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Regretting abortion(155 Posts)
I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago and I feel awful about it. I feel so much regret I don't know how I can get past it.
Night time and early morning is the worst, I just lie in bed and can't stop crying. I keep thinking about my baby and wishing I was still pregnant. I feel sick thinking about what I've done and I have that kind of hollow sick feeling in my chest like I've made a terrible mistake. I can't believe I actually did it. I spent weeks on the decision and for the first while I could hardly even contemplate abortion as a serious option. I felt so panicky and upset even thinking about it. Then when I decided to do it I think I just made myself zone out about it and it didn't even feel real so the reality of what I did didn't hit me until days later.
I feel like I ignored my emotions and gut feeling to just go with the decision that was "right" based on logical reasons, and I know they were good reasons, but emotionally it feels so hard. I know it wouldn't have been emotionally easy at all either if I had kept my baby because we would have been struggling and it would have really hurt to see my child growing up like that, so maybe how I'm feeling now is still the better option, but I keep thinking what if...
I feel guilty and sick and exhausted and ashamed of myself, and I feel so jealous of people I see with babies. I feel like I desperately want to go back and change my decision but its pointless even thinking that.
I know it's all my own fault but it just hurts a lot.
Not a good night tonight. Thought I was done crying but seems I'm not
I can't see a way forward at all, I just feel broken and like I'm screwing my whole life up
Someone who didn't know the situation gave me their 10 week old baby to look after the other day, I was holding him and just thinking how innocent he looked
I hate to use a film quote but I watched it the other day and its stuck in my head. What if this is as good as it gets?
Hugs xxx I had a cry tonight too after a few days of not crying. I don't feel as bad as I did in those first awful weeks because its not as constant anymore but I still get waves of it when I still feel absolutely heartbroken. Still sleeping terribly hence posting here at 4:30 am. Hope you're asleep.
I've been looking after toddlers for a while this week which has been okay but I think holding a new baby would definitely feel like a punch in the gut at the moment Try to tell yourself you will have another baby when your time is right. I don't know your situation but I'm sure you haven't screwed your whole life up. You are still young and have so much ahead of you and everything can work out how you want it to. That's what I'm trying to tell myself.
Here's another quote which is a bit cheesy but I kind of find it comforting, definitely a nicer thought than your one!
"Everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, it's not the end"
Sorry you're feeling so shit. You know, it worries me that all of us are fully grown-up people in our twenties and yet so affected by what other people say, think, and do (parents, bfs)... I wonder what went wrong to make that happen; really, it shouldn't matter: we should look after ourselves first. I think we all need to make some kind of personal resolution to do that - to do what's right for US in the future even if someone else doesn't like it. God knows we've been through the mill.
Trivial as it may be, can I suggest a couple of things?
Exercise: do you do much? I'm a fanatic and I know not everybody is, but is does wonders for my mood. I especially like running and it helps to give me a boost and a rush of natural endorphins.
Rhodiola: I had to come off St John's Wort as we're ttc again and I was told it was dangerous. My bf went to Holland & Barrett and asked for something similar that was pg-safe and got me rhodiola root. I've been taking three a day (the highest dose, as one a day did f all) and it's really helped.
Sending you both love and hugs xx
I'm loitering under a NC briefly (emuz)
I'm banned from exercise currently but I usually do HIIT, spin, weights and circuits. Oh and horse ride. Weights are my therapy
Dear Emuz and Namechanger, I know these posts are nearly 2 years old, but I have been touched by the pain you both experience. I would like to reassure you that you can definitely receive healing and peace of heart. I would like to invite you to consider attending a Rachel's Vineyard weekend. You can find information about these weekends, held at various locations around the country, at www.rachelsvineyard.org.uk. There you will find a team of non-judgemental people, at least one of whom is a trained counselor, who will help you work through your painful emotions in order to restore peace of mind. I guarantee you that it works. Women who attend these retreats, often reluctantly and sometimes many, many years after their abortion, are amazed at how restored they feel afterwards. Please do look at the website or post again if you have any questions.
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