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Baby girls make me cry - will I always feel like this?

(16 Posts)
pollybee Sat 03-Jun-06 21:59:37

I have a lovely family - 4 gorgeous boys.

But every time I see a baby girl, or find out someone has had one, I burst into tears and feel terrible. Does anyone else feel like this?

I cannot look at pink things. It's making me avoid everyone I know with daughters, witch makes me feel crap. I know I should be happy with what I've got. Could not ever persuade DH to go for a 5th. Anyway it could be another boy!

I never saw myself with sons, always dreamed my ideal family would be 3 girls.

Had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, my dream daughter, who never made it to the world, but that was ages ago.

Now my sister has told me she is pregnant, and I can't face the thought of her having a daughter.

I know it's really selfish and irational.

Please help anyone.

Beauregard Sat 03-Jun-06 22:07:36

Hi,sorry to hear you are feeling like this.I dont really know what to say other than im sorry for the loss of your dd and i think you could do with some councelling to discuss your feelings.

elliott Sat 03-Jun-06 22:08:55

I don't know, except I wanted to respond because the way you feel was exactly the way I used to feel about any baby, when I was going through the experience of infertility. I now have two boys and so those feelings have more or less disappeared, so its hard for me to advise from experience about how long it will take to 'get over'.
How old is your youngest? Are you feeling a kind of bereavement for the daughter you won't have (or had, but lost)? All I can suggest is that you allow yourself to feel these emotions, and hope that by feeling it and processing it, the pain will diminish and you will be less likely to become bitter and less danger that you will start to take your feelings out on your sons or potentially your sister and her baby.

Chandra Sat 03-Jun-06 22:17:19

When I was 26 old I was told I had one chance in a million for me to get pregnant. I have a boy now that I consider a miracle, and doubt very much that I could ever get the big family I long for. I think you are very very lucky.

So chin up girl, you have been blessed with 4 wonderful boys!

Dior Sat 03-Jun-06 22:36:36

Message withdrawn

notanotter Sat 03-Jun-06 22:39:38

I can relate - say no more but {{{{{hugs}}}}

notanotter Sat 03-Jun-06 23:05:12

you can CAT me if you want an ear!!

pollybee Tue 06-Jun-06 13:53:23

Thanks for your replies.

Will consider counselling.

Northerner Tue 06-Jun-06 13:56:28

If your sister has a daughter, you will have a lovely neice to bond with, go shoping with etc

4 boys sounds wonderful to me. Focus on what you do have, not what you don't have.

pollybee Tue 06-Jun-06 14:02:19

I know how I should feel. I know I should feel satisfied. I know I am very lucky. I have lovely boys.

Feeling like this makes me feel totally crap, a big bad bad person.

fenomen Tue 06-Jun-06 14:10:10

pollybee, I can relate too. No advice though I'm afraid. My sister has no children (never tried AFAIK and probably won't now) and I'm glad because if she'd had girls I don't know how I would have coped. So, no advice really just sympathy. It makes me feel really c**p too.

cori Tue 06-Jun-06 14:22:56

I think i know how you feel. I have just had my second son, whom I adore. I also lost a baby last year so I am totally grateful to have had a chance to have another healthy child. But I am having to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have the daughter I have always dreamt of. I also dont like looking at girls clothes, and get a bit upset when i see families with one of each.
I am quite 'girly girl' myself, i suppose that is part of it. Also there are whole chunks of my sons lives i wont be able to be a part of in the the same way as there father.
I think really it is something we jsut have to learn to live with really.

LeahE Tue 06-Jun-06 14:58:42

I can't directly relate -- only have one DS so far and while I always thought that I'd definitely want a daughter I'm feeling quite keen on the idea of a little gang of DSs following me around now and am surprised to find that I don't think I'd miss having a daughter at all (assuming we don't -- although obviously I'd be happy if we did, too). We had a m/c before DS but never knew the gender (although DH was convinced it was a girl) -- I can see, thinking about it, that if I knew that baby had been a girl and then we went on to have only boys I would have a nagging feeling that something was missing.

It does sound to me as though you are caught up in a double bereavement -- both for the daughter you lost ages ago and for the hypothetical daughter you always imagined you'd have. All the feelings you are describing are classic emotions in a bereavement and knowing how you "should" feel isn't going to change how you do feel. If you were grieving because, say, your sister had died no one would say "chin up, you've got two brothers -- focus on what you do have, not what you don't have". You've suffered a loss and you feel about it the way you feel about it -- and that's perfectly legitimate. It doesn't mean you love your sons one tiny iota less.

I think your first step needs to be recognising that feeling this way does NOT make you a big bad person. Your feelings are serving the useful function of giving you an alert that there are issues and expectations that you need to work through for your own good. If it were something you could just "snap out of" without going through that then your feelings wouldn't be that intense in the first place. I do think some kind of counselling might help you to kick-start that process, though.

jenkel Tue 06-Jun-06 15:01:26

Just wanted to agree with what Elliot said, at my lowest point while going through IVF I really couldnt look at babies, I couldnt go anywhere where there were likely to be lots of babies, it used to make me so upset.

I think you have to find something positive, you have 4 wonderful boys which you obviously love a lot, they are healthy which is the most important thing. As tough as it may sound you just have to get used to the idea of not having a daughter.

Your not a bad person, its a feeling that you have and that alone does not make you bad.

Lizzylou Tue 06-Jun-06 15:05:20

I can totally understand your feelings, I always thought that I would have a daughter and 13 weeks ago gave birth to another boy (now have 2!)...having another child is not an option (medically and financially) so I am "adoptng" friend's little girls and buying girly stuff for them! I am gutted that my girl's name won't be used and that I won't have "mother/daughter" moments.....
I love my boys and now my idea of what my dream family has not come about am just concentrating on my two DS's and how wonderful and rewarding they are...counting my blessings.

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads Tue 06-Jun-06 15:17:30

If you think there's something missing then you will feel like this. I can't look at families of 3 boys sitting at say a restaurant table around the age of mine without feeling like someone has booted me in the stomach as ds1 is severely autistic and we'll never do the normal things they do. I know that feeling that way is normal and the feelings are fleeting. I also understand that I am very lucky to have 3 beautiful boys and autism adds an interesting dimension to our lives, and has introduced me to something I would have known nothing about.

if you feel eaten up by it to the point of it potentially affecting your relationship with your sister and niece (if she has a girl) then I really think you need counselling. Although the feeling may be normal if it affects other aspects of your life then you need to seek help about it, as it is something you have to accept (as you can't do anything about it).

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