Post Natal Anxiety/Name remorse

[prolificnamechanger]

Hi everyone

First time I've posted in this topic although I've posted a lot on the baby names section...

It feels so trivial but at the same time this is taking over my life. I really regret DD's name and my worries over it invade almost my every thought. I wake up fretting about it, sometimes in tears. It's my last thought at night. I will be playing with my DD or cuddling her and there are the thoughts, eating away at me. It's ruining everything.

I've always been a worrier and the sort of person who goes over things after the event to see if I could have done things 'better'.

There are several reasons why I regret DD's quite unusual name - but mainly it's because I'm worried she'll get bullied for it (posts on the baby name threads on this site have fed this fear, by the way).

I have also got very jittery about other things - worrying that some awful accident will happen to her or that DH and I will be killed and leave her orphaned. the other night, I was watching Countryfile of all things - a nice, non controversial programme - when suddenly I was having awful thoughts of us all dying. And thinking, 'Why is no one else worrying about their own deaths and that we're all going to die?' I feel so afraid all the time.

I've been referred for counselling but I just find that I spend the whole sessions going over and over things and crying - and I don't really feel I'm moving forward.

I spoke to my HV about it yesterday and of course ended up in tears - she was very nice but asked me to to make an appointment with the GP. The receptionist was quite sniffy with me when I made the appointment and told me I couldn't see the doctor until next week. This receptionist is rude to everyone - before all this, I would just have rolled my eyes at her rudeness and not let it bother me. But I felt crushed and walked away feeling like a total horrible, weak failure and rubbish mum and human being.

One thing that I am not worrying about is DD's wellbeing. She is such a happy baby and I don't let her see that I am worrying or upset. She has only see me cry a couple of times and didn't really understand as she's only 15 months.

Sorry for the long ramble but I just wanted to see if anyone else had experienced anything similar. I feel so silly and can't really express it to my family and friends - they think I'm being totally melodramatic to 'not like' DD's name. I feel guilty because, you know, there are wars and famines going on and I'm worrying about this.

I have got quite good at painting on a happy face and pretending to be ok when I'm with other people.

But my worries over her name and that she'll be bullied for it are crippling me. I can't see how I'll ever get back to normal life with all this worry and fear hanging over me.

Thank you in advance for any advice. I actually feel better having got all this out.

[MolotovCocktail]

I don't think thy you ever really know what fear is until you have a child/children. The idea of losing them, or us as parents not being able to care for them, is an overwhelming thought.

I suppose the trick is learning how to handle those fears. How to rationalise them; how to prioritise them. How to not let them take control.

As you've said that you are a person prone to worrying, I think you already know that you need to take charge of this because the likelihood of all these horrible things happening is so minute. You are spoiling your life right now because of your thought processes.

I think you're focusing on your dd's name because as it is something that you chose, it is something you have control over. So the issue as far as I can see, is control - being afraid of not having it and therefore trying to exercise it over things you feel you can.

FWIW, you can ask my opinion on your dd's name (here or pm me) but I don't reckon that's the issue at heart.

Hugs x

[peachypips]

Hey you. Having had severe post-natal and anti-natal anxiety I know how it feels. I used to obsess about bad things happening to my family. Just having a minor relapse too and it had reminded me how much this illness can lie to you and make you focus on things that are not true.
Obsessive thoughts like you are describing are very classic- yours have focused on the name in particular. If it was me I'd get some meds and you'll prob feel a lot better in 6 wks and start enjoying life and your baby again. Then the name worries will go.
On another note the receptionist was out of order and needs reporting. When someone is unwell they need care and support from the minute they walk though the door. Get your OH to ring up. Also get an emergency appointment.
Love to you and yours. If you ever need a phone chat PM me xx

[MolotovCocktail]

Please also bear in mind that the baby names forum can be a cold, harsh place. Much crueller than one could at first imagine. People provide their usually private, completely I uncensored opinion on any name, on the basis of 'well, you asked for it'.

My dd's names, for example, would be harshly critiqued on there and I know that, because I know what the general MN opinion is on certain naming trends.

But I don't care. So I never ask.

[prolificnamechanger]

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate your advice. I think I will see if I can see a doctor sooner and ask about the meds - it wasn't a route I wanted to go down but I can't carry on like this, it's exhausting.

It's just really difficult to express how I'm feeling in real life because 'not liking your child's name' sounds so silly and irrational.

x

[LEMisdisappointed]

You need to see your doctor, can you phone up first thing in the morning and get an emergency appointment. You sound so much like i did when i had my DD. Paranoid that it would all be taken away from me. It turned out i had severe PND but it got overlooked for two years and i became really ill.

I am sure your DD has a beautiful name and so what if its unusual - she wont be bullied for it, kids just don't see that sort of thing, there are so many different names these days coming from other launguages etc that it wont raise an eyelid at school.

[WildeRumpus]

Excellent insights above op. Am so sorry you feel this way - because I am suffering post natal anxiety too and knoe how crippling it is. FWIW I went to the Dr two weeks ago tho and got medication... I realised I was feeling off and can't crumble with the baby and his 3 year old brother to look after so medication and a referral for counselling are the order of the day for now.

Dont feel bad if you need medication, happens to the best of us :)

Hope you ok - post, post, post if you need to talk won't you.

[LEMisdisappointed]

It doesn't sound irrational and silly, her name is important, I just think that you have fixated on it because of the PND. What does your partner think?

[prolificnamechanger]

Molotov, re the baby names threads. They are so harsh! I only found them after we'd already named DD and was having a few niggles about it.

I saw that other people had posted asking about this particular name. To see people ripping it to shreds and basically saying, 'Your child will be bullied for this name' was pretty devastating. But when I showed the threads to other people such as my mum or DH, they said, 'Ignore it.'

