to it . Not worried about the income though im sure its all fine. :-)

Apileofballyhoo Thu 08-Aug-13 14:37:07

When did your psych tell you that? When I was in counselling my counsellor recommended a book called 'Healing Your Inner Child' or something like that - John Bradshaw was the author I think. I don't know that I found it much use really, but what has made a difference to me is a parenting website I look at to help me with DS - when I look at ways to help him with his emotions I realise where that wasn't done for me or DH... sometimes it makes me very sad but it does help me to try and manage my own emotions. I've started to have a very needs based outlook on it. Anyway link is this. Soooo don't want to be shoving what I think on other people, but I have found it helpful.

I've had loads of colposcopies and 2 letz (sp?) thingies - I was quite freaked out but the last time was great, couldn't have been easier for what it was iykwim! But other ones were a terrible source of anxiety for me so I'm glad you aren't feeling too bad about yours - hope it goes well. xx

CheckpointCharlie Thu 08-Aug-13 21:23:04

Hope it went well today holsten...

That might be a big weight off your mind too.

I am away for a few days (Paris!!) but will check in on you when I get back!

holstenlips Fri 09-Aug-13 09:59:36

Have a lovely time Charlie ..never been I bet its lovely x hosp appt was ok. A small 'lesion' but they will watch and wait to see whether it develops over the next 6-12 months. They dont want to do any more surgery as its quite extreme..ive already had 3 surgeries.
Mood wise not great today. Just had a call from psyvh team who have had to cancel the clinic next tues so ive been put off to the following week...bugger. oh well.
Today, duvet day. A couple of friends coming tomorrow for lunch. Hopefully I will be cheered up by then! Love to all x

CheckpointCharlie Mon 12-Aug-13 23:04:06

Hello! Am back. Very much poorer, Blimey Paris is expensive!

Hmmm so not quite the relief you were hoping for but it sounds like they are totally on top of it and are looking out for you, although I am not surprised your mood has dipped.

Also re the cancellation, think how bloody well you have done so far, you can and will manage another week, you are really doing very well.

How was your lunch! I have mainly eaten cheese and beef for the last 4 days. I need vegetables!!!

Keep going,you have already done so much by yourself, don't panic that your appointment is delayed, you will be fine, and if you have a wobble, me and apileofballyhoo are here!!!

holstenlips Fri 16-Aug-13 00:37:48

Sorry ive not been about. I am engulfed. Tuesday I had to call crisis team. Im not sleeping or eating very much. Just trying to hold out for psychiatric appt on tuesday. Have seen gp as suicidal thoughts. Not coping very well at the moment. Kids are ok I thought I might have to go to hospital but im waiting to see if I can get through it. The kids both go away at the weekend. I actually cant see a future. Not suicidal but wish I could just sleep. Will catch up again soon much love Holsten.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 18-Aug-13 22:00:02

Oh Holsten

I'm so sorry you've been feeling so bad. My heart just goes out to you. I suppose these low feelings are just not going to go away as easily, they want you to express your grief and pain and you've never really had time in your life to do that. I'm so sorry that you have suffered and that you are suffering. And enduring. It's hard work. I'm praying for you and sending you love and sympathy.

Also, these are feelings, and feelings pass and feelings change, they aren't permanent. I know it's really really shit when you feel so awful that death is a way out of it... but it's not permanent, you will get better. It might be more of a marathon than a sprint though. Hopefully Tuesday will be very helpful. Lots of love and good wishes to you x

Apileofballyhoo Sun 18-Aug-13 22:12:20

I hope the weekend went ok for you. Would it be any help to talk about anything you're feeling? Like have a moan about work or your Bf or any worry you have?

Do you normally keep all your worries to yourself?

I do but I really opened up to my friend this past week and I feel less alone, though she lives quite far away and was just here briefly, it was just such a relief to talk to somebody and not do my usual pretend everything is fine. I found that the housework and everything was easier and I wasn't as anxious or stressed. Tasks didn't seem as big - normally I really dread and hate changing the bed whereas tonight I just did it without thinking about it at all, and I realized it's really not that big a deal. Sorry for rambling, I'm probably not making much sense!

CheckpointCharlie Mon 19-Aug-13 20:04:24

Oh no I am really sorry to hear that.

You do have a future though, I know it's very hard to see through depression and anxiety, having had varying bouts of both. You will get better and it is almost Tuesday, only one more night to get through and then you should get some better support.

Holding your hand very tight. X

Apileofballyhoo Tue 20-Aug-13 22:42:53

Hi holsten was thinking of you all day, hope you got on ok today x

CheckpointCharlie Wed 21-Aug-13 20:30:58

Me too, hope you had some kind of positive experience. Sending hugs.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 29-Aug-13 02:18:54

Hi Holsten just thinking of you and wondering how you are x

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