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Ashamed to be here

(125 Posts)
GracieLoo Sat 29-Jun-13 21:19:29

I wanted my previous thread to be deleted but for some reason it wasn't, however i'm feeling like I need to just get all this out somewhere. It's taken a lot of guts to post again, all my confidence has gone today for some reason.

I don't even know what to say now, but I am frustrated that I am not getting anywhere. I am regarding therapy and appts, but not mentally. The past few years have been up and down, up and down. The downs are getting worse and more often, the ups are happening less. Always been told therapy is what I need, but my unhelpful cpn said I won't get it while i'm tearful. I have an appt for it in a couple of weeks though.

Social services are now involved, anxiety is through the roof. I don't trust anyone anymore, feel I have no one I can be totally honest with, and I know i'm sinking again. The down periods are taking over, with no explanations. I have been looking for jobs, seeing friends, doing a lot with dd, but that's when I realise no matter what I do, this bpd is always going to be lingering, taking over, until I can take it no more.

I was really struggling a couple of months ago, but at least I was more open then, and able to ask for help. I feel I can't now, I clam up, I feel vulnerable and paranoid. Even in my garden earlier I feel like people are watching me.

I don't want to sound like i'm repeating myself, but I feel like i'm waiting for the right time to end it, it's what keeps me going if that makes sense.

yamsareyammy Sun 14-Jul-13 22:40:07

I understand how you cant sleep if kids cough. My kids, some of them were asthmatic, and them coughing disturbs the parent.
Do you know why she is coughing. Some coughs are just coughs.

You are probably temporarily numb after what has happened. Give yourself some time .

cjel Sun 14-Jul-13 22:42:25

That nothing you feel is depression. The very word 'depress' it 'presses' your feelings so you can't find them.Is there a reason for dd s cough worrying you or is it a 'normal' cough?

I am so sad that you still are so low, can you try and get some sleep now as dd will be up soonsmile

GracieLoo Sun 14-Jul-13 22:52:52

It's a normal cough. I can just hear so many noises, I'm in bed but it's too loud. Want everyone to go away. I can't cope and I don't know what to do tomorrow. Crisis team want to see me with cpn so that means they'll discharge me, everyone will get told what I did, then I'll have my assessment but will be emotionless and numb and won't know what to say!

She's still coughing, it's getting to me now.

yamsareyammy Mon 15-Jul-13 07:18:09

Hope her cough is better today.
Thinking of you todayx

ShaggingZumbaStylee Mon 15-Jul-13 07:27:53

Hiya. What are your plans for today?

If you are struggling to sleep due to other noise can you put a familiar dvd on to watch and fall asleep to?

I suffered a terrible set back of my depression 2/3 months ago and I believed I would never get out of it and that is how life would be forever from then. I understand your condition is different but remember that not being able to see it WILL and CAN get better is a big part of what it does to you.

Do you do any exercise at all? Even walking?


cjel Mon 15-Jul-13 16:12:08

Hello Gracie, Sorry I'm not around much at the moment, LIfe bit hectic.
Hope you gor some sleep last night. Is dd better?
What time is appointment. Have you been yet?

GracieLoo Mon 15-Jul-13 18:24:15

The assessment was fine, going to be starting soon, finally! She reassured me that it's ok if I'm still struggling, they just don't take on people who are in hospital. Can be in therapy for up to two years, weekly, so pretty intense!

Too tired now to think and reply properly, sorry.

yamsareyammy Mon 15-Jul-13 18:30:23

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
Well done you!

cjel Mon 15-Jul-13 22:14:29

I am so pleased for you,I can't tell you how much I'd hoped to hear I had several years of counselling, trust me it isn't as bad as it sound, there should be good progress within a much shorter time, it can just take that log to make sure there will be no slipping back.
Am so thrilled you have made my dayflowersflowers
How do you feel about it?

GracieLoo Mon 15-Jul-13 22:40:04

I'm scared it won't help, and then I'd definitely have to end it.

GracieLoo Tue 16-Jul-13 07:15:36

I think I've crashed, I didn't sleep well again, feel so shaky and paranoid, hearts racing and I'm dreading dd getting up and I have to try to function. Why has this happened again? I can move, think, don't want to see anyone.

yamsareyammy Tue 16-Jul-13 07:44:11

Dont worry. I was expecting this to happen. You have been through an awful lot recently. Take your time.
Also, you may well be scared of what is to come.

But you have been given 2 years of counselling. So even if you feel it is going nowhere in the first sessions, you have still got many many more.

So long as your counsellor is half decent, which for some reason I think he or she will be, it will be fine for you.

cjel Tue 16-Jul-13 08:47:23

Gracie, just because you have an appointment doesn't mean you are well yet. Its encouraging that you felt good at all yesterday, try and remember that.As you go further down the healing path you will still have crash days but you will also have glimpses of how your healthy future can be. don't try and fight how you feel today try and go with the flow. Now isn't a good moment but there will be a good one along soon!!

cjel Tue 16-Jul-13 14:20:45

hows the day going gracie?

GracieLoo Tue 16-Jul-13 14:41:08

Tough. Everyone I see is worried and it's making me more panicky.

yamsareyammy Tue 16-Jul-13 15:21:50

Havr you told them about the counselling?

cjel Tue 16-Jul-13 22:03:40

Its horrid when you see that worried look isn't it. One thing i liked about my counsellor was that she normalised my feelings, she wasn't shocked by what i said and didn't make me feel beyond help. I actually remember one time asking if she thought i would be better and she said she had seen nothing in me to suggest i wouldn't. I was so excited i nearly floated home. Is it possible you can recognise it may be sadness for you being ill rather than a look that means you are beyond help?

cjel Fri 19-Jul-13 15:23:42

hello Gracie, have you any idea when counselling may start?

GracieLoo Tue 23-Jul-13 22:27:41

Just thought i would pop back and say I'm not ignoring the last posts, just had a lot going on, also got new support in rl, someone who has been through this and understands. I feel a burden though, and very paranoid, that's why I stopped posting here so much.

I always have a feeling i'm wasting people's time, and I feel like a fraud. I don't know what's going to happen, if I'll ever change, or if things will get too much one day. If they do, I really hope people will understand.

I still haven't got a date for therapy, and been left with no support while my cpn is away. But I've given up caring now, I don't want to see her when she gets back, not missing her appts at all. Nervous about the therapy but hope it's soon.

I know no one cares, but felt rude not replying. Thanks though.

Caster8 Wed 24-Jul-13 10:01:48

We care Gracie.
Very glad you have new rl support. Always felt that you needed that.
I hope therapy is soon too. x

cjel Wed 24-Jul-13 10:11:24

Glad you have help, try not to feel a burden, people wouldn't help if they didnt want to. I found the though of my first few counselling sessions really scary, but soon realised it was safe and wasn't going to hurt me. I suspect that as you have fought so hard for help that you will succeed in getting better< it'll be when rather than did you find rl helper?

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 09:59:22

in a strange way it may be a good thing that cpn is away,she gave you so much stress when you thought you had to see her at least it will give you a break from Hoping today is good for youflowers

cjel Thu 25-Jul-13 21:51:13

still thinking about you graciexx

cjel Sun 28-Jul-13 23:43:36

Hello Gracie, Hope you'e had a good weekend, still with rl support.x

jitterbug85 Mon 29-Jul-13 11:23:07

how are you doing gracie? still thinking about you

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