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Carers of family members with BPD\MH issues - are you out there?

(213 Posts)
floramckitchen Fri 14-Jun-13 20:43:40

Hi - I have an 18 yo dd who is a recently diagnosed BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) sufferer. I am coping as best I can and working full time but could do with some support from some fellow carers.

I have had some brilliant advice on the Borderline Personality Disorder thread (thankyou SirBoob and Heffa) but feel we could all support each other in times of crisis.

1944girl Fri 12-Sep-14 22:33:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boofie68 Fri 12-Sep-14 10:04:37

Hi 1944. You must be exhausted lfrom all the stress. Some of your story sounds very familiar. My DD was diagnosed for a while with ADD and had multiple tests for Autism as the school insisted she exhibited traits although the tests didn't find anything. Sadly she also smoked cannabis and took drugs last summer and she wasn't paying for it with cash. She has also taken overdoses and self harms regularly. At the moment as she is still a child we still have control over her treatment and she has just gone to stay in a residential unit so we are having some respite. I dread what will happen when she is an adult and has control over her treatment. Does your granddaughter want to get any treatment for her paranoia? Will she consider therapy. My DD won't go out in the area where we live as she is paranoid but will go out further afield where nobody knows her. I'm sorry that I can't give you any helpful advice. My experience has been that we have had to fight for any support. Take care of yourself. Boofie

1944girl Thu 11-Sep-14 00:26:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1944girl Thu 11-Sep-14 00:22:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boofie68 Wed 10-Sep-14 22:22:47

Hi Kingmga
My heart goes out to you. I, too, have been in your position and know how heartbreaking it is and how desperately you want to fix everything so that she can be happy. My dd is nearly 16 and has been in and out of hospital and I guess I'm just starting to realise that I can't fix it and make everything alright. All I can do is be there for her when she wants me to be. That is not to say that I don't still feel desperate sometimes and have a little weep. Is she able to work or be in education?
Hope you are ok. Boofie

ashtrayheart Wed 10-Sep-14 20:56:56

Hi kingmga, I've not been in this thread for a while. Sorry to hear about your dd. My eldest is nearly 18 and has emerging bpd - she has been in and out of hospitals and units since she was 15 and is now in a long term secure hospital.
It's easier for me because although it's horrible hearing my dd upset, I know she is as safe as she can be. Does your dd live with you? Does she have a cpn or social worker?

Kingmga Wed 10-Sep-14 20:50:47

I've just joined mums net today so haven't read all of the thread. My daughter is 19 on Saturday and was diagnosed with bpd about a year ago. One suicide attempt ending up in a and e lots of self harm. She's had cbt and dbt and is on medication. I just want advice as to what to do when she's having a complete meltdown. Sobbing hysterically saying she wants to die I just don't know how to cope with it. I work full time but am so scared she will attempt suicide. Nothing so far seems to have helped. I feel useless and helpless and don't know where to turn

Boofie68 Fri 20-Jun-14 20:13:05

Hi All. Haven spoken for some time. I did go away, everyone coped and it was a nice break. Nothing has changed with my dd. she is still in a psychiatric ward, getting on for 7 months now. The professionals are going in front of another committee next Wednesday to see if they can get funding for her to go to a residential centre. Please keep everything crossed.

Meanwhile my youngest daughter, who has been relatively robust and happy until recently, has now started to talk about suicide and has begun self harming. I have been able to cope with my eldest but I'm now struggling. I can't believe it is happening all over again.

Anyway hope you are all enjoying the good weather and I think I need a glass of wine to cheer me up.

Bw Boofie xx

jaabaar Wed 16-Apr-14 01:10:16

Nothing to contribute except stating the desperation.

BIL1 in a home

BIL2 at MIL house suffering from psychosid induced by drugs. He is highly aggressive and attacked us when we checked up on him, also verbally abuse and tried to attack neighbours.
Police and mental health coordinator called several times. Doctor/police coming with court order to take him hospital.

MIL in hospital since a month with 7 operations following fourth suicide attempt.

Tomorrow hospital meeting regarding MIL. Then see Iif BIL has been sectioned and go see him.

Then sunday pick up other BIL for easter lunch.

In between having to listen to death threats every other day from BIL with psychosis.

It is hard. It is mostly hopeless. Nobody listens to family imput. They get assesed as fine. Then u find MIL in a pool of blood.

We keep trying to help as a family what else can we do.

