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intrusive thoughts? somethings gone in my head today

(101 Posts)
holstenlips Wed 10-Jul-13 21:35:44

Been under pressure general life and work stuff for weeks
Slowly building up and last few days im really struggling
Took yesterday off work. Went in today and spent most of it crying at my desk. At points today nearly walked out of work. I called gp but no appts.
I have thoughts popping in my head . Suicidal / self harm thoughts. Im scared I will act on them. Dont think I will but at times they seem overwhelming.
Distraction (with work or listening to music for example) helps a bit. Kids have kept me busy this evening.
Part of me wants help. Part of me wants to lose the plot.
Intrusive thoughts ? Where are these from?

buildingmycorestrength Sat 20-Jul-13 11:53:23

You could call and ask for an earlier appt or to be put on a cancellation list. Also go back to GP to check meds are right level. Well done coming back here to get support. You are going through a very hard time.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 15:16:50

I will go back to gp I think . It took me 6 hours but I got out of house for an hour with my daughter.
Need to sleep now shattered.
I do wonder how people are supposed to get through if an urgent appt is a month away.

CheckpointCharlie Sat 20-Jul-13 15:32:00

Hi OP. I felt a bit like you two years ago. I had an awful, bullying boss who was grinding me down and my DH didn't know how to help me deal with my anxiety and stress. One day he made a flippant remark about pulling myself together and I just kind of snapped.
I drove to my mums and collapsed, the only way I can describe it was that my thoughts were just rushing round my head without me being able to control them or stop them.
I too couldn't be around other people except my immediate family. I managed to go back to work but would take a Valium as soon as I got home and that helped me. Also the boss left a few weeks after it happened so it all kind of calmed down after that and I began to slowly feel better. It has taken me a couple of years to get my confidence back at work as she made me feel like I was inept and undermined my confidence in m ability to do my job even at the most basic level.

What I am trying to get at is can you remove some of the things you say have been stressing you out?
Was it work or is there something else you can change to help take the pressure off you?

I am ok now by the way, stronger than before actually. I am sure you will be too.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 16:05:38

Hi Charlie thanks for posting that. Im glad you recovered so well
I have been doing a lot of thinking and I don't think its actually my job that is the problem its stressful as is local govt but ive been doing it ten years and am part of the furniture . But I do think that I might need to leave and find something else to do. Im not getting any enjoyment or anything positive from my work. I work full time am always rushing and tired. I am quite a creative person but work like a robot. Because of the cost of childcare and because im a lone parent I dont earn any money really. I get worse off each month.
I dont have any time for hobbies and never go out socially. I have no family support.
I have a boyfriend who lives an hour away. He is great in many ways but in others he doesnt really pull his weight. I feel like his mum sometimes as I feed him and he comes and goes quite a bit.
I feel I need to make major changes to my life.
I feel that this depression is my mind and bodys way of telling me that im not happy.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 16:26:48

The thought of going back to work however is scary. I cant see how I will ever feel well enough.
I still feel as if everything is unreal. And this morning I cried on and off for 6 hours because I was too scared and anxious to go out.
Im going to get a doctor appt this week.

CheckpointCharlie Sat 20-Jul-13 16:39:52

Do you think your bf is adding to the problem? Does he take some of the strain off or are you just adding to your job list by having him come round?

Also could you work one day less at work and have some time to chill? Would it make too much of a difference money wise or could you afford to if you worked it out? Also if govt is there anything more fun you could do? Transfer? New office? New project?

Lastly how old are the dc? Chld they help you with someof the jobs around the house?

How do you feel today? Sorry so many questions!!

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 16:56:04

Its ok im so isolated its nice to have a chat.
Boyfriend is not around to help. He stays here maybe 3 or 4 nights a week to save himself petrol money to get to work and eats here virtually every day. He is not one to help ie cook or wash up etc. He doesnt help financially. I dont know though if im too critical. I am a mothering type so I may be at fault. I do feel a bit put out that he earns a lot more than me and yet doesnt ever offer to buy me a coffee say. He keeps his money for himself and his dc. Which maybe is fair enough. And maybe I should do the same.
My kids are 6 and 19. One at uni.
I feel exhausted. Mornings are bad and cry a lot.
I have told bf to stay away for a few days as I cant see the point of him being here and me being miserable plus I would have to cook etc for him and his dc.
I dont know if we have a future tbh because I feel like a different person at the moment. I cant go out and I dont want to see anyone other than my kids.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 16:57:43

Work wise I intend to ask my employer for help maybe something new or if not then I will look for something that will make me feel more fulfilled.
At the moment packing a bag and buggering off is my fantasy.

CheckpointCharlie Sat 20-Jul-13 17:05:32

I think you are right by asking him to stay away and it also sounds like he is taking advantage of you big time. That must cost you a fortune feeding him and his kids. Well done for taking control of that.

Do you think drafting an email to your boss might ease the stress a bit too? It might help you feel proactive.

It is so exhausting feeling like this, I can remember that. I am going to pm you where I live in case it is nearby.

