Why dont I feel better?

[mistressmiggins]

Its been nearly 7 mths since H left but I dont feel any better or any nearer getting over it.
Everyone thinks Im doing OK and get lots of positive comments & pats on the back, but at night when kids are in bed, I just feel so miserable
went to mediation on Friday and I couldnt look at him for the first 10 mins. I burst into tears several times and felt so alone - 2 mediation ladies and ex just sat there while I blubbed. Then as we left I burst into tears & ended up walking down the road crying. I looked back & saw him and wanted to run to him & have a big hug...but I carried on walking.
hes got the children this weekend at his new house byu the sea (SHE has gone away for the weekend) He has emailed me saying what a nice time they had yesterday catching crabs, and that the children settled down really well.
Im pleased for both things but why cant he see that it hurts like hell to hear them all enjoying themseleves when Im missing?
Why was I not worth him trying to save the marriage? It doesnt matter what anyone says - thats how I feel....I wasnt worth it even with the thought of losing the kids, he wouldnt stay.
and thanks to mediation, we've put a plan in place so that by end of August, he'll be catching crabs with HER standing there watching our kids enjoy themselves.
my mum says "how many more times does he have to kick you b4 you stop loving him" and I just dont know....I wish I could stop so I could begin to love myself again

sounds pathetic I know

[BudaBabe]

It's not pathetic. It's totally understandable. If he had died no-one would expect you to just stop loving him. Just becaue he "killed" the relationship doesn't mean you will automatically stop loving him either. And of course you miss what you had as a family. And it will hurt like hell that his new partner will be playing happy families with YOUR family.

Time will help - honestly. You will have bad days and good days and soon the good will out number the bad. It hasn't even been a year so it is all still very raw. I suspect after the year is up you will start to accept it a bit more and from accepting it will come healing and feeling better.

In the meantime look after yourself. Find something new for you to do.

It will get better.

[mistressmiggins]

I think part of it is that he wants to be friendly and cant understand why I find it so hard.

he acts like either nothing has changed, or hes so over me that we're just good friends now who happen to have kids.

either way I find it too hurtful

then I stupidly think "well hes never going to come back cos you're so unfriendly to him"...when in reality hes never coming back full stop.

He lives so far away that he cant help with babysitting so its difficult for me to go out. Ive already had to cancel my gym membership and find it hard to motivate myself to do a fitness video in front of the TV.

oh well sun is shining....will go & dig the garden in readiness for estate agents coming round to value it