And we have children.

This is life.

Sijeunessesavait Mon 14-Apr-14 13:40:39

Hi everyone

I keep an eye on this thread and was really pleased to read your news, Flora. Meditation and mindfulness are fantastic tools for everyone, and maybe your DD can give you some techniques too which will help you to support her. I have found that the calmer I am, the easier it is for my DD to recover from the tidal waves of emotion which sometimes overcome her, even now. I've just read this memoir which really helped me to understand what it must feel like to be so unable to control the intensity of emotions.

Boofie - I really hope you have managed to go away as you planned. It will do you good, and won't do your DD any harm. You and your family must put yourselves first while you have the opportunity to do so - it will fortify you for the time when your DD comes home. I remember crying all the way on the plane when we went away with our son but without DD, but there is no doubt that it did us all good to have a break, and it was important for our son (15) to see that we could be our 'normal' selves. More recently, it has been really good for DD (nearly 19) to know that we trust her enough to go away for a couple of nights, leaving her alone, and her confidence has been noticeably greater as a result.

Thinking of you all, and in awe of what you are doing for A, Gow. Remember to look after yourself, too!


Boofie68 Sun 13-Apr-14 13:44:44

Hi Flo. It is so nice when someone posts good news. It makes me feel hopeful that there is hope for my dd and eventually she too might start to improve. Have a happy Easter. Boogie

floramckitchen Fri 11-Apr-14 16:25:06

Hi all

Have just discovered that my dd is now teaching herself about Buddhism and has started meditating. She has bought some books etc etc. She told me she has to work on herself and not rely on others to fix her problems and has apparently recommended it at her therapy group with mixed reactions! I am so proud of her - she is working so hard to get well. So different from this time last year when she was on a MH ward.

She still has sleep problems and nightmares but they are happening less often now. I've got everything crossed that she doesn't slip back again.

Happy easter

Boofie - I hope you get to go away with your youngest dd. It sounds like a good idea to get some space and devote some time to her even if its just a day or two.

Boofie68 Tue 08-Apr-14 22:02:41

Hi Flo. It is sounding very hopeful for your dd. Interesting that she has recognised her symptoms in others. My dd moans a lot about other girls on her ward and seems completely oblivious that she is acting in a very similar fashion.Maybe being a bit more mature has helped. I spoke to an academic who did some research with sufferers of bpd a few years ago and she said that those who had an early onset of symptoms were much more likely to grow out of their problems as they matured whereas those who only started to manifest bpd symptoms in their 20's were more likely to have to manage their symptoms lifelong.

Gow, sorry that you are having a difficult time with your d. Maybe it is a reaction if her mum is struggling after the bereavement and things will improve when the competitive grieving comes to an end. I hope things improve soon.

I'm finding the school holidays quite tricky . My dd gets very bored in the ward as they seem to have no structure during the holidays and wants me to visit for long periods of time, then my other daughter gets resentful as she doesn't like me visiting, plus I'm trying to fit in working as well.

We have taken the decision to go away with my youngest daughter just for a couple of days next week for a short break, leaving my dd in the ward. We haven't told her yet but I'm sure she will not take the news well and I do feel guilty but she will have grandparents to visit her and it seems unfair on my youngest daughter that we can never go away because of the issues with dd.

Hope you all have a drama free Easter.


floramckitchen Fri 04-Apr-14 20:12:56

Hello Gow

My dd was very nervous about doing the group therapy and was initially quite sceptical about it all. It was all that was on offer and she felt she had no choice but to give it a go but like your dd she wanted a quick fix... I think the real turning point was meeting the other girl and she said it was like a mirror being held in front of her and she could now clearly see how her behaviour had effected relationships with friends, boyfriends and family in the past. She said she was embarrassed about it and wishes she could apologise to people .

She says she wants to get well now and can be a part of the therapy group for two years if she needs to be.

I am just crossing my fingers that this new self awareness continues and she can build on all the hard work she has put in. She still has quiet days and days when she doesn't get out of bed but on the whole I can see a lot of improvement and she seems calm now - her eyes are clear and untroubled (hard to explain that one!). I used to be able to see the racing thoughts and the mental struggles in her eyes all the time. Now its not there so much.

But I will keep monitoring as I know that relapses can easily occur out of the blue!