But I can't. It's horrible to feel like you're the only one worrying about something. I feel sick at the thought of DD suffering because a mistake we made - choosing the wrong name.

[prolificnamechanger]

LEM, my DH has been very supportive but he loves her name and doesn't see the problem with it. We've have a lot of frustrating, tearful and sometimes angry talks about changing it. But I could never come up with a better name. In fact, I think of a different, 'better' name for her every day.

I found her first birthday very hard because I knew that the deadline had passed for simply changing it on the birth certificate. If we did it now, it would have to be by deed poll and he would never agree to that.

I also worry about people judging us if we changed it. Although I've already fretted endlessly about people judging us for giving her a 'bad' name.

DH has been amazing actually but he has admitted that he's scared that I'm not coping.

I've always been quite good at talking things through when I've had a problem - I never used to like things to fester. But I find that I can't talk about this in RL without bursting into tears. So I have mainly hidden it from people.

[MolotovCocktail]

Hiding your feelings makes them worse, you know. They build up and become mountains rather than if you dealt with them through talking.

[MolotovCocktail]

And re. the naming forum: I've never encountered negativity towards my daughters' names IRL. In fact, they receive genuinely positive comments.

Baby Names is full of 'name geeks' who think they know best. It's the harshest board on here (other than AIBU) and you walked into a lion's den, after the fact that you'd already named your baby.

Don't listen! Baby Names isn't representative of real life!

[LEMisdisappointed]

Its turned into a bigger problem that it need to be because of your PND, once you have had some support - counselling and medication if appropraite things will seem more rational. Would it help if you told us her name? You can PM me if you like, i'll be honest with you.

My SIL called her DD cydney (i think thats how you spell it) and everyone included BIL was about it. I wasn't keen if im honest - her dad used to call her ruby (this is so going to out me!) For a lot of the time she was called ruby by everyone - but she has grown into cydney and it suits her. Its the same with a friend of mine - called her DS, raphael - i was too much of a mouthful, posh name etc - it suits him and i love the name now because he is just such an enchanting little boy.

[LEMisdisappointed]

oh and i hae never encountered such rudeness as the shite that is baby names! I rarely post and only post if its to comment on a choice between two names, if i love a name or if the name is the same as my DDs (lucy). If i had another baby, which i wont now, but if i did and i had a girl, i would call her persephone - it would probably be shortened to perci and why not!

[bornagaindomesticgoddess]

I feel like you do most of the time, but it was much much worse after having DD. I was obsessed with the idea that one or more of us might die. I also couldn't listen to music or read the papers without crying. I went back to work and now - 9 months later - I am starting to feel a bit better.

About your DD's name... it is unlikely that your DD will be bullied because of it. People only say that to defend their own uninspired choices (sorry, don't mean to offend anyone).

However.... if you really hate it, then change it. We changed DS's name by Deed Poll. We did it online, it took 5 mins, cost 20 quid, and that was it. Done.

[prolificnamechanger]

They are all great names. I love Raphael - I know one shortened to Rafi, which is lovely.

I will PM you.

[prolificnamechanger]

Sorry, that reply was to LEM.

The reason I'm worried is because her nickname - which everyone uses, rather than her birth certificate name - is connected to a famous Disney mouse (that's not why we chose it, I was too away with the fairies after giving birth to even think about that!)

Also, apparently lots of kids also use that word to describe something else. Not going to spell it out here but google it and you'll see. It's all over the bloody internet. Just a shame I didn't do some research before we announced her name!

In the end, we put a longer, more grown up name on her birth certificate but hardly anyone uses it, apart from me. So I am worried the nickname has stuck and it's too late to do anything about it.

[WildeRumpus]

Yy to the tyranny that is the baby names board! Scary place!

Will changing the name make you feel better? Could you try thinking of your dc with a different name for a week or so and see if it works for you?

Worrying so much about what others think seems so much to indicate pnd to me tho. It is completely true that children just become their names and no one thinks anything of it... But if you have pnd and are fixating your anxiety on this issue it won't go away.

[prolificnamechanger]

bornagaindomesticgoddess - sorry to hear you felt so bad although glad to hear you are starting to feel better.

Did you find that changing the name helped and was your anxiety connected to it? How old was your DS when you changed his name? Did he notice?

[prolificnamechanger]

Oh, in for a penny...

Her real, birth certificate name is the same as the 1960s singer with the surname Faithfull...

[WildeRumpus]

Prolific FWIW if it is the name I think it is I personally really like it! And honestly can't see a problem bullying wise. At all. Please please don't worry! And I am not just being nice :)

[LEMisdisappointed]

Oh now see, i love that name - will PM you with some thoughts

[sheilatakeabow]

Aside from the fact that 'both' your daughter's names are gorgeous, over the past few years I was suffering from increasing anxiety and obsessive thoughts - I couldn't sleep if DH was leaving early the next day as I was terrified I would die in my sleep and DS would find me and etc.
About eight months ago I started a course of CBT and it's changed my whole way of thinking.
Fixating on your daughter's name is an obsession that may be masking other things, or just a symptom of general anxiety over parenting.
My therapist (urggh!) also recommended a book called Overcoming Worry, which could be helpful.

[MolotovCocktail]

Marianne? NN Minnie?

Why are you worrying, prolific? If that is her name and NN, both are just beautiful. I love Marianne. Soft, beautiful, feminine without being frilly - just superb :)

[prolificnamechanger]

Thank you. I just want to say that I am sitting here crying (in a good way). It is such a relief to hear all this, I can't tell you. I am going to try and see the doctor sooner and see if I can sort this all out. Will look for that book too, sheila. Thank you everyone.