CheckpointCharlie Sat 20-Jul-13 17:06:53

And actually, is there any scope in packing a bag and buggering off? Holidays start on Wednesday!?

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 17:21:01

Thx Charlie not nearby sadly
Im signed off sick another week then I have a long weekend with my parents and just me and my little one. So that will be my version of buggering off.
Not one text from bf all day until just now. That says it all.
I do have to work thru the hols but will see if im not right im sure gp will sign me off again.
Im going to try to find a support group or something alth I dont have babysitter.
Looking from the outside it does seem that bf relys heavily on me.

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 17:26:11

It gets to this time of day and I just wish the day would be over :-(

CheckpointCharlie Sat 20-Jul-13 17:44:15

I know, you use up all your energy getting thought the day.

Could you stick a DVD on for your LO? Can you have a glass of wine and a bath later and try to relax?

I will be here all night!

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 18:12:02

Ds has taken dd to the park im very lucky hes here.
I will be here all night too thank you so much x

CheckpointCharlie Sat 20-Jul-13 18:51:42

grin he sounds nice! Am going to fetch myself a wine I will send you ne across the ether too!

holstenlips Sat 20-Jul-13 19:53:39

Have done 10 mins aerobics with dd. Will try to do this twice a day and now I will have that wine x

CheckpointCharlie Sat 20-Jul-13 19:56:26

Another positive step today! Aerobics for ten mins a day sounds great. Well done that's two things you have actively done to help yourself feel better!

CheckpointCharlie Sun 21-Jul-13 18:36:03

How are you today holsten?

NanaNina Sun 21-Jul-13 19:14:49

Hello Holsten glad you are getting such good support on here. It's been a lifeline for me many many times as I struggle to recover from depression. I know this goes without saying but you are definitely depressed as you have some of the major symptoms so I don't understand why your GP didn't prescribe an AD. You mention a "mood stabiliser" I've never heard of the drug that you mentioned.

The apt from the CMHT is too far away but they could be inundated, or the GP didn't really say how urgent the referral was. In any event it's usually the GP that prescribed the meds and the CPNs or SWs who visit to support you, or if they think you are very poorly they can refer you to a psychiatrist as can a GP.

Hang on in there - if this is your first experience of this horrid illness it is scary. It might help you to know that 4 out of 5 people make a complete recovery in 4 - 6 months. You definitely need to be signed off sick and I don't think it's a good idea for you to be thinking about a change of job at this time; you have enough to cope with at the moment.

Sending warm wishes your way

NanaNina Sun 21-Jul-13 19:22:24

Me again! I've just looked up that drug that you are on and it is for epilepsy NOT depression. I think you need to get back to the GP asap (and see someone different) and show them what you have been prescribed. There are a lot of doctors in GP surgeries at this time of year who have got their medical degree but have to do 2 years post qualification training, so you might have seen one of these!

Your symptoms of depression are very similar to mine: prolonged bouts of crying, afraid to go out and meet people, feeling you have lost all confidence and possibly that "a stranger has taken over your mind" (sorry if that doesn't fit) Mornings are always worse for me too and I think a lot of people with depression feel like this and sometimes the mood can lift throughout the day.

holstenlips Sun 21-Jul-13 21:02:57

Thank you both for your replies. Today has been a better ish day. I slept just 4 hours but woke feeling ok. I managed a trip to the park with the kids so plenty of exercise. Have not cried today.
Yes Nina someone has taken over my mind, or I have been killed and now im someone completely different.
The drug I have been given is also for depressive episodes of biploar. The reason being that I have already tried Ads and they have made me very flat and no improvement. I started with depression type symptoms at Christmas and it has suddenly come to this. I saw a psychiatrist at Christmas and he said possible bipolar due to other symptoms. So my gp said try these until you can see the psych again.
If someone told me that I have been abducted by aliens I would believe it.
I honestly feel totally alien to myself.
Will ring docs this week to see if she can speed up my referral. I feel scared all the time because I cant seem to get any control over my feelings. Its truly the worst thing ive ever experienced and I have had cancer 18 months ago. That was not on this scale in terms of fear.

holstenlips Sun 21-Jul-13 21:33:17

I actually thought prior to this that there was nothing wrong with me and that the possible bipolar was an extreme overreaction on the psychiatrists part.
I dont get manic. Yes sometimes quite 'high' irritable and overdo things.

CheckpointCharlie Sun 21-Jul-13 21:45:31

I know about the not being able to get control over your feelings. That is super scary and it feels like there is no way to get your old mind back. I didn't ever take any ads but because my main problem was the hideous person at my work, once she had gone my symptoms lifted, although as I said it took a long time to get back to normal.

Well done for not crying today too. You definitely need to see your doc again and try to get them to help you some more.

holstenlips Sun 21-Jul-13 22:05:31

Thanks Charlie. I have no support so I will def get back to the gp.

CheckpointCharlie Sun 21-Jul-13 22:36:55

Let us know how you get on tomorrow and here is a ((hug))

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