Good luck

gow Thu 03-Apr-14 10:57:39

Oh Flora that is very interesting. I know A often complains about other peoples difficult behaviour but can't see it in herself. I am suggesting all sorts of therapy including group therapy but she doesnt want to know as she realises it's a long term commitment and she wants a quick fix. Was your DD positive about starting the therapy or did you have to persuade her? Does it have an end date or does it go on until she decides she doesnt need it anymore?

floramckitchen Wed 02-Apr-14 19:19:23

Hi all
Just thought I would share something interesting.

My bpd dd has been attending a therapy group once a week since last October and is one of about 7 girls some with anorexia and some with bpd. The interesting thing is that she has realised that she doesn't like one of the other bpd girls because of her attitude and behaviour etc etc . I think the other girls personality and behaviour is so similar to my dd's that my dd has finally realised what its like for anyone trying to have a relationship with her. Its almost like my dd is now seeing herself as others see her because of her interaction with the girl at group therapy.

Its amazing how much she seems to have changed. Calmer, easier to get on with, sensible and SMILING !!!!.

Is group therapy the answer? or is my dd particularly self aware?

I will be monitoring closely

gow Tue 01-Apr-14 13:13:49

How is everyone doing? We seem to have gone from bad to worse in the last 3 weeks! It's so frustrating, so difficult to get the right sort of help for our young people. A is having daily visits/phone calls from MHT but they dont seem to be able to help her at all. To be fair I don't think she knows what will help but is not prepared to try anything except the endless rounds of getting drunk, "recreational" drug use and self harm. I was hoping the upturn in the weather might have a little positive effect but that hasn't happened.... yet. She is currenly staying with me as too vunerable to stay in the flat and has had a big falling out with Mum so is not even visiting her, grandad died recently and both she and Mum are finding it hard and harsh words have been said. I recognise that things like a bereavement do not necessarily bring out the best in people but it has actually brought out the worst. A lot of what seems like competitive grieving going on if that makes sense? Ho hum, I can still see a tiny flicker of light at the end of that bloody long tunnel and hope you all see it too!

Boofie68 Sun 23-Mar-14 21:57:55

Hi All. Just wondered how you were all getting on? My d has now been diagnosed with Emerging Emotional Dysregulation Disorder of the Borderline type. Not sure if that will help in getting treatment. How are your girls? Boofie

ashtrayheart Thu 20-Feb-14 22:12:48

Just heard she's not moving til tomorrow now.
I will have a look at that boofie - I can always do it from work!

Boofie68 Thu 20-Feb-14 22:07:49

Ashtrayheart - Bloody hell, this system is utterly ridiculous. I can't believe that they can treat adolescents and their families this way. My heart goes out to you, the stress of this situation must be intolerable.

I know that you have enough on your plate but I recently submitted my views on CAMHS to parliament as they are holding an enquiry My evidence will probably disappear into a black hole never to be seen again but maybe if enough of us do it maybe things may improve. Boofie

ashtrayheart Thu 20-Feb-14 21:46:29

Dd had a mental health assessment but wasn't sectioned so couldn't go to the secure hospital they had identified as you have to be sectioned to be admittedconfused
So last I heard she was packed and the ambulance staff were at her placement waiting to be transferred to a hospital somewhere! hmm
The hospital that I really think she should go to is full. So fuck knows where she will end up sad

Boofie68 Thu 20-Feb-14 09:02:24

Oh Ashtrayheart yet more worries. Sorry to hear your news. It is a shame that the placement didn't work out for your d. Maybe she can try again in the future.

Flo glad your d was ok.

floramckitchen Tue 18-Feb-14 21:26:13

dd got home on sunday night about 10:30 in the end.

She was quite cheerful but had spent most of the day on trains!

She did well not to have a meltdown with all the train delays - I was wondering if the fact that she was on her own and had nobody to have a meltdown in front of it might have made her man up a bit more and take some responsibility.

onwards and upwards

ashtrayheart Tue 18-Feb-14 20:11:49

And Flora is dd ok?

ashtrayheart Tue 18-Feb-14 20:11:06

Hey boofie I understand your mixed feelings and have experienced the lack of communication also!
Well, dd's placement has given notice on her sad so she will be off to a long term hospital as soon as it's been arranged. Lots of reasons but the last straw was last night when she scared 2 girls so badly one has now run away sad
Also, just got the news yesterday that she has a chromosome disorder 'triple x syndrome' which may not cause any issues in lots of females but some get landed with a full set of symptoms! Bit of a shock to us both